<Big Gulp> I need some perspective on my DH's revelation...

[Fruitdrop]

A bit of background.
I was dx'd with a chronic illness last Autumn, and have suffered and been taking medication for depression for several years. I now take a daily cocktail of drugs, and my libido is practically non existant :( not to mention mobility problems mean it is pretty uncomfortable. Bladder issues since DC3 and a recent dx of a type of colitis have made me terrified of letting go as I'm worried I'll have an accident
DH never complains, and, I assume entertains himself as required. The last time we had any sort of sex was just after New Year.
So, onto the never complaining DH. He laughingly related to me the other morning, when I said I had slept like a log (my condition often makes for very restless nights), "ooh I know, I felt quite frisky when I came to bed, and no amount of stroking was waking you up. I even got you to give me a squeeze, but there wasn't enough grip" He then went on to say he hadn't let that stop him, and had climbed over my legs so he was above me and masturbated.

I was a bit incredulous, as I have absolutely no recollectoon of it at all. I was kind of wrong footed, and didn't know how to respond, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Fast forward a couple of days, and 3LP's thread and the others it has given rise to (I usually have relationships hidden, but had come on to post for advice when I saw the other threads) and I realise that this is not a normal thing for him to have done.
I now do not know what to say to DH, or how I feel about it and I'm terrified that he will do this again, and that it won't stop at just a wank. Like one od the other posters, I take tablets at night to help me sleep (not sleeping tablets but they have that effect)
I have slept on my own for the last two nights, as I can't bring myself to get back in the bed with him. He is beginning to wonder why though and I'm running out of excuses.
God, I'm rambling...but I just can't make sense of it. And yes, we have had sleepy sex in the past, but I have always been awake!
What on earth do I say to him, to tell him how it has made me feel.

continuous and enthusiastic consent

only you can answer those questions. and thats the dividing line between him crossing a boundary, getting that it was WELL out of order and NEVER even thinking about doing it again ... or him getting caught, saying what he needs to to get you off his back and doing it again once you've half forgotten about it. The issue is if he were to do it again would you know? You mentioned medication which makes you sleep heavily? If you don't feel comfortable don't sleep in the same bed - don't try and convince yourself to forget all about it if it doesn't feel right.

and keep posting as and when you need to. we can't tell you what to do but we can talk things through with you.

What topknob does know is that it didn't feel right afterwards and that should be enough to put a stop to it.

I wasn't at all, I have no idea if I was up for it or not and tbh I am wondering if the wine has alot more to do with this than I think x

It is possible that these men really don?t understand the potential upset they can cause doing this sort of thing. I mean, many of my past BFs have said how they?d love to be woken up by me giving them a blowjob or getting them hard and climbing on top! They clearly don?t see it as sexual assault.

topknob, even if you were smashed out of your brain 24/7 it doesn't give your H to have sex on you without your consent

if you think you have a problem with the vino, of course address that on it's own account x

Wine, that is because they give their consent

you can't see the difference ?

how many times does that need to be said ?

your H the right

I was about to tell you to stop being so bloody ridiculous AF but then realised that would be a bit unfair since you know nothing about me so can't possibly realise just how ridiculous your comment about being a rape apologist is!

Suffice to say, I disagree preferring to call myself someone with a modicum of common sense who can see that things aren't always black & white. Until both partners sign a pre-coital consent form each time accompanied by a breathyliser test, shades of grey WILL exist.

The problem in both cases is that there is loss of trust (I'd think).
Personally, I'd always have a niggling doubt and I suspect that might ultimately destroy the relationship.

We should not have to wonder what our DPs are doing when we are not conscious.
And we should not feel the need to protect ourselves in our own home.

But it's really up to you and your boundaries.
You should not feel bad because other people did in similar circumstances, but you should not feel that you should accept it because some people might too.

It is possible that some men would actually love for their DP to do the same to them and assume it's ok for them to do it too, but are these men who actually respect women? Are they likely to do it again because they don't understand (/don't respect) her objections?

winegoggles these men enter and assualt their partners when they are asleep. It is utterly degrading and violating. your past BF have talked about (not demanded or acting upon) a fantasy of being woken up by you touching them. there is a vast chasm between that and raping someone while they are defenceless. a vast difference.

Not unless you're a really shit lover, member.

There are no shades of grey around non-consensual sex, member

The law is quite clear, even (shock, horror) when 2 people are married to each other

You may not think you are a rape apologist, but what you are peddling maes you sound lie one

k k k

Someone saying..."I'd like that" = invitation

Someone seeing someone and saying "I want that" = imposition in this case =rape.

Simples no???
Men can be raped too...If they think at all they know the difference between I'd really like it if you did...... and taking something not freely offered.

I have, occasionally in my younger days, had sex when drunk that I didn't remember in the morning. However, given that I have also done other things when drunk that I didn't quite remember in the morning until reminded, I don't recall those encounters as unconsensual: I would have been participating even if a little clumsily. I also tended to react with a rueful smirk and a comment along the lines of wishing I could remember it better.

Most men, nice men, might have bumbling drunken sex with an equally drunk participating partner, but not with one who's passed out. Men who will have sex on an unconscious woman are rapists.

member shades of grey mean that men get away with doing things they shouldn't because others and they themselves can say - but you were drunk, but you wanted it at the time, but you're my gf etc etc etc.

Shades of grey mean that men get away with things they shouldn't.

Thanks CovertTwinkle :)
I think he will honour my feelings, but I'm still concerned about my being so out of things with the meds that I'm unaware, for many reasons, not just batting away DH's unwanted advances. I think I need to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I will probably still sleep on the sofa again tonight!

Topknob, I hope you can work through this xx

shades of grey

great rape defence, well done

I am sure some jury somewhere falls for that shite on a regular basis

Eh?

So, let me understand this, Topknob can't remember whether she was an enthusiastic participant because of alcohol so we have to assume she didn't consent when her behaviour was exactly the same as previous times she's had consensual sex?

Let me correct you member -

"topknob can't remember having sex, agreeing to it or not, she wakes up naked, with a feeling that something isn't right about what happened, and cries"

that feeling is often our body's way of letting us know that something happened that shouldn't have - people who block out traumatic events get it, people who have been in accidents that they struggle to remember get it. people who have been assaulted and attacked get it. we should never just dismiss gut feelings because there's a chance nothing happened. there's also a chance rape happened. your argument could convince someone that they shouldn't listen to that gut feeling when they desperately need to.

Topnob has talked about times where she feels very uncomfortable afterwards when she can't remember whether she gave consent or not

she doesn't say she feels uncomfortable after every time she has sex with her h

are you minimising her feelings, member ?

There are no 'shades of grey' at all. As far as the law is concerned if a woman is unconscious for any reason she is unable to give her consent, so if a man penetrates her with his penis it is rape.

It beggars belief that anyone needs this spelt out.

Men know this.

Site went down & swallowed my post & I'm low on battery.

Charbon, I'm well aware of that, Topknob wasn't unconscious.

Who's to say Topknob's tears & feeling uncomfortable aren't due to self-loathing that she got so pissed (?again) combined with the depressant effects of alcohol?

member, are you one of those people who will try any explanation rather than put the blame squarely where it lies ?