Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Morning. Think things are coming to a head here. H slept in spare room last night after a small bust up over him making a snide remark about my weight which I got annoyed about and wanted to talk about it, why it hurt etc. He sulked, refused to discuss, and then stormed off to spare room for entire night with laptop (bliss!). This morning, when I was not conciliatory, (shock horror!) he suggested that I was over reacting and that was he therefore never allowed to pass comment? Er no, when you are saying something negative that you know will hurt somebody you are supposed to love, that they have asked you not to do because it upsets them, that would make you a wanker.

So I have booked an appointment with a solicitor, 12 noon today. Feeling the need for strength.

Hope you are all feeling strong too.

Hello BuiltForComfort (great name!) - I saw your thread in AIBU, welcome.

Bobits- no offence taken at all- was wondering at the whole concept of responsibility for actions, I think a really good thing on this thread is that we can all wonder "out loud" and our wonderings might spark other musings in the rest of us!

Hold firm EW. They want us to back down when THEY insult us.

I expect him to go into martyrdom about being in spare room at some point too... the reply to that is, when you insult me, that's where you end up... Get used to it.

If you are feeling brave, say that you won't be sharing a bed with him again if he won't treat you as an equal... (titters, cos we ALL know thats not gonna happen...)

I like your thinking houdini :) however I've now reached the point where staying together is the lesser of two evils for me- so I am very happy for him to continue his self imposd martyrdom, the giant dickhead that he is, and not come back into our bed.
I am so so cross!

Oh yes! that's what I meant! Hold firm, it's one more step to getting rid of him.

You'll get there!

Lesser of 2 evils? I don't think so. Being without this dick head will ALWAYS be better. Trust me.

Don't ever think that being with him is not THAT bad. It is. Being without him IS better, you will get by, you will survive and you will actually thrive!

Promise!

thank you all.

My trouble is partly that whilst my situation isnt unique in the proper sense of that word, its near enough that anyone who has heard of me, will know exactly who i am.

Im just fed up of things never changing. No matter how strong I am. No matter how much i ignore his antics. no matter how empowered i am, he still manages to do stuff that reduces me to tears. I pick myself up and carry on, but im tired of it all. The only way to remvoe him completely from my life is to also say goodbye to my children, and im not willing to do that.

I had a unique situation bunny and a (then) husband who knew I was addicted to on MN, hence I never had my own thread. Plus the whole thing was so complex as it went back so many years I couldn't have written the post (did try a couple of times).

MN has been an absolute godsend, as if I moaned to my friends (some of whom were also his) it sounded trivial, plus involved money from family which I could not really refer to. Also friends felt they needed to take a balanced view (hah!)

Can you say any more about why you would have to say goodbye to DC? Not saying it's necessarily true in your case, but some people have been convinced by their abuser that that would be the case, when actually that was far from the case.

Oh bunny, you sound so resigned to being unhappy, it's heartbreaking :(

I'm curious about that, too, bunny. Is there a nationality issue?

Hope you're able to tell us a bit more, bunny. Very sad for you. X

EW I'm glad you stood up to him and are continuing to do so. Good luck at the solicitors.

bunny I've only been on here a few days and am really glad to have found these ladies who know exactly what I'm talking about. I hope you find help here too.

bunny? Are you in the UK?

You can get help with the DC if you need it.

There really is NO reason why you have to live like this. Trust us.

Right.. {pushes Hissy to the forefront}

There are a few of you here atm who are sounding resigned to your fates.

Allow me to be the first to ALSO say that I too felt like this. Trapped.

Except that I was. I was 4 flights up in a building with a 2-3yo, and even when I got kicked so hard a bruise on my elbow swelled up to the size of a tennis ball, I knew that I couldn't flee to safety. I couldn't get me and the luggage AND the child in one go downstairs. I knew that the nutters locals would try to stop me if they knew what I was doing, i'd be followed or taken advantage of at the very least.

EVEN if by some miracle i did make it down stairs with my bag and boy, where would I go? to the Airport? 3hrs away by car. Home? 5.5 hours and to where? My mum/her H were not overly welcoming. I didn't have the kind of cash to pay for that. I had no clue as to where the bus to the airport went from or even how to ask to get there. I may have been able to check into a hotel, but women on their own in a hotel.... NOT usually advisable. Harassment at the very least.

