<Big Gulp> I need some perspective on my DH's revelation...

[Fruitdrop]

A bit of background.
I was dx'd with a chronic illness last Autumn, and have suffered and been taking medication for depression for several years. I now take a daily cocktail of drugs, and my libido is practically non existant :( not to mention mobility problems mean it is pretty uncomfortable. Bladder issues since DC3 and a recent dx of a type of colitis have made me terrified of letting go as I'm worried I'll have an accident
DH never complains, and, I assume entertains himself as required. The last time we had any sort of sex was just after New Year.
So, onto the never complaining DH. He laughingly related to me the other morning, when I said I had slept like a log (my condition often makes for very restless nights), "ooh I know, I felt quite frisky when I came to bed, and no amount of stroking was waking you up. I even got you to give me a squeeze, but there wasn't enough grip" He then went on to say he hadn't let that stop him, and had climbed over my legs so he was above me and masturbated.

I was a bit incredulous, as I have absolutely no recollectoon of it at all. I was kind of wrong footed, and didn't know how to respond, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Fast forward a couple of days, and 3LP's thread and the others it has given rise to (I usually have relationships hidden, but had come on to post for advice when I saw the other threads) and I realise that this is not a normal thing for him to have done.
I now do not know what to say to DH, or how I feel about it and I'm terrified that he will do this again, and that it won't stop at just a wank. Like one od the other posters, I take tablets at night to help me sleep (not sleeping tablets but they have that effect)
I have slept on my own for the last two nights, as I can't bring myself to get back in the bed with him. He is beginning to wonder why though and I'm running out of excuses.
God, I'm rambling...but I just can't make sense of it. And yes, we have had sleepy sex in the past, but I have always been awake!
What on earth do I say to him, to tell him how it has made me feel.

he also said that no amount of stroking could wake you up.

so sorry Fruitdrop that he reacted like that :(

OP, that is not the reaction you were hoping for, I guess

I am very sorry

I don't think it is possible to wank someone off, play with yourself and have no memory of it, sorry

:( really? I must admit I have been a little upset at times but dh has always said I have been willing x

if you were willing, topnob, then why would you be upset afterwards ?

My first husband and I would often indulge in what we called 'sleepy sex'. He'd come to bed after me, start to try and arouse me etc. If it worked, I'd turn over and join in and I loved it, that sleepy, comfortable, cuddly joining together. If it didn't, he'd leave me be or occasionally knock one out while stroking my bum.

I happen to like morning sex, my second husband did not. I would frequently try to interest him in proceedings first thing and would equally frequently get a rise out of him but if he made it clear he wasn't interested, stiffy or no stiffy, I didn't just jump on board.

TMI but context is all. In both situations we knew each other's boundaries and respected each other enough not to overstep them.

OP if you feel it was wrong, that's all that matters and he should love and respect you enough to value your feelings.

anyfucker more because I have no recollection of it after or even during, my mind is blank, nothing is there a bit like I have passed out but haven't x

Your body being willing does not mean your mind was, topknob. Where your free will resides (and was not consulted by your husband)

If you are too drunk to remember it, you are too drunk to consent. It's rape.

Sex with someone who is drunk, (really drunk, not just tipsy) asleep or unaware because of drugs or medication is rape.

topknob, do you take strong medication to help you sleep ?

sleepy =/= asleep, though, snoopdogg.

Sleepy sex is lovely. You were both clearly aware of what was going on, and consenting.

None of this is possible when one of the two is actually asleep or passed out.

As difficult as it is, you will have to talk about it with him and gauge his response.

Are you worried that he will not respond appropriately?

But you have to establish what you are comfortable with and he should respect that.

sgb, we have often had sleepy sex, where one or other of us have woken the other up with caresses, so yes, he probably thought I was awake.

We have also joked, when one of us has mentioned sex and the other is knackered "just pull my nightie down when you've finished. But that is a joke, right. No-one would really think it was an invitation.

But, in spite of that, I'm really disappointed with his reaction. I kind of expected more from him. And I was hoping it would lead to more of a discussion about our relationship in general, but he has completely shut down on me :( I didn't shout at, or berate him, I just calmly said that the more I thought about it the more uncomfortable it made me feel and I get a petulant sorry and the silent treatment

lueji, I think you missed a bit, OP has spoken to her husband this evening

Sorry Hot that was the point I was trying to make, he would wait until I was fully aware, not take advantage of sleep

Ups, missed OP's last post.

:(

I suppose it's possible you joined in your dreams and not remember it.
However, I'd make it very clear that I'd expect him to make sure I was fully aware next time.
Waking up to him going over the limit would be a deal breaker.

Fruit, your husband's reaction to your completely justifiable chat with him makes me think he didn't think you were awake

why are you still excusing him, in the face of stonewalling ?

Fruit, re read your OP. Your husband knew you were asleep.

topknob, I'm so sorry that you have been in this position as well :(. I wish I knew the answers.

I had never thought of it in that context AyeRobot (love your name btw :o) I would never just jump on him, and I doubt there are any women who would.

I am very confused :(

Hi OP

agree with AF he's trying to excuse himself and wriggle out of the discussion by shutting you down and making you feel guilty for accusing him of something bad - doesn't that surely prove that he has something to be ashamed of, that he is aware that he crossed a boundary. This time he joked about it so that's how you know it happened. Would it change your reaction if you knew he had done it more than once? Once a man has crossed a boundary and violated you its all the more easy to do it again because the respect is gone.

am growing to hate men with a passion.

Oh please can we see no more of these posts claiming that some men don't know that getting sexual relief from a sleeping and unconsenting woman is wrong - and a sexual assault. Of course they bloody know. Men don't live in a social vacuum from the rest of society. All of us (well the vast majority ) know this is wrong, as do our partners male or female.

OP your husband knows this is wrong.

But he liked doing it, thought you'd know about it somehow if he didn't tell you and made it into a light-hearted 'confession' so that you'd be wrong-footed by this mood of jollity and normality. Now that you've had time to process it and have told him you think it was vile, he's punishing you for that with petulance.

A decent man wouldn't have done it in the first place so his reaction is no surprise at all. If he's behaved otherwise and pretended to be shocked and horrified to learn that you didn't like it, that would have been utterly false.

No woman in her right mind would like this happening to her and no decent man would ever think it was okay.

Thank you

I don't want you to feel bad, I just want you to have some clarity because he is making this very confusing for you. If you did do what I said ^^ and he said a few days later that it made him feel uncomfortable, what would your reaction be?

AF, I'm not excusing him, just trying to make sense of a man I thought I knew :(

Sometimes OP men tell you about or do wrong things in a jokey way because it puts you off guard and you find it very hard to tell yourself that its wrong - if they are laughing about it, it must be ok mindset takes over. That doesnt make it ok.

anyfucker no meds at all, just too much wine xx

See the thing is I have felt uncomfortable with it the next day but what can I say/do, I have no recollection none at all x sorry for hijack, maybe should start a new thread x