DP just been very agressive with DS

[laurel123]

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

If anybody thinks that your DP's reaction was justified, they should ask themselves what will happen in a few years' time, when DS is quite possibly bigger then you and/or your DP.

What was he thinking? Was his own father like this with him when he was 11? I would be seriously concerned if he thinks this is okay.

Is he at work now? I also think you need to ask him not to be there when DS gets out of school, you need to speak to them both separately, face to face, before they see each other directly again.

Also, if DS does tell someone at school you need to be ready to back him up and show them that you are aware DP crossed a big line, and that it will be dealt with, seriously, otherwise you could be facing child protection issues yourself.

take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death"

Some respondents don't seem to see how the detail in that makes it sound premeditated and realistic. It's a whole different thing from "I'll kill you for that." Obviously you shouldn't ever say that either - but the second is a common form of speech, while the exact manner and place of this proposed murder makes it far more frightening.

Give it a rest, imnot.

And if you're feeling up to it, maybe start to question why you are so anxious to demonstrate that this behaviour is acceptable, when it's not. Does it remind you of anything in your own life?

wtf is hairdryer treatment?

it is the words that ds will remember. of course if it was only words then why would the dp get so angry about 'twat'. it's just words innit? or is it only words if an adult says it but if it's a child who can be bullied then it's punishable?

imnot, what's hairdryer treatment?

I am disgusted by some of the initial posters on this thread. Of course it is not OK. Are you sure this was really the first time that he has ever shown any aggression towards DS? I know from my own experience with my younger DS and (hopefully soon ex-)DH that the aggression builds up steadily before exploding into violence and it is almost certainly not likely to be a one-off now that the line has been crossed (unless you can sort it out - Good luck with that, I never managed to find a way). It is not your DS who needs the sharp shock

I have acknowledged that the physical side wrong FirstLast and this has to be addressed by dad and son tonight. However I still believe there would be no absoloutly zero chance that he meant he really would take him down the garden and beat him to death ??? Come on how many times have we said ridiculous things and not meant it. I am not in any way trivialising what happened and it is awful as mums are protective over their babies but think this needs to be handled calmly and spoken about and all will be fine !!

That's not the point, imnot. The point is that a CHILD would feel genuinely threatened.

If Mr Laurel threatened me like that, I'd fight verbally.
If he physically assaulted me like that, I'd kick him in the balls.
The man's own 11-year-old child cannot safely do either.

Do you not see how much worse that is?

I think this situation needs careful handling, though I would guess that there are other instances of similar behaviour from both your DS and DH??

I agree with the PP who suggested that you sit down calmly tonight, and that your DS apologises to you for his language - he really is old enough to get himself ready for school without you having to hurry him up. Your husband also needs to apologise to your son for his bullying and violence and ensure that your son knows that this level of behaviour is completely unacceptable from anyone.

How does your DH treat you in general - is he respectful towards you, does he treat you with kindness and consideration? Where is your DS learning his behaviour from because it's not coming from a vacuum - someone is teaching him that this is okay behaviour.

OP didn't even hear the child say "twat". She has her partner's word that DS muttered it under his breath.

hairdryer= shouting quite a bit it blows your hair !!!
Yes child would feel threatened but it is his Dad and he was totally out of order using such dreadful language towards him Mum>
And Hot I thought this was a place for views and never thought I need to be told to give it as rest ?? This reflects nothing from my life I am merely pointing out that the OP maybe need not feel so bad and it is up to them to sort it out and it will be OK thats all just trying to offer some sympathy and calm her anxiety and I apologise if that is not OK by you Hot

Poor lad must have been absolutely terrified of his father turning on him so suddenly and out of the blue. It could all too easily happen again.

I sincerely hope your son has the prescence of mind to tell someone at school.

erm, well that isn't normal either! shouting in someone's face is aggressive. it doesn't matter that it is your child. you dont shout or scream in anybody's face.

why should a child feel threatened by a parent? that is teh last person they should feel threatened by!! you have some seriously messed up ideas of what a parent has a right to do just because they are a parent

Sorry OP but what your DP did was absolutely unacceptable. He's 11 and somewhere along the line has been able to get away with speaking to you like that as you've said it's not the first time. But for his father to do what he did is absolutely appauling.

Your man must have bloody good hearing if he heard his son mutter under his breath. You did not hear your son call you a twat; how is it that your man apparantly did?.

I thought I was going mad when I started reading this thread as poster after poster seemed to say that your son's behaviour and language somehow justified your DP's response

I don't think the fact that this was 'out of character' for DP or that it was the first time he had behaved like this makes the situation any better at all. Surely it just makes it all the more terrifying for DS who must have no idea where to turn next. I sincerely hope he does go to the Pastoral person

I hope your DS tells a responsible adult at school.

IAM -it just a figure of speech don't really yell in their face ?? In fact we never really tell the kids off as they are brill. Maybe a one off if something out of order and I believe not messed up ideas we are a fab family as I think OP is but sometimes unless you are angelic with a shiny halo, we all make mistakes as parents

Bunfight aside, Laurel what are you planning to do now?

It's more than the DS calling her a twat. The OP wrote that her DS was calling her a twat and being aggressive towards her. What's not clear is whether that was physically agressive or verbally. If that's a regular occurance (which it may be, because she said he was pushing boundaries lately) then the OP's way of dealing with it isn't working.

It sounds to me like her DH has kept quiet up until now, but this morning was the last straw.

A mistake would be telling son off for saying "twat" when he really said "silly old bat" (same telling off, wrong cause.)

A criminal assault would be grabbing someone by the neck, yelling in their face and making a detailed murder threat. Three counts of assault.

I can never understand people comparing how we behave towards our children with how we would behave to another adult or a 'stranger on the street'. Whilst I can see that it is always wrong to make death threats (!) grab someone by the neck or push someone around the room aggressively, whoever they are, we are often justified in treating our children differently!

We would not remove another adult's mobile phone or Playstation, tell them that they can't go to their friend's house or stop their allowance either! We are not trying to bring them up and shape their behaviour. My dc use this one against me and try to tell me how I should behave, saying well, you say that to me...I have to explain I am their parent and it is my job to bring them up.

I think the outcome here all depends on your DP's attitude later on and how he handles the apology. I always apologise if I lose my temper, but explain that the behaviour was no less wrong just because I handled the situation badly.

I am just at some of the responses on here. Mainly for the reasons other posters have given, such as the fact that the OP's son didn't call her a 'twat' directly but instead muttered it under his breath (did he at all?) and also because "I'll take you down the bottom of the garden and beat you to death" is just so much more sinister than a "I'll kill you" said in the heat of the moment.

If he was my partner he'd be out on his ear for that. A child needs a parent to protect them from physical harm. I am a stickler for good, respectful behaviour but I've never found it necessary to resort to physical violence and threats to kill. I'd be very, very surprised if this was an isolated incident, though I'd expect other, lesser incidents to have been effectively minimised, excused and forgotten about by now.

Laurel, I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of this. I can imagine you feel quite shocked by this. I hope you and your DS manage to get through this.

Does grounding or the removal of phones/consoles really seem in any way comparable to grabbing someone by the neck and screaming into their face that you'll 'beat them to death'?

The fact that it's someone's child doesn't mitigate this. It makes it worse.