I couldn't have called anyone. The Police wouldn't have done anything, the neighbours also. My Mum/Sis would literally not text/email me for 2-3 weeks if I so much as mentioned that I was not entirely living the dream. My dad said 'Well no-one made you go there...'

We all feel helpless, hopeless and forgotten. We may even tell ourselves that we are worth nothing better...

Somewhere DEEP inside of us all though IS someone that KNOWS that this is not good, that wants to get out. We ALL of us can get out.

I bided my time, leaving HIM, even in spite of everything, was really scary. I suffered from agoraphobia for AGES, even though it took me a good while to realise.

If our bodies are trapped (for now) our minds ARE NOT. We need to see that one day this will come to an end and we will be free.

You all need to know that the one day when freedom comes, IS scary, but it IS elating and wonderful too. Life starts to get better from that day onwards.

please never give up. Your day WILL come, you (AND your children) will be free,

I've started keeping a record of everything he says and does which upsets me but I feel even more pathetic seeing all these stupid little things written down! How do I get past feeling that this is my problem not his?

Houdini - So true :)

veeeee - That is good though - you will be able to see it all add up. I'm sorry that you feel so down :( Do you have much outside support? In my experience, realising 'things weren't as they should' is a big shock. Your head might know - but it takes a while for your heart and feelings to catch up.
For me I think I went in thinking he was the same as me - equally responsible for the good and bad. (Thats how I think relationships should be) Realising that your partner doesn't view it that way is a hard thing to come to terms with. (Thats before deciding what to do and thinking of the consequences). You will get there - give yourself time and be gentle with yourself xx

bunny....there's a way out for all of us...somewhere.

My first post under a different name neatly reversed nearly all of the details of our family...except the abusive ones...so I had fewer DCs different genders, borrowed my grandfather's northern voice...a different job, was not married....and the advice I got was spot on nd very helpful. Now I am me...but it did keep me safe until I knew what was going on...feel free to spin a yearn......if it helps!

Would anyone mind if I say a very "un-fool-like" FUCK, FUCK, FUCK??????

threads about nocturnal marital rape...flashbacks, shaking and crying.

Just can't do this tonight.

fool, are you ok? (stupid question)
Would you like to share?

Fool, you were lovely to that OP.

Please be very, very kind and nurturing with yourself. The memories will come when you're strong enough and able, not before. xx

Not more to share than great big ditto marks from the threads by threePandas and beautifulwho.

Doesn't help that NSDH is using an apparent lack of sex in our marriage (just remember how many DCs we have !!!!!) as an extra rod to beat me with (along with being mad, abusive blahdiblahdibladiblah...)

I HATE remembering stuff at the moment as I don't have a safe place to take it or time to sort it......

Hope you're ok fool

That's another one on the list for me too and I have no idea why I've never been angry about it yet my response when someone else posts about it is the same as any normal persons!

sorry Veeeee. I expect we'll be angry about it once it's processed.

fool, from the length of time you were in your relationship and the short time you have been seperated, your strength when offering advice to others is fantastic.
What you have been through is a very traumatic experience - you have to detach at the time to cope, although frightening this is part of healing - you will get through it and feel better other side xx

Hi,

Hope you don't mind me butting in - bunny - yes these threads do help. I had one on here months ago. It takes a long time to process what has been going on and get to a point where you feel able to do something about it.

Like Built for comfort I have been lurking here for 5 threads too! I feel like a bit of a stalker! I left very recently. Although I've lurked for months this is also my first post on here as I have literally not had time to sleep since I left... the practicalities and the legal nightmare. And mainly because I'm also afraid of him finding stuff on the web, so will be deliberately vague. But still, I don't have someone putting me down regarding every little thing I do. In the end it wasn't even an episode of his physical violence that made me leave, it was something he said to my daughter about dinner! I found the emotional abuse far worse than anything physical. And 2 weeks before I left I would never have thought I could have done it- but I did. You will have a breaking point too, where you will think, 'actually whatever happens, it can't be worse than this'. And life does go on. Keep reading, just knowing it's not 'you' and you're not imagining it is a lifesaver! PS thank you to all the posters who kept me going - hissy, fool, madame o, bibi etc - god it's like the oscars - except I've left far too many people out!