<Big Gulp> I need some perspective on my DH's revelation...

[Fruitdrop]

A bit of background.
I was dx'd with a chronic illness last Autumn, and have suffered and been taking medication for depression for several years. I now take a daily cocktail of drugs, and my libido is practically non existant :( not to mention mobility problems mean it is pretty uncomfortable. Bladder issues since DC3 and a recent dx of a type of colitis have made me terrified of letting go as I'm worried I'll have an accident
DH never complains, and, I assume entertains himself as required. The last time we had any sort of sex was just after New Year.
So, onto the never complaining DH. He laughingly related to me the other morning, when I said I had slept like a log (my condition often makes for very restless nights), "ooh I know, I felt quite frisky when I came to bed, and no amount of stroking was waking you up. I even got you to give me a squeeze, but there wasn't enough grip" He then went on to say he hadn't let that stop him, and had climbed over my legs so he was above me and masturbated.

I was a bit incredulous, as I have absolutely no recollectoon of it at all. I was kind of wrong footed, and didn't know how to respond, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Fast forward a couple of days, and 3LP's thread and the others it has given rise to (I usually have relationships hidden, but had come on to post for advice when I saw the other threads) and I realise that this is not a normal thing for him to have done.
I now do not know what to say to DH, or how I feel about it and I'm terrified that he will do this again, and that it won't stop at just a wank. Like one od the other posters, I take tablets at night to help me sleep (not sleeping tablets but they have that effect)
I have slept on my own for the last two nights, as I can't bring myself to get back in the bed with him. He is beginning to wonder why though and I'm running out of excuses.
God, I'm rambling...but I just can't make sense of it. And yes, we have had sleepy sex in the past, but I have always been awake!
What on earth do I say to him, to tell him how it has made me feel.

You could ask your h how he would feel if a friend who fancied him wanked over him while he was asleep and then bragged about it

Pink has explained what she meant in a pm, and apologised for her first post. I honestly think it just came out wrong.

I don't think at all that dh would think it was acceptable to masturbate over an unconscious stranger and that he is deeply remorseful for causing me distress. We've had a few snatched conversations this morning. he has been told it is never to happen again, and I am accepting his apology. We need to do some work at our telationship though, we both accept that.
Thanks for all the input, and I hope that gopknob and evacuation warden can get the help that they need.

Hi Fruitdrop, I've read your thread and I am sorry to hear of your illness. It sounds like you are being able to talk about what he did, if only slowly and that he is coming to an apology. Do you think that you might be able to use this as an opener to have a really frank and honest conversation about how you can both feel safe in a sex life going forward? If your libido is deadened by your meds, does he really understand this and not think it is reflection on him? Can you lose your guilt about life dealing this blow to you both (I think you said upthread that you felt guilt to tell him what you felt at first, thus could not tell him why you had moved beds)? Can he safely express his grief about what you are going through and the change in your relationship?

I understand that, even if you do feel some desire, you are scared you might have a bowel movement due to the colitis if you are having sex. Could you talk about this together? If you felt reassured that your H was understanding, might it help you feel better about this and safe to take the risk?

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm excusing him here, what I am trying to say is I've understood from you that you have a good relationship generally but that talking openly and absolutely frankly about sex post your diagnosis is something that you two have not yet been able to do?

I'm so relieved he seems to be getting the message. Hopefully it was just a massive error in judgement on his part. Don't let him minimise how you feel though. Even if it was a mistake you have every right to be upset about it - he can't just brush it under the carpet. One of the reasons i broke up with my ex after he raped me was that he expected me to just forget about it.

Good luck, fruit, and I hope he works hard to show you there is a way forward for your relationship ater this x

EW so many women being made aware of unacceptable behaviour. Sorry

sorry fruitdrop...hope you are finding your way through the maze of emotions and really glad that you can talk to your DH like this and hope you canwork through everything together.

I really was just trying to imagine how a decent man who loved his wife and had been holding back from sex with her because of that love might be thinking, even if it was misguided thinking by him.

love, peace,

Pink, sorry but I think you should leave this now. I think you are explaining what you think really well, unfortunately.

If people would just stop telling me to leave, I wouldn't need to post again. OP's husband may or may not be being whatever you say. I for one would rather he was a decent misguided man who is listening to what his wife says than that he is a twunt. I don't have the info to know which is true.

.

