Had a thread last week about DH & me & his control & my sadness & how bloody small & horrible I feel.
I t gave me strength, there were so many inspiring woman there, I decided to grasp the mettle, tell him & wrestle some control back so on Thursday I told him I'd had enough - we needed to change, he dashed back from work, all ears, was conciliatory & I thought we may have a chance.
Friday we went out to supper at a friend's house, came back & I could feel then tension building, he started jabbing & picking at me, my friends hate me, I'll end up fat & bitter, no-one will want me, people just pretend to like me & on & on.
I just ignored him, he was drunk, I didn't want to engage, so he threw me across the kitchen & punched me.
Our daughter came in, I hope to God she didn't see much but fear she did - ohh fuck, fuck, I took her back upstairs & went to bed to get away.
I woke up about an hour later, being fucked, told him to get off, he didn't.
& the fucking, fucking worst thing is I had a thread in the Summer where a very similar thing happened - I was locked in a car by him & it ended in him raping me & I didn't listen to the very good advice I was given (different name - had the thread deleted) - I thought it was a one off & I could make it better.
It turns out I couldn't.
I don't even know why I'm telling you this - I can't tell anyone in RL - they all fucking love him & think he's the best thing that ever happened to me & I'm a strong, articulate & assertive woman.
Truth is, I'm a fucking horrible mess.