<Big Gulp> I need some perspective on my DH's revelation...

[Fruitdrop]

A bit of background.
I was dx'd with a chronic illness last Autumn, and have suffered and been taking medication for depression for several years. I now take a daily cocktail of drugs, and my libido is practically non existant :( not to mention mobility problems mean it is pretty uncomfortable. Bladder issues since DC3 and a recent dx of a type of colitis have made me terrified of letting go as I'm worried I'll have an accident
DH never complains, and, I assume entertains himself as required. The last time we had any sort of sex was just after New Year.
So, onto the never complaining DH. He laughingly related to me the other morning, when I said I had slept like a log (my condition often makes for very restless nights), "ooh I know, I felt quite frisky when I came to bed, and no amount of stroking was waking you up. I even got you to give me a squeeze, but there wasn't enough grip" He then went on to say he hadn't let that stop him, and had climbed over my legs so he was above me and masturbated.

I was a bit incredulous, as I have absolutely no recollectoon of it at all. I was kind of wrong footed, and didn't know how to respond, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Fast forward a couple of days, and 3LP's thread and the others it has given rise to (I usually have relationships hidden, but had come on to post for advice when I saw the other threads) and I realise that this is not a normal thing for him to have done.
I now do not know what to say to DH, or how I feel about it and I'm terrified that he will do this again, and that it won't stop at just a wank. Like one od the other posters, I take tablets at night to help me sleep (not sleeping tablets but they have that effect)
I have slept on my own for the last two nights, as I can't bring myself to get back in the bed with him. He is beginning to wonder why though and I'm running out of excuses.
God, I'm rambling...but I just can't make sense of it. And yes, we have had sleepy sex in the past, but I have always been awake!
What on earth do I say to him, to tell him how it has made me feel.

First of all stop making excuses for why you are no longer in the marital bed. Tell him it is because you can't trust him not to use your body while you are asleep and what he has done must never happen again. What is it with these men??

What fab said. It getting worrying how many times threads line this have started.

Is this the only time he has done this or does he regularly do it?
You really need to tell him it's not on - how revolting!

I don't get what is arousing about doing that over someone who is asleep?? Or doing it to someone who is asleep for that matter. it is just sick and wrong on every level.

I know I should fabwoman, but I can't find the words. I'm pathetic, I know :(
I hope that he would be horrified if he knew how I felt, but he was so pleased with himself as he told me, that it's making me doubt whether he will understand why I'm feeling uncomfortable about it.
Then I think, it was just a quick wank, where's the harm and feel quite confused
Our marriage has been tested a lot recently and we don't really talk about things like we used to, which makes broaching any subject difficult, let alone one as difficult as this.

"I don't get what is arousing about doing that over someone who is asleep??"

Presumably that you are degrading them by masturbating over them and they can't do anything about it

You are not pathetic.

If you can't say the words then write them down and give it to him. You need to get the message across, it really doesn't matter how. And he needs to leave the bed.

Pleased with himself? WTAF.

AFAIK it's the first time he's carried on when I didn't wake up. He's woken me up by fondling me before though, and once I remember feeling quite alarmed as I woke till I realised what was happening.
I think 3LP's thread will probably lead to more threads like this, unfortunately :( Although my experience seems trivial in comparison to what the posters on the other threads have been putting up with.

That's disgusting.

What is it with these men using women's bodies as they sleep on meds?

Gross.

I'm so sorry this happened, and that he finds it funny. I'd be horrified if my DP said he used my hands and wanked over me as I slept, where's the respect?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can understand why talking to him will be difficult but you have to tell him how you feel about this or he might take your silence on the subject as tacit approval. I find his smug attitude very unnerving.

While I don't condone at all what the OP's OH did, I think AThingInYourLife's take on it that he found it arousing 'cause he was degrading her is pretty insulting to the OH.

I would imagine it's more likely that he generally gets his sexual kicks from how attractive his OH, the OP, is and that he liked to look at her while he got his rocks off just as some people look at porn while they get their rocks off.

While the OP is, of course, totally justified in not finding this ok, I don't think the OH's motives were sinister or unpleasant, just misguided and would hope that once OP says to him that it's horrible to think of that happening while she was asleep he'll understand. I would imagine he simply didn't see it that way.

You can't let this go unchallenged.

Oh my God, not another one.

Point out to him that in law what he has done would constitute a sexual assault. It doesn't matter that you are married, being married does not give him any rights over your body. Marriage does NOT mean that a woman has given continuous consent for her husband to have sex on her any time he feels like it.

Bear in mind that the majority of people, male and female, would NOT go, oh it's part of normal married life if they heard about it. Most people would consider him a creep and a wierdo.

It's understandable that he wants a wank from time to time and that is not, in itself, a bad thing. But doing it on you when you are asleep is unacceptable.

Fruitdrop, your experience is NOT trivial in comparison. Your husband disrespected you and made you feel uncomfortable. His reaction to laugh it off is shocking, hopefully it was out of embarrassment, but you have to tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable and will not happen again.

Did you ask him if he has done it before?

I'm sorry OP.

Take a day or two (or longer) and sort out your feelings. Write down lists if it helps. Then talk to him calmly, let him know how you feel, and tell him you don't want him to do that again.

Don't make excuses or apologise for it, just tell him "it makes me feel used and vulnerable and just not nice inside". explain that you want to be an active participant in sexual stuff, not asleep and unconscious of it. that is not an unreasonable request btw.

once he's been told, he might get all huffy and defensive because he's embarrassed by his own actions (as well he should be), but keep calm and tell him that you're telling him how you feel and what you want in future, and he can use that information as he sees fit, no need to get huffy about it.

if after that, he makes you feel unsafe, or sneers at your words, or dismisses them, then i would pack a bag tbh. you're not safe around someone who doesn't respect your feelings and bodily integrity.

again, so sorry this has happened. really vile of him tbh.

Another vile bloke using his wife's body as some sort of blow up sex doll

I was always aware there were blokes with fucked up attitudes to sex and an entitlement to get their kicks out of the degradation of women

I just didn't quite grasp there were so many of them masquerading as normal family men, seen as "good guys", walking among normal society

wolves in sheep's clothing

Mooncup, I can't believe the sight of me unconscious, snoring and drooling is anything like a porn mag centrefold!

I'm fairly sure he didn't think he was doing anything wrong, but that makes it all the more difficult for me to raise it, rspecially as four days have gone past.

I'm also certain that he will be horrified at how I am feeling.

And I know I have to say something, or he will assume that it was an acceptable thing to do.

I was hoping to talk to him over dinner, but my youngest had an accident at school today, and slept all afternoon, so is now jumping around cheerfully and wanting to eat with us. Typically.

Get him fed and to bed and then talk to your husband. Don't let another day go by before putting him straight.

Bluddy, he didn't "fondle her awake", haven't you read the OP ?

this man has wanked over his sleeping wife and then laughed at her discomfort

does he really need to be told he is disrespecting her ?

AF, I don't think he even contemplated that it was a pretty vile thing to do, and he is genuinely, a very respectful bloke. He doesn't even look at porn as he finds it distasteful and degrading, though the irony of that isn't lost on me at the minute.
I'll definitely talk to him later and report back.