He's a decent man who unfortunately has twuntish moments pink

I'm not minimizing it, or excusing his behaviour, but perhaps I don't think I would be nearly as confused if everything else (ie my health and our other relationship worries) was OK.

I think Pink has explained herself, and really doesn't need to leave the thread on my account.

it's your thread, fruit, but don't forget The Lurkers out there

it is totally right that damaging myths about what constitutes a man's respect for his wife are challenged when seen

'albeit unconscious gift'? I'm sorry to jump on you Pink but this is seriously fucked up thinking. How can you 'gift' something taken without your consent? If I get mugged tomorrow is my purse my 'unconscious gift' to the thief?

Really think that post needs deleting, it is a bad and deeply offensive message.

He was GLOATING when he told you what he had done to you Op . I too have had the misfortune to live with a man like this and they very much enjoy the shock on your face when they tell you . Its nearly always said with a smirk .

Thats my twopennance worth . I cannot continue to read this thread as some of the excusing , justifying is making me feel physically ill .

topknob 'Just reading back and no Dh doesn't drink.' :(

Can you speak about this with anyone in rl, or otherwise phone womanaid or rape crisis?
It has to stop!

But Diggs, he has apologised, he has explained what happened and has taken on board the fact that I was not awake, and, as such, a willing participant and that I'm actually quite upset about it and he has sworn it won't happen again. What are you suggesting I do? Throw him out saying I don't believe him? When I have no reason not to believe him?
Our marriage, until my illness has caused both financial and emotional strain, was good. I am not excusing his behaviour on this occasion, but after 16 years together he deserves a chance to make amends and to rebuild the trust I had in him previously.
Whether he will or not, will, of course, remain to be seen.

Fruit, have you clarified in your head what you will do if he puts you in this position again ?

I will leave the bastard, AF

Seriously, though, I've told him that it isn't a situation I will be prepared to let slide again. He knows what's at stake.

We've also discussed strategies for dealing with the other stress points in our marriage, and agreed that we need to spend more quality time together (to coin a cliche)
We'll be OK.

I can remember some years ago that happening to a friend who was awake after she made it clear she did not want to go futher. She was mortified and ended it there and then. Sorry but it sounds like a violation and an odd power thing. Not saying that to belittle you but i would freak quietly, and ask him what the hell were you thinking? The fact that he told you implies he is sounding you out to see if you were flattered or take it on the chin.

I,m sorry that you are ill and it would be sick enough if you were well. I worry that maybe because you are ill, you do not feel strong enough to deal with him. How would he like it if you gave him a sleeping pill, felt the desire to punch his face in over what he did,and just did! I think small forgiveness if he had to have said, i got had a weird urge to, but the fact that he did-abussive.

Wish you better xx

fruit I know you will take this point from me in the spirit it is meant, as you have so far on your thread

this "more quality time you will spend together" ?

does it take the form of weekends away without the dc, date nights, meals out etc ?

because I would view that as rewards for him for bad behaviour

on every other thread where the solution to abusive male behaviour is to involve others in babysitting, pander to his need for more attention and otherwise gently stroke the mighty fucking ego, I get a shiver of foreboding and call it for what it is

I see no difference here

be careful about what behaviour you are reinforcing with rewards

I'm a bit hesitant at posting about someone else's marriage, but one of my thoughts when reading the original post was that it didn't sound like the understandable lack of sex had been discussed much. It doesn't in any way excuse what happened, but might be an indication that there's a lot to discuss. However much I loved my OH and wanted to be fine with the situation and would try not to make my OH feel uncomfortable/guilty and wouldn't be tempted to go outside the marriage, if I was honest I wouldn't see 'entertaining myself' as a substitute for all the other stuff that goes with great sex with your OH.

That isn't for one moment meant to imply that its your responsibility to do something about it, that would be unreasonable in the circumstances, just that it might be something in the context of what seems to be an otherwise good relationship for you both to acknowledge.

Really hope that all comes across right...

It would, AF, if we had any money! It will be country walks and watercolour painting. Or I might sit and read a book whilst he gets his rod out

But....point taken. I am proceeding cautiously I promise :)

Buchanquine, thanks for your message. It strikes a chord.

Inashizzle, we are going to work through this, and things will be ok but I do have some sleeping pills from early on in my illness, right good ones too! I will hang onto them a bit longer in case they're needed