Fuck, fuck & shitting fuck

[justsofuckingsad]

Had a thread last week about DH & me & his control & my sadness & how bloody small & horrible I feel.

I t gave me strength, there were so many inspiring woman there, I decided to grasp the mettle, tell him & wrestle some control back so on Thursday I told him I'd had enough - we needed to change, he dashed back from work, all ears, was conciliatory & I thought we may have a chance.

Friday we went out to supper at a friend's house, came back & I could feel then tension building, he started jabbing & picking at me, my friends hate me, I'll end up fat & bitter, no-one will want me, people just pretend to like me & on & on.

I just ignored him, he was drunk, I didn't want to engage, so he threw me across the kitchen & punched me.

Our daughter came in, I hope to God she didn't see much but fear she did - ohh fuck, fuck, I took her back upstairs & went to bed to get away.

I woke up about an hour later, being fucked, told him to get off, he didn't.

& the fucking, fucking worst thing is I had a thread in the Summer where a very similar thing happened - I was locked in a car by him & it ended in him raping me & I didn't listen to the very good advice I was given (different name - had the thread deleted) - I thought it was a one off & I could make it better.

It turns out I couldn't.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this - I can't tell anyone in RL - they all fucking love him & think he's the best thing that ever happened to me & I'm a strong, articulate & assertive woman.

Truth is, I'm a fucking horrible mess.

Well done . That is great news. I hope they will be in touch soon. Don't be afraid to tell them everything.

You might like to follow up with an e-mail.

When your friend comes over, could you ask her to look after the DCs while you go to the A&E or to an OOH doctor or to your GP if there are evening hours?

I am so sorry for you, I really am. I hope you get the help you need to get out. I think you'll do yourself and your family a world of good by recovering from this ordeal and taking charge of your own life.

Glad your friend is supporting you, friend's like that are priceless.

Glad your safe
I have been thinking about you today
X

Same here butterfly ive not stopped thinking about op all day

Theone - I can't believe what dome women go through
The relationship board has really opened my eyes up to so much horrid stuff

I really wish I could practically help the op.

Nobody deserves to go though that...

If you don't want to involve the police but want protection from abuse you could go the civil route and apply for an occupation order and a non molestation order. These would keep him out of the house and away from you. You can apply for them without a solicitor if you can't afford one or don't qualify for legal aid.

link here to my experience of refuge if its something you want to consider.

sending you strength and support.

I have had a very lucky life and cannot begin to understand how you have come to be married to this charmer and how this horrible situation has evolved. What I would say is that this man is a rapist and needs reporting to the police. I don't understand what his income has got to do with it. I think you said that your children needed the finacial security, actually they need physical and emotional security and their Mum. Report him for your own sake and for the sake of other women. I'm so sorry for you and your family.

Can you stay with your friend? I wouldn't want to spend another night under the same roof as him.

Lots of strength to you today.

Hi OP

Nothing to add really that hasn't already been said, just wanted to show support as I'd been thinking about you all day yesterday.

I told my DH about your situation and he was as disgusted as I am. No one should have to go through what you've had to go through.

I hope you find the strength to get the hell away from this horrible man, you deserve better, your children deserve better.

I'm so sorry for what's happened justso

I hope you will be able to leave soon and safely. Your friend sounds like she's able to give you some good support. Agree with bringback that I'd be wanting to leave (or him to) as soon as possible/ today.

All the best to you. You sound very strong - and incidently you do sound like a very bright & articulate woman. I hope that will help you in the coming days, weeks and months as you begin to move on from this horrible situation/ man.

Please , can we stop with the insistance that the Op reports him to the police , shes already said she doesnt want to do that , and her choice should be respected .

diggs i think its only natural people want him reported he is a rapist and may do it to someone else or may have already. Its not all about op being raped and pressuring her into reporting him i dont think they wish to upset op but i do think people are thinking of other women that could be raped by this dirty horrible piece of scum

Exactly

Maybe he did it to others who did not report. And if they had OP would perhaps not be in this situation

OMG this is horrible to read. I hope you find a way out and don't feel guilty about separating him from the kids.

If you've been attacked, it is very very hard to report it. I know it might stop it happening again but it takes a mammoth amount of strength to not be fearful for yourself and your family. OP will hopefully get some good advice and support from her friend.

Nobody is insisting that she reports him to the police. I actually scanned the last several posts.

It is an option, though, and, given how he behaves, it is highly recommended.

It's not only other women who are at risk but the children too, IMO. These men abuse the vulnerable people in their lives and use the children to punish the ex wife.

But also for her own protection.
Not sure if non-molestation orders can be issued without some form of criminal reporting.
www.esteemmen.co.uk/images/Non-Molestation%20Orders.pdf
"However non-molestation orders can sometimes be harder to get without actual violence as the courts will often want some kind of evidence that your abuser has been abusive towards you."

www.alternativefamilylaw.co.uk/en/cohabitation/domestic-violence.htm

The fact is that you should report it asap because all signs of violence will disappear soon. Then you have nothing, unless he attacks you again.

Its not the Ops responsibility to prevent other women being raped , should he rape someone else she will not be responsible for that , he will . Women are not responsible for other women being raped and the Op has enough to cope with at the moment .

Having had a similar experience to the Op i found it hard to speak up about it . When i did speak up i found peoples insistance that i report it very difficult to deal with and it only served to make me feel even more inadequate and out of control . In fact it caused me to feel even more ashamed than i already did .

Women who have been assaulted by a partner experience more trauma than those assaulted by a stranger . The Op is likeley to be in deep shock and operating in survival mode . Not many women report a rape immediateley as it happens .

Please , lets stick to offering the Op the support she so desperateley needs instead of pressurizing her into doing something she doesnt want to do .

if OP doesnt want to report (and that is her choice i agree) she should talk to rape crisis.
im a police officer and i have done some seminars with them, i think it would help to speak with an organisation who understands the issues.

i hope you are ok OP.

Nobody said that she HAS to report it.
Just pointing out that it is best to.

Do you suggest, Diggs, that it's not mentioned at all? That is bad advice.

I understand your concerns. But the point of having other people's advice is just that. A cold hard look at the situation when we can't do it ourselves.
Why not operate in survival mode and do exactly what other people are suggesting that we do?

It is unfortunate that many women wait to report rape, as evidence disappears, as I mentioned.

However, the OP doesn't have to report the rape. The punch should be enough to report DV, but bruises also disappear.

I think the thing is to get it logged with the GP and maybe just speak to the police on the non-urgent phone number?

OP, I am another one giving you my support. What you have gone through is absolutely horrendous my love - I have no words. I am so fucking angry on your behalf. I cannot wait for you to post on here in a few months telling us how free you feel and how your beloved children have blossomed without this dangerous, abusive pig in all of your lives.

No Leuji , i dont suggest it doesnt get mentioned at all .

What i suggest is that when the Op stated that she doesnt wish to report it that should be respected . The Op has come here for emotional support , not legal advice .

Sorry, Diggs, but I think you are projecting and putting words in the OP's mouth.

Apologies to Just if she feels she is being pressured into doing something she doesn't want to.
However, I think it is useful to point out the benefits of reporting to the police, as it is of leaving, for example, or any other action.

Projecting and putting words in the Ops mouth ? What words exactly Luiji , can you explain further ?

I said that i found pressure to report difficult , that it made me feel inadequate and even more ashamed .

I didn't feel that Diggs was projecting, Lueji. I felt she was speaking from her experience and saying something valubale.

Come on let's not have a fight on this thread.