DP just been very agressive with DS

[laurel123]

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

dinah there is a long way between seeing your parents in a bad mood and being threatened by your parent. i am a moody cow but i have never ever threatened to hurt my children. normal bad moods dont end in violence or threats of it. i think you have a skewed perception of what is normal behaviour within families.

an no-one should threaten anyone, partner or child.

Where has anyone said that it was okay for the DS to speak to his mum like that? Of course it's not okay and punishment is definitely called for. What isn't called for is physical assault and threatening to beat him to death.

And as another poster said, what should happen is that the parents present a united front but the OP's DP has blown that one out of the water

"dominant alpha male" we aren't talking about dog packs here. we are talking about evolved human families that have developed the power of speech to enable us to converse and express our feelings without the use of physical force.

your idea of the dominant male in the house is so outdated and sexist. there doesn't need to be a dominant male in a house. just family members that respect each other.

The right answer has already been discussed on here-it would have been to deal with the verbal abuse immediately and set some sanction, not threaten to beat someone to death and lay hands on an 11 year old boy.

It's not difficult to deal with IMO, it would just take consistency.

The problem here is the ott reaction of the father. I don't think an 11 year old boy muttering "twat" under his breath is going to shake the very foundations of this or any other family.

I think you should both sit down and work out a strategy for discipline. You need to present a united front together. I think your DP lost control and if you have a strategy there is less chance of it happening agin. Your DP may well be feeling pretty awful now. So you both need to take control together.

It might be helpful for all of you to sit down, your DP to say he went over the top but this behaviour from your son won't be tolerated and also is not what you expect from him, as a reasonable person.

I'm finding this thread frightening. Not because of your posts, Laurel, but the sheer weight of insistence that violence towards a child is justified.

I was 'disciplined' with violence and would definitely NOT say "It didn't do me any harm." It stopped when I knocked my dad out with a clean uppercut - which he'd taught me how to do. Makes a cute story but paints a repulsive picture of family life.

An adult grabbed a child be the throat and threatened to "beat him to death"

If my dh had done that I would have called the police.

You actually think this is OK???????

I wonder how your ds feels about you OP as you stood by and let that happen???

I agree with anniemac

sigh!! he is not allowed to be rude to me, don't know how many more times I need to say that.

He's 11 years old!!!

Unless he's got issues we know nothing about, I doubt very much that he views himself, or is in danger of viewing himself, as the "dominant alpha male".

This thread is getting ridiculous. And chilling.

ah well, get on with it then. Leave him

We hear you laurel

sorry to sound like a cracked record but " DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle ."When he finishes his strops !! well if they consist of being aggressive and swearing at his Mother then maybe your DP had just had enough !! Not that he is not allowed to be honest it is not that my kids are not allowed they are just not rude to me beacause I am their Mother likewise I am not rude to them.

He is 11?

Your dp is (I am guessing) a fully grown adult who is a physically much bigger/larger?

Part of being an adult is controlling your temper/reactions - which your 11 years old ds still has to learn, as I am sure you did at that age.

This thread is just

Your DP's behaviour is totally unacceptable. You need to talk to him and get him to see how appalling this is and also how damaging to your son. He must apologise to DS. If this is a recurring pattern with your DP, I would seriously consider leaving him before something much worse happens. If you let this go as your son get bigger in a few years you may well be in the middle of a violent household.

When things have cooled down you both then need to talk to DS about his behaviour and that it is not OK to treat you with such disrespect. You sound like you are letting things go just a little too much and he is pushing the boundries.

I am a single parent of boys 13-11 and if one of mine did that I would deal with it straight away and sod it if they were late for school. They wouldnt be going anywhere without first making an apology to me.

garlic you're not the only one who is finding the justification of the use of violence against a child chilling.

If a grown man did this to a girl who disrespected her mother, would we view it in the same way?

If a man did this to his wife for 'disrespecting' him there would be a chorus of "Leave the bastard" and "you'll never be able to trust him again".

I really am failing to understand why any poster is trying to justify violence?

Becaroo Why would you make such an assumption, I did not just stand and let it happen, I jumped in and took DS away, and calmed the poor sobbing child down. I will deal with aftermath tonight.

Sigh.

If an 11 year old is rude to you (which is not acceptable obv) then you use discipline...less computer/tv/outside time. Take away dvds/games/bike whatever.

You DONT physically attack them and threaten to kill them.

You actually need to be told that???????????

Lets hope - for your dps sake - that he doesnt mention it at school or that he didnt mark his skin/neck!!!!

Ask yourself OP would you be ashamed id his teachers/police knew what happened today?????

laurel, and forgive me if you've done this before upthread and I missed it, can you clarify what you meant by him (ds) being "aggressive" towards you? Did he do or say anything other than call you a twat under his breath? It may be that there is more to it.....or there may not....!

anniemac i could run of the names of umpteen members of my family who i have witnessed growing up, witnessed how they were disciplined, witnessed their teenage years etc (my self and dsis included obv) and i can tell you that all of us/them still have relationships with their parents. that doesn't mean that how we were raised was acceptable, it doesn't mean we dont have emotional scars from some of the things that happened, it doesn't mean we think our parents did the right thing. my cousin was assaulted by his SF throughout his teenage years. he was kicked out of the house, beaten up, verbally abused with some of the vilest things i have ever heard said to a child (i witnessed some of it) he went to school with both eyes blackened regularly, wounds in his head from things that had been thrown at him. he is an adult now and brings his two lovely DD's round to his parents' house, lets them look after the children overnight, and appears to have totally forgotten his own childhood (that i witnessed). that doesn't mean that just because he appears to get on with his step dad now that damage wasn't done or that what happened was ok because they are still speaking now.