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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

<Big Gulp> I need some perspective on my DH's revelation...

239 replies

Fruitdrop · 16/03/2012 18:18

A bit of background.
I was dx'd with a chronic illness last Autumn, and have suffered and been taking medication for depression for several years. I now take a daily cocktail of drugs, and my libido is practically non existant :( not to mention mobility problems mean it is pretty uncomfortable. Bladder issues since DC3 and a recent dx of a type of colitis have made me terrified of letting go as I'm worried I'll have an accident
DH never complains, and, I assume entertains himself as required. The last time we had any sort of sex was just after New Year.
So, onto the never complaining DH. He laughingly related to me the other morning, when I said I had slept like a log (my condition often makes for very restless nights), "ooh I know, I felt quite frisky when I came to bed, and no amount of stroking was waking you up. I even got you to give me a squeeze, but there wasn't enough grip" He then went on to say he hadn't let that stop him, and had climbed over my legs so he was above me and masturbated.

I was a bit incredulous, as I have absolutely no recollectoon of it at all. I was kind of wrong footed, and didn't know how to respond, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Fast forward a couple of days, and 3LP's thread and the others it has given rise to (I usually have relationships hidden, but had come on to post for advice when I saw the other threads) and I realise that this is not a normal thing for him to have done.
I now do not know what to say to DH, or how I feel about it and I'm terrified that he will do this again, and that it won't stop at just a wank. Like one od the other posters, I take tablets at night to help me sleep (not sleeping tablets but they have that effect)
I have slept on my own for the last two nights, as I can't bring myself to get back in the bed with him. He is beginning to wonder why though and I'm running out of excuses.
God, I'm rambling...but I just can't make sense of it. And yes, we have had sleepy sex in the past, but I have always been awake!
What on earth do I say to him, to tell him how it has made me feel.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/03/2012 19:51

bluddy, I think fabwoman was trying to mitigate what you said (on your behalf...she is a better person than I), don't get all stabby with her

Dee03 · 16/03/2012 19:51

So sorry but you dh needs telling...and quick!
Hope you can sort it out xx

fabwoman · 16/03/2012 19:52

Thank you AF Smile.

hairytaleofnewyork · 16/03/2012 19:58

" I even got you to give me a squeeze, but there wasn't enough grip"

That means he entered you? That is rape OP :(

BluddyMoFo · 16/03/2012 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fabwoman · 16/03/2012 20:00

hairy - I took that as a squeeze by her hand.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/03/2012 20:01

It is, yes, MoFo, the best way.

But some people have had that conditioned out of them. Imply to a child that shit treatment is all they deserve, and that is what they will grow up believing. It is nothing to be flippant about.

AND the way others treat them is NOT THEIR FAULT, but entirely the responsibility of the person doing the unacceptable action. use of all caps intentional.

AyeRobot · 16/03/2012 20:01

I find a good approach to not sexually assaulting someone is to know that they are consenting. That's the right way round, isn't it? Permission, not forgiveness.

MooncupandPizza · 16/03/2012 20:06

Fruitdrop - didn't mean to imply that you were looking like a porn centrefold just that you are his object of sexual desire (even if you weren't looking your best at that moment!) as porn is to others.

I agree you should talk to his and explain it's not ok but I don't think you have to try to think of him as a monster. I don't think he was enjoying degrading you or anything of the sort.

I hope he understands your perspective when you talk to him. I'd be pretty sure he just hadn't looked at it that way.

fabwoman · 16/03/2012 20:07

He hadn't thought at all..

ImperialBlether · 16/03/2012 20:09

Why are you so sure, Mooncup? Do you know him?

QuietNinjaLamp · 16/03/2012 20:09

Hairy I read that as ops hand on his penis but obviously op would clarify. I'm disgusted at how many of these threads there are now. My dh once joked about sex when I was asleep and I made it very clear that if he ever ever touched me when I was asleep then it would be rape and we would be over. He was mortified and has never made a "joke" like it since.
I feel so upset on all these ladies behalf it's horrifying. Op I hope your dp is suitably mortified and you can work things out (if you want to) if not then get rid asap.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/03/2012 20:09

Aye, AyeRobot!

