DP just been very agressive with DS

[laurel123]

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

Blu is so right.

Parents should stick together, but such behaviour just makes it impossible.

'Can you tell him that his behaviour undermined your ability to deal with DS because rather than standing alongside him making it clear that calling people a twat isn't OK, you are having to stand against him and tell DS that his father had no right to assault him.'

That is spot-on. What I am always telling dd when she hits her brother when he is being annoying!

she hasn't justifies her son's actions. she said in the OP that she knows he shouldn't speak to her like that.

your dp went over the top, but hopefully your son will now stop, because obviously whatever you were doing is not working. Better he gets a fright now and stops, than is beating you up in a couple of years time like my brother did to my mum.
He will just have learnt that it's ok to bully and threaten people who are weaker than you.

I'd actually say that he is now more likely to beat you up in a couple of years.

My parents never lost it with us, not like this and we are all successful people.
My ex's dad physically beat his kids and they are hardly role models. In fact, ex was physically violent with me.

I know what type of parenting I want in my family and it certainly wouldn't be the type that involves physical threats and violence.

Blu spot on exactly, I have no idea how DP is feeling as not spoken to him yet, think I needed to calm down

Bloody hell! I would struggle to spend time with my DH if he had done that. In fact I would probably walk out with my kids and not come back. Dh has 'issues' with DS1 atm - but most of that is the fact that DH and DS are so similar and wind each other up. He would never in a million years do anything remotely approaching that.

Is this typical of him in any way? Could be suffering from stress? I only ask as I am a depressive and when I at my worst phase I have a much shorter fuse than normal. If that is the case he needs help.

All those people who think the boy will have learned a lesson by this might be wondering what lesson he has learned and whether it's a good one

"He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" if he ever spoke to me like that again"

Actually having read that again I would be going somewhere else with my children for a few nights. let the tosser stew.

imno I am not justifying my sons behaviour, if he is wrong then I punish him. Anyone who meets him thinks is a lovely, kind and level headed boy and is a credit " so must be doing something right" However episodes like this morning could change all that. I agree with most posters that this is not about DS but DP.

Is it typical behaviour OP or a one off un called for over reaction? That would determine what i would do.

On t.e part of you DP i should say

well sorry you didnt like what i wrote, but i see it as a man who has been watching his wife be disrespected time and time again, and eventually lost his rag with it and from what you said, it was totally out of character.
I dont think it was good or nice what he did to your ds, but it sounded to me, that it came from a position of defending you.

Maybe you all need to sit down and have a family discussion together about respect, anger, violence and how you treat each other.

This sounds like a terrifying situation, have there been signs before? I'm concerned that if DP isn't made to understand how this wont be tolerated then it could escalate, who will be next?

No not typical behaviour, he can be short tempered, I have found myself stepping in to calm things down but this was well over the top.

Then that OK Laurel you agree with them that your prerogative totally, just pointing out that should not be tired if people are making this about your son as there will be lots of views. I thought this was a one off and this morning was perhaps the straw that broke the camels back "DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me" you stated in your OP then changed to say he muttered it if OP is correct then of course your DP over reacted but really if my Son was being aggressive and calling me a twat then you must accept that is totally wrong

Your partner's behaviour is disgusting.

If you had posted

I was in a mood, I can be stroppy sometimes, anyway, I hissed "twat" at my partner and he pushed me, screamed at me, grabbed me by the neck and said if I ever called him a twat again, he'd take me into the garden and beat me to death...

The cries of leave the bastard would have deafened us all.

His behaviour is no less disgusting because he did it to an 11 year old child.

well based on my dad's experience (1 of seven boys) dad's should beat their children with hurley sticks, make them sleep in the coal shed, allow priests to abuse them and kick them round the house when they feel like it.

we can all think of an experience that 'proves or disproves' a point. it doesn't mean what you or someone you know experienced was right does it?

The OP's son is not a teenager. He is 11. He is a child

Its not the same. Adults dont need to or have any right to discipline each other.
You have to disciplne our children, its a completely different relationship and different dynamics. Of course it was too far, but its not comparable with threatening your partner, especially if it was a one off.

Honestly, its like some people expect everyone to live in some sort of utopia, and if everything isnt perfect all the time, you just leave.
Living with people is hard work, they get to see all your bad moods and mental illnesses and breakdowns, as well as the fantastic times.

Well if he is allowed to be aggressive towards his Mother and swear at her at 11 then imagine what like as a teen and agree Dinah we all make mistakes do we just break up what is [OP you say family usually fine and happy] from a mental moment of madness