Fuck, fuck & shitting fuck

[justsofuckingsad]

Had a thread last week about DH & me & his control & my sadness & how bloody small & horrible I feel.

I t gave me strength, there were so many inspiring woman there, I decided to grasp the mettle, tell him & wrestle some control back so on Thursday I told him I'd had enough - we needed to change, he dashed back from work, all ears, was conciliatory & I thought we may have a chance.

Friday we went out to supper at a friend's house, came back & I could feel then tension building, he started jabbing & picking at me, my friends hate me, I'll end up fat & bitter, no-one will want me, people just pretend to like me & on & on.

I just ignored him, he was drunk, I didn't want to engage, so he threw me across the kitchen & punched me.

Our daughter came in, I hope to God she didn't see much but fear she did - ohh fuck, fuck, I took her back upstairs & went to bed to get away.

I woke up about an hour later, being fucked, told him to get off, he didn't.

& the fucking, fucking worst thing is I had a thread in the Summer where a very similar thing happened - I was locked in a car by him & it ended in him raping me & I didn't listen to the very good advice I was given (different name - had the thread deleted) - I thought it was a one off & I could make it better.

It turns out I couldn't.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this - I can't tell anyone in RL - they all fucking love him & think he's the best thing that ever happened to me & I'm a strong, articulate & assertive woman.

Truth is, I'm a fucking horrible mess.

I am fairly new and am coming out of lurkdom to show support to you OP and tell you that you are an amazing brave woman who WILL get through this. I am in wales if I can help you with anything at all. X

Please take all the wonderful and right advice given above. I am really fucking angry for you.

It is obvious from your posts that you ARE a strong character. intelligent and articulate. You will do the right thing by yourself and your children.

There are good men out there that don't rape the ones they purport to love. They don't throw them across tables. They don't punch them. He has committed many crimes of the most disgusting nature. He doesn't deserve to be happy but you and your children do.

You WILL build a new life. It is evident that you posess more than enough skills to return to work, if that's what you want to do, despite a 6 year gap.

I seriously wish you all the very best and extra strength over the coming months.

You are not alone, we are all here.
You need someone to talk in in RL. Can you make an appointment to see your GP? they may be able to point you in the right direction.
You need to start the ball rolling. Go to citizens advice, they can be very helpful.
Is your child at school? If so speak with the head teacher (not telling all the grizzly details but just a few bits, as a worried mum you are frightend what your child might have seen)
When a few people in authority know what is going on, you will begin to feel you have some RL support. Is your house yours? do you rent? have you any equity, savings etc?
You might be able to get a place at a women's refuge.
Don't worry about your friends and family, when they see that you are taking matters in to your own hands they will realise what a monster you have married.
He sounds like a classic abuser, sweetness and light on the outside, but behind clossed doors!!!! This is not the life you imagined, but you have a choice and you can change this.
Wishing you love, and will be thinking of you today.

"The only words these men understand is Police. Prison. Court".

Too true. You are not in control of this situation OP, the only boundaries he will listen to is society's and other men, personified in the above 3 words.

Nothing further to add.

I hope you sort everything out -and live the happy life that you deserve - without that man.

x

There are many many good men out there justso. Really there are.

You know you need to go don't you? This is not normal and you need to do it not just for yourself but for your kids. You can't let them grow up in a home where the man abuses their mother.

Just focus now on getting out of there and do not go back. Your kids will be fine, honestly. You may not think so atm but they will be.

just so sad reading your story.my mum actauly murdered my dad cause he drove her crazy. murdered him in front of my sister and me.find strenght in your self because u dont deserve to be treated like that.dont let him continue to destroy your life .you all deserve to be happy.dont mean to nag but he is a total bully .think of your chilldren and your self..it will be very hard cause i expect he wont let go easily.hope you have family and friends around you for surport. think it makes people like him feel better putting you down .he should be so ashamed of him self.has he got parents let them take him in.

You've had lots of good advice here. All I can add is my cyber support and echo the suggestions that you report him this morning and get support and legal help in real life.

Stay strong for yourself and your children

JSFS. It get's better, it really really does...the more distance you have the more you you become.
I hope you are amazed, as I was, how many people really like YOU...and believe you.

My children have transformed since my H left 4 months ago, they love him (unconditionally as children do) but they are still better off without him. Yours will be too.

Take all the help you can, be kind to yourself and allow others to be kind to you.

