Fuck, fuck & shitting fuck

[justsofuckingsad]

Had a thread last week about DH & me & his control & my sadness & how bloody small & horrible I feel.

I t gave me strength, there were so many inspiring woman there, I decided to grasp the mettle, tell him & wrestle some control back so on Thursday I told him I'd had enough - we needed to change, he dashed back from work, all ears, was conciliatory & I thought we may have a chance.

Friday we went out to supper at a friend's house, came back & I could feel then tension building, he started jabbing & picking at me, my friends hate me, I'll end up fat & bitter, no-one will want me, people just pretend to like me & on & on.

I just ignored him, he was drunk, I didn't want to engage, so he threw me across the kitchen & punched me.

Our daughter came in, I hope to God she didn't see much but fear she did - ohh fuck, fuck, I took her back upstairs & went to bed to get away.

I woke up about an hour later, being fucked, told him to get off, he didn't.

& the fucking, fucking worst thing is I had a thread in the Summer where a very similar thing happened - I was locked in a car by him & it ended in him raping me & I didn't listen to the very good advice I was given (different name - had the thread deleted) - I thought it was a one off & I could make it better.

It turns out I couldn't.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this - I can't tell anyone in RL - they all fucking love him & think he's the best thing that ever happened to me & I'm a strong, articulate & assertive woman.

Truth is, I'm a fucking horrible mess.

The others are right. Nothing to add except I'm Very Fucking Angry for you

I wish I was Superwoman and could just fly down and scoop you and your dd up and and get you both far far away from this despicable excuse for a man.

But thank you all, really - I knew you would give me strength - thank you - I am going, that's the thing that makes me so sad even though it makes no sense.

I don't want him to hurt, he's not a bad man - just more damaged than I can fix.

I can only save my own life.

your children will be better off not living with someone who beats up and rapes their mum, even if you think they adore him on some level they will know what he is doing. You have to leave for their sake as well as yours. Please find the strength, I know it is really hard. He WILL NOT CHANGE.

What an animal. Get your DC away from his poisonous personality. You shouldn't have to 'deal' with a life like this. It's sink or swim, and you need to swim. Swim hard and fast, the worst has to be over please god, so now you need to get into survival mode. Use your energy to plan your escape from this creep.

Please please leave this arse of a man.
You and your dc deserve so much better.
Stay safe xx

Just - you are clearly still dealing with the shock of what has happened. Be very kind to yourself and just concentrate on the basics for the next day or two.

I think, as soon as you feel able, you must contact police DV unit and advise them of what has happened so that they will respond fast should things escalate when he returns.

WA will help you formuate a plan to stay safe and get out/get rid of him.

justs - he IS a bad man. He rapes. Look in from the outside for a minute - what would you think of anyone else you'd heard of doing this to their wife?

And your children? I doubt they adore him as much as you think. They hear the rows, they feel the tension. Living without all that will be great for them. They'll gain far more than they lose. He's not exactly a great role model, is he?

I'm so sorry you've been put through this.

FWIW, if my mum, my best friend, my sil told me what you've said here - even though I love my dad, my friend's dh, my brother and can't imagine them ever hurting anyone - I would believe them, without a shadow of a doubt or a second's hesitation.

I think it's really important that you feel you can tell people about this in rl, and hopefully eventually the police.

Am speaking to my friend at the moment - she is wise

I don't want him to hurt, he's not a bad man - just more damaged than I can fix.

I doubt he hurts, and OMG he is a bad man. Please don't waste your energy on worrying about him, he obviously has the front to survive otherwise the outside world would have seen through him. He doesn't care about you one jot only cares about himself. It is not your job to fix him, that's his role. Please plan your escape and keep him away.

Oh god. So sorry to hear that you have been through all of this. You have all this week to get yourself the help you need to get rid of this animal, tell your friend when you speak to her (you don't have to discuss every detail straight aay if you feel unable to) and ring woman's aid tommorrow. They will help to give you the strength and support you need.

You also have loads of supporters on here too. x

Call the police - if for nobody else, at least to show your daughter this is not right and you don't just accept it. Domestic violence, spousal abuse - that's crossing the line, the marriage/relationship cannot be salvaged after this. He needs to be charged with assault, and you need a good lawyer who can help you and your daughter get the financial support you both deserve. Find out if you are entitled to legal aid, the criteria/calculator is available online (it's something like £8000 max in assets/savings).

a man who rapes his wife is such a bad man, i don't even know where to begin. i know you love him, but you only think he's good because he has made you feel so worthless for so long, you don't realise how his behaviour is just utterly monstrous and unforgivable and EVIL

he has disqualified himself from any sympathy by raping and beating another human being. a woman who trusts him, a person he made vows to protect.

