<Big Gulp> I need some perspective on my DH's revelation...

[Fruitdrop]

A bit of background.
I was dx'd with a chronic illness last Autumn, and have suffered and been taking medication for depression for several years. I now take a daily cocktail of drugs, and my libido is practically non existant :( not to mention mobility problems mean it is pretty uncomfortable. Bladder issues since DC3 and a recent dx of a type of colitis have made me terrified of letting go as I'm worried I'll have an accident
DH never complains, and, I assume entertains himself as required. The last time we had any sort of sex was just after New Year.
So, onto the never complaining DH. He laughingly related to me the other morning, when I said I had slept like a log (my condition often makes for very restless nights), "ooh I know, I felt quite frisky when I came to bed, and no amount of stroking was waking you up. I even got you to give me a squeeze, but there wasn't enough grip" He then went on to say he hadn't let that stop him, and had climbed over my legs so he was above me and masturbated.

I was a bit incredulous, as I have absolutely no recollectoon of it at all. I was kind of wrong footed, and didn't know how to respond, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Fast forward a couple of days, and 3LP's thread and the others it has given rise to (I usually have relationships hidden, but had come on to post for advice when I saw the other threads) and I realise that this is not a normal thing for him to have done.
I now do not know what to say to DH, or how I feel about it and I'm terrified that he will do this again, and that it won't stop at just a wank. Like one od the other posters, I take tablets at night to help me sleep (not sleeping tablets but they have that effect)
I have slept on my own for the last two nights, as I can't bring myself to get back in the bed with him. He is beginning to wonder why though and I'm running out of excuses.
God, I'm rambling...but I just can't make sense of it. And yes, we have had sleepy sex in the past, but I have always been awake!
What on earth do I say to him, to tell him how it has made me feel.

it's not up to you to make sense of it

OP, you gave him a chance to make sense of what he did, and he failed miserably

Why would you hate men with a passion because of this thread?

Men aren't one homogenous group

topknob....do you take medication that makes you sleep heavily ?

and it is so hard. i can guarantee you that the feeling of "trying to make sense of a man I thought I knew" has been felt by every woman whose man crosses boundaries be they emotional, sexual, financial, physical.

Its ok to feel that way.

No anyfucker none at all x

starwisher I have a whole bunch of threads about my AP and his sexual abuse. I find it very hard to see men in a good light atm. apologies to all the "nice" ones.

topknob, then you fact that you don't remember means that your H is raping you while you sleep

no wakey, no consent = rape (by definition)

I would be horrified, AyeRobot, but it wouldn't occur to me to do it in the first place. My libido is so extinct thanks to my daily chemical cocktail as well that I wouldn't feel the need either!

And when I think on, of course my grip is rubbish, I have a rheumatic illness

CovertTwinkle, him thinking he could do it again, escalating to intercourse, is what I'm most afraid of.

He has just come in from having a cig outside and has apologised for upsetting me and sworn it will never happen again, even though he thought I was aware of what was going on. I told him to make sure I'm fully awake in future, and if it happens again he can consider our relationship over. He has gone to bed.

Topknob - maybe you should start a thread ? You would et lots of advice on here about it.

And yes it is rape. What is his justification for doing this to you ?

Fruitdrop im not sure i could share a bed with him after that tbh.

Thank you any fucker and any one else who commented :) will try and work through this..it didn't feel right at the time and he did it again last week (been about 5 times in total) ..I did think maybe my excessive friday drinking had a part to play but am now thinking otherwise and not sure what to do xx

Fruit that is a better reaction from him

now you know you have be very clear that you will not accept this again, don't you ?

he has crossed a line, and it must not be erased by him again

Sorry to hear that covert I have not seen your threads

There are definitely lots of lovely men in the world, but yes it's hard to trust when you have been abused. You just have to learn again judge each man as an individual.these things take time x

But I think that your last post has an undertone of "I can't let this go" - deep down do you believe him or is there a small voice telling you that you can't trust him not do it again. You need to listen to that voice. Trust your own instincts not what someone is telling you. what are they telling you?

topknob, keep reading and post again if it helps

have you seen the other threads with a similar subject?

it seems the "I believe you" campaign by MN is prompting lots of women to re-examine their relationships

that is a good thing (despite the few and far between naysayers)

member whether a woman is asleep, trolleyed, drugged, high, low, unconscious or otherwise incapacitated and unable to give consent is immaterial

lack of consent=rape

starwisher I know that. sorry for defensive reaction... you touched a nerve

No worries it didn't read as defensive at all, just an explanation. Dont worry in the slightest x

Topknob, no worries about hi-jacking :) I'm sorry for what's happening with you, but glad that my thread has given you the confidence to put into words what's going on in your own relationship.

CovertTwinkle, I would never have thought my dh could be that sort of bloke, ewho covers up inappropriate behaviour with PA humour.

Do I accept his apology, give him the benffit of the doubt, but be vigilant, or what? I really don't know how to move gorward. And is he sorry because he Is genuinely sorry, or because he has been rumbled?

That sounds better.
It's possible that he was initially surprised at your reaction and needed some time to think.

He could well have never mentioned it, if he thought it was that wrong.

But it's always possible that he mentioned to see your reaction and if you effectively consented to it.

I hope that it is the first and this is the last of it.

But in a relationship, a lot of the time the consent is implied by sexual response. My dh doesn't say "do you consent?" & I say "yes, I consent fully"! I'd say non- consent is expressed more specifically in that situation as in "don''t", "I'm not in the mood" etc. Topknob doesn't know herself whether she was into it at the time or not!

you are correct, member

tobknob was unable to give consent, nor to deny it

you sound like a rape apologist, member but try not to worry too much, you are in good company because these threads are bringing quite a few of them out

She doesn't know because was drunk. Consent can't be given in states of intoxication (to incapacitation, which no memory would perhaps suggest was the case). And not saying no doesn't mean that rape hasn't happened.

Establishing continuous consent, although not necessarily through verbal means, is the best way to not rape someone.