Write down what he has done, shut the book and keep it safe, when you feel like letting him back in you probably won't even need to read it...just look at the cover and you will know you are doing the right thing.

Report him to the police...you need to be protected and so do your children

You will get through this, you will survive ansd Better YOU WIll Really really live again. I promise.

Stay safe

feelingafailure how tragic Is you mother still alive?

I hope you're ok today op?

OP - if he's away for a week, you may not actually need to leave the property. Is it in joint names? If not, you need to get a solicitor to put a Matrimonial Homes Order on it.

You have 4 full working days to get in a legal position so that he cannot re-enter the house. Go to a solicitor this morning and ask them to deal with this urgently. Family law is set up so that cases like this can be dealt with urgently.

You can do the feelings thing later. Right now, just be a robot, go through the motions of getting away.

Fully agree that to do leave these abusive relationships it helps to sort of shut down our feelings for a while.

As NicknameTaken, when I left I went into survival mode. I knew what I needed to do and just did it.
The same when I initially called the police. I had told him that if he ever laid his hand on me again we would be finished. When he did hit me again (because they always do) I gave him the choice of leaving or I'd call the police. He left when I called the police.
There was this clear path in my head and I just did it.

It was later when I started thinking and he begged to be let in again that the feelings messed it all up again. The pity for him and the guilt.
Only when he threatened our lives, a couple of days later, I knew there was no coming back and no mercy.

You have to forget shame, pity, (misplaced) love, even fear.
In your heart you know what you must do for yourself and your children. They are the ones that need you and your love.
Just do it.

And, please, avoid the mistakes we have all done.

You will definitely come out the other side of this but the longer you stay quiet in real life the more you're protecting him. Over and above how immoral his behaviour is it's also criminal. If I were you I'd pack a bag and go somewhere safe or change the locks. You're not going to be able to prevent your children finding out and you don't want to get to a stage where he starts to draw them into the conspiracy of silence and perceived normality. This is abuse. Period. Be strong, you can do it.

Sending you love and strength - you CAN get through this and out the other side.
Focus on the thought of a life without fear, pain, humiliation. Imagine a huge weight lifting. Imagine being relaxed and happy in your home. You and your children deserve that life.

please speak to professionals: ~Gp, police DV unit, womens aid etc - the more you tell your story and get propoer support the more strength you will get to leave.

any further incident however small call 999 straightaway - and teach your dd to call 999 too.

I echo what has been said already. You poor darling.

I also agree with the robot thing. That is what I did too. I detached myself and went through the motions, knowing what I had to do, and I out myself in the hands of the system, which looked after me, and my dc's. I went to my GP first, they were very gentle and kind, and gave me mugs of tea, and took care of everything for me.

Seven months on, my children have blossomed, in a way I can't quite believe! THAT is itself, seeing that transformation, justifies going through what you must go through now.

The more you hear the effect on the children, the more you may believe it...it's true, once they are gone, the children transform! My dc's still love their dad, of course they do, but now they stand a chance of having enough emotional stability in their own home, to grow and blossom!

Be as brave as you are...for you, for your babies!

BTW, I have just noticed that it was a year ago today that I took the step of calling the police and told him that we were finished as a couple.

Still feels it was the right thing to do.

I hope it can be used as inspiration for you to do the same. :)

Happy first anniversary of freedom, Lueji!

Thanks. :)

With a double dose for just for courage and strength.

I hope you are out dealing with the police and solicitor.

I really hope you get away from this animal HE CERTAINLY IS A BAD MAN he is a rapist and a woman beater and i wouldn't ever ever have a good word to say about anybody like that and he shouldn't be around the children. What if he does something to them? What i he rapes someone else? Im sorry this thread had me in floods of tears

Thanks all so much, really, you don't know how much your words mean to me.

I've been trying to call Women's Aid but can't get through - I'll keep trying.

I know I need to get out but have no idea where to go - I don't have any family near-by, don't drive (learning though) & live very rurally, not too much money in the bank at the moment.

We rent so not much I can do there.

I know I'm doing the right thing but I just feel like & kicking the walls down bit by bit & I'm going to be left standing in the rubble wondering what the fuck happened.

Like I'm

Do keep ringing WA, don't get discouraged: the lines can be quite busy.

I know I need to get out but have no idea where to go
Ask WA about helping you get a place in a refuge.

You're doing so well.

I need to get some sleep, I'm a mess & need to be present for my children.

But thank you, thank you all so much.