I would even go so far as to say that I find a good approach not to sexually assault someone is to not sexually assault them.

Since it's only in your power to assault or not to assault. And not in any way contingent on whether your intended assaultee said or didn't say the right things, before or during, wore or didn't wear the right things, was or was not in the right or wrong place, etc etc. The way to avoid abusing someone is to not fucking abuse them.

crunchbag · 16/03/2012 20:18

mooncup, then why couldn't he just have a quick wank lying next to her? He actually climbed on top of her, having a wank above her sleeping body! That is degrading.

AyeRobot · 16/03/2012 20:18

Well, quite, HotDAMN. I did write that and delete it because it looked a bit snidey.Grin

But really. It wouldn't occur to me to grab my partner's hand when they were asleep (and sick!) and start frotting myself with it, for eg. Or masturbate him into an erection and then just hop on? Would anyone else?

Fruitdrop, you're not pathetic. And of course it's taking you a while to process this - it's bizarre behaviour. There's real life support out there - Rape Crisis*, local agencies etc. You don't have to do anything now. Or ever, even. But you do need to know that you aren't over-reacting.

(*note to self - donate when make a suggestion)

AnyFucker · 16/03/2012 20:18

amen, HotDAMN

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2012 20:20

More than 20 years ago now, I was in bed with my then-boyfriend, who started getting frisky with me while we were both sleeping. I woke up and belted him one (I tend to wake up a bit, er, vigorously). He was mortified. He never did it again. He is not, was not and I'm sure never will be a creep or a predator, his reaction (horror and remorse and embarrassment) was what you'd expect of a healthy normal man.

It's just possible that the H in this story meant no harm and didn't think the OP would mind - Fruitdrop, prior to your illness, did you have the sort of relationship where either one of you might snuggle up to the other and initiate half-asleep sort of sex and be happy with it? If so, he may have seen it as an extension of that.

Or maybe not. It's also possible (bearing in mind that I don't know you, or him, or what the rest of your relationship is like) that this happened out of a kind of resentment on his part, resenting the fact that you are ill and sex is not happening between you - that's NOT excusing his behaviour, quite the reverse.

If he's generally loving, decent, supportive and kind and genuinely remorseful rather than belittling your feelings, you might be able to sort this out. If he's dismissive or stroppy or tries to blame it on the lack of sex, then it's time to have a serious think about your options.

Original poster
Fruitdrop · 16/03/2012 20:24

Oh please don't fight :(
You're right, Mofo, I should be able to tell him; I'm an intelligent, educated, once very career minded woman, who was never afraid to speak my mind. But 10 years of depression, bereavement (both parents) and several chronic health complaints, have kind of knocked the stuffing out of me.

Well we had the conversation, which lasted all of two minutes. He said he thought I was awake, and that it was me who grabbed his penis rather than him putting his penis in my hand. He also said that I was playing with myself at the same time when he was on top of me (this is new information, he never mentioned that on Monday morning). I reiterated that I was not awake, have no recollection of any of it and that the thought of it was making me feel increasingly uncomfortable. He said "Sorry" and is now being very petulant :(
This is not the reaction I was hoping for.
Is it possible that I would join in, but not be aware of it

OP posts:
fabwoman · 16/03/2012 20:31

Forget whether you were touching yourself or not - you were not joining in as you were unaware of what was going on - the fact that he is now being an arse tells me he is not being truthful about what has gone on. Tell him to stop with the tantrums and it is his turn to sleep in the spare bed.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 16/03/2012 20:31

But he already commented that he has put your hand on his cock, and had complained that the grip wasnt good enough!

I'm sorry, OP.

oikopolis · 16/03/2012 20:35

Petulant?
Oh God OP. So sorry. What a disappointment he is.

topknob · 16/03/2012 20:37

My dh has sex with me when I am not aware ( read as pissed) and it's not til the next day when I wake up naked am I aware it has gone on...is that rape???

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/03/2012 20:38

Yes it is topknot. That would be the term for sex without consent.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/03/2012 20:39

I am so sorry this has happened to you too.

oikopolis · 16/03/2012 20:39

Yes topknob that's rape. I'm sorry love.