Please confide in your wise friend. He doesn't deserve your loyalty. And listen to Mn, get out and stay out. Report him. I don't think you'll do the latter though as you seem to feel some pity for this monster?

oh pet. I don't want him to hurt, he's not a bad man - just more damaged than I can fix.

He IS a bad bad bad man. You need to get out. For you and your DD.

Serial killers are also damaged men, in that sense.

Seriously, you need to report him to the police and tell everyone you know.
Chances are he is not that liked.
Report all the assaults and the rapes.
Did the punch leave marks? Get to a hospital or get the bruises recorded.

Do not be in the same house or alone with him anymore, or let your children be. He assaulted you in front of her.
Change the locks (I know you shouldn't legally, but you must keep safe, just in case) or move out if necessary.

Oh, he's probably not suffering any remorse. Just pretending to so that you don't leave.

Get legal advice asap.

Finally, the children love him, yes, but they will understand why you must be separated, particularly if your DD witnessed his behaviour.
Do not tell them everything, obviously, but they must know why.

I have told DS and he witnessed some of the assaults, unfortunately. He still loves his dad, but he understands why we must be away from him. The official story is that dad is sick and must get better.
He is a happy boy and has actually grown more confident.
Your children deserve to live in a happy home. Remember that.

Do what you feel is right for you in terms of reporting it . If he is likeley to admit it , i would consider discreetly recording him making such an admission . I had a similar experience and although i never persued it i felt much more in control knowing i would have evidence if i decided to in the future .

Please get away from him , your dd is at risk as much as you are .

He is not the pitifull damaged person you perceive him to be , he is a dangerous man who is possibly a narcissist or has some other serious disorder leaving him void of conscience or empathy . You would not willingly have your dd around a rapist , yet thats exactly what he is .

I second what SGB wrote, the mask will have slipped and there will be people who have a sense of what he is, even if they have not seen the full truth.

He is bad, he is a violent rapist.

Rape in marriage is illegal, the law is on your side, even it is tremendously hard to prove. You need to make these reports so that your DC can be protected when it comes to contact after separation.

I am sorry but you need to give up your denial to protect yourself and your DC from this day onwards.

I told my friend everything - it feels better - bad but better - she knows people who work for Women's Aid - she'll help me - I do have many good friends in RL - she told me to tell them what I like - tell the truth.

My nostrils are stretched from trying not to cry.

Ridiculous thought.

I DON'T CRY - I AM FUCKING TOGETHER - I don't do shit like this.

It's not in my mental map.

& Lueji & everyone else thank you.

I'm 38, two children, haven't worked for six years - I can have a life again can't I?

We're so together to the outside world - my father loves the man.

Agree with Euro and Sgb , people will have picked up on the fact that somethings not right , people were not surprised when i spoke up . This is a lot more common than you think .

Right - I have to pull myself together & fucking sort this bastard of a situation out.

Of course I can have a fucking life.

Sorry - am just all over the place at the moment.

& lacking in the articulacy I purport to possess.

Hi,

Just wanted to say of course you can have a life after this. It's not your fault and although it feels sad to have your life turned upside down, in the long run you will be happier and find a man who deserves you.

You can definitely get your life back.
It will be difficult in the beginning. Prepare yourself for even worse behaviour on his part.
But it will get better. In fact, any crap he can come up with after you leave can't be worse than what you are already living or will if you continue with him.

It is ok to cry, BTW. :-)
It can be healing.

People were a bit surprised in my case, but everyone believed me. However, my brother had previously told a family member he suspected ex would become violent.

your friend sounds lovely.
you poor thing. i'm so sorry for what this man has put you through.

you will have a life of peace and joy soon, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. eventually you'll come out the other side.

Just horrendous OP.

I empathasise, sympathise and understand completely the fear that you will in being the one forced to now turn your whole life upside down and that of your children and the result being you will no longer be a normal 2 x 2 family. It is daunting, scary and I have no doubt your H will not make it easy for you.

But somehow you must do it.

I am nearly a year on. It's been tough but less tough than being assaulted and raped. Of that I can assure you. And my dc's? I have felt enormous guilt that they no longer appear in society's normal category. But they are better. Even their teachers have commented. Until you are out is it hard to see what an effect a toxic abusive disrepectful atmosphere has on them. We are all a bit stronger, but with some way still to go.

Stay strong, but not too strong