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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck, fuck & shitting fuck

230 replies

justsofuckingsad · 05/03/2012 23:11

Had a thread last week about DH & me & his control & my sadness & how bloody small & horrible I feel.

I t gave me strength, there were so many inspiring woman there, I decided to grasp the mettle, tell him & wrestle some control back so on Thursday I told him I'd had enough - we needed to change, he dashed back from work, all ears, was conciliatory & I thought we may have a chance.

Friday we went out to supper at a friend's house, came back & I could feel then tension building, he started jabbing & picking at me, my friends hate me, I'll end up fat & bitter, no-one will want me, people just pretend to like me & on & on.

I just ignored him, he was drunk, I didn't want to engage, so he threw me across the kitchen & punched me.

Our daughter came in, I hope to God she didn't see much but fear she did - ohh fuck, fuck, I took her back upstairs & went to bed to get away.

I woke up about an hour later, being fucked, told him to get off, he didn't.

& the fucking, fucking worst thing is I had a thread in the Summer where a very similar thing happened - I was locked in a car by him & it ended in him raping me & I didn't listen to the very good advice I was given (different name - had the thread deleted) - I thought it was a one off & I could make it better.

It turns out I couldn't.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this - I can't tell anyone in RL - they all fucking love him & think he's the best thing that ever happened to me & I'm a strong, articulate & assertive woman.

Truth is, I'm a fucking horrible mess.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 06/03/2012 12:24

You are incredibly strong.

pacifist · 06/03/2012 12:26

I want to add in my good wishes and warmest hugs for you. I utterly understand your reluctance to report if the repurcussions could include your "D"H losing his job which is the family's whole income (you say you have not worked for some years), and which also provides your "D"H with an incentive to keep his behaviour in check a little whilst he still has something to lose BUT how you are living now is no way to go on and you need to go through that crisis to come out the other side, I fear. It can't be easy. Can you at least get your injuries documented and treated (without police involvement) and then have evidence if you ever need it in the future? Babysteps. If you are feeling brave enough to face the courts, then get an injunction to keep your DH away from your home whilst you sort yourself out. If you are pretty sure that is happening, then can you take money out of your joint account to secrete somewhere in your own name to give you a buffer? Is moving back to your parents an option short term?

Have you got enough money to take a bus/taxi to the doctor/ police station/ lawyers? It would be money well spent.

Anyway, WA will give you the best advice of all. Take care of yourself and your DC for now. xx

Lueji · 06/03/2012 12:31

If you ring the police non-emergency number they will advise you too regarding making a complaint and will probably go to your home.

If you are renting, then it's even easier to leave.

Sort out your finances. Do you have a joint account?
If your OH is a good earner and you don't have much in the bank, he is controlling you financially as well. I'd try and get hold of any data regarding his finances, bank accounts, etc.

Try to find a solicitor in the meantime. Some have experience of DV.
Ask friends for references.

TeeBee · 06/03/2012 12:48

OP, I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. You really need to get him out of your life. I am so concerned for your DD. If she saw what happened to you and you have carried on as normal, she will think that is acceptable behaviour for men in her life. She really needs to be shown now what a sensible, strong woman does in the face of behaviour like that. She has to know that no-one, particularly those close to us, cannot get away with treating anyone like that. She really needs this example right now, before she normalises it. Please, please get the help you need and get out of there. For your sake, and your children's future. You are the only person who can turn this around.

Bucharest · 06/03/2012 13:17

Sending strength as well.

Keep moving forward OP, you can get through this. x

HotBurrito1 · 06/03/2012 13:47

I read your other thread and am shocked at what has happened. Sending you all best wishes and support for now and the challenges ahead. You do not sound like a mess. Actually you sound like an incredibly together woman, despite what he has put you through x

henrysmama2012 · 06/03/2012 13:50

I'd report him so he has a criminal record, or is at least charged; because firstly, I don't think he is necessarily safe around your kids or any other woman (if he did this to you, he is capable of doing it to your child/children), and a history of this type of behaviour on his record would warn others. You sound very strong and I'm so sorry you are having to cope with such a tough situation.

ninjasquirrel · 06/03/2012 14:08

I feel words are inadequate, but you know there are so many of us out here thinking of you.
If you can't get through to Women's Aid by this evening or get to your GP you could try the Rape Crisis helpline - it's open from 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm.

ninjasquirrel · 06/03/2012 14:09

0808 802 9999

something2say · 06/03/2012 14:17

Justsosad, ring the police non-emergency line, maybe later on tonight, when the work with the kids into bed has been done. There will be someone there who can advise you.

Just for now tho.....altho I am not sure where he has gone to....
If he comes home - disengage as much as possible. Get in the bath, get into bed, go in a different room etc. Know that if anything happens, you will ring the police there and then. Please definitely ring the police of he comes at you.

If he is not there, see if you can manage to get some advice on how to split up from him. If you rent in his name or yours or joint, there is an order whereby you can have a court ask him to leave the property while the solution is found. If you have a child, the court may find in your favour to do that, with maybe an injunction in place for him, with a power of arrest, preventing him from contacting you in any way. Which if he breaches, you must report, as this shows that he has less respect than we thought.

Are you considering making a police report? That would be a good idea for many reasons. Firstly, you may need help as you live through this incident and try to cope with it. Do you need medical attention? There are many professional men who hide behind their credentials or money or power and position. This makes them none the less capable of being abusive. It is important to report for your safety, and because a wrong happened and you deserve society to stand up for you at this time, as you would for others another time. The ramifications of what he did are not for you to consider. He punched you across the room. This is dangerous behaviour, what if you had hit your head?

But I think for now maybe just work out what you want to do next. I want you to know that you will be OK financially though. There is a thing called the community legal advice helpline which is great. Well done for now though, you are doing really well x

fabwoman · 06/03/2012 14:23

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your H. They don't have to live with him!

He has assaulted you physically, hurt you emotionally and raped you at least twice.

Lovie, you deserve better.

ThatVikRinA22 · 06/03/2012 14:29

hello again OP

i remember your original thread im afraid to say - i am so sorry that this has happened again but i am glad that you are now in a place where you feel you can seek support and remove this complete bastard from your life.

if i can help in any way - let me know. im not sure if you remember what i said on your original thread.

womens aid and rape crisis are often brilliant. why not just make a start with them, and im glad that yoru friend in supporting you once again.

im very sorry. i often wondered what happened to you and how you were doing.
the police would be supportive if you wanted to go down that route, did you ever go to the hospital after last time?

fabwoman · 06/03/2012 14:31

Your dad won't like him once he knows what this man has done to you.

You must go to the hospital and get checked out. You don't have to say what has gone on if you don't want too.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2012 14:45

You must report what has happened, as soon as possible, preferably today.

Keep on trying Women's Aid. Their call volume is high unfortunately. Leave a message if that is your only option.

Rape Crisis Line 0808 802 99 99

Police non-emergency. Or police emergency.

Your GP.

Your local A&E department.

You have options. Please choose one. Could you call the friend you spoke with and have her go with you to the doctor's or to the hosp? Or take care of the DCs while you go?

something2say · 06/03/2012 15:04

Also send an email in to any of the inboxes on the WA or Refuge websites. It will be passed on as a woman in crisis and a call made asap even after hours x

amdowntoearth · 06/03/2012 16:30

The kids adore him but you need to protect urself and the kids from him in future they will understand. I know how you feel is terrible .

WittyTitle · 06/03/2012 16:34

If you walk into a police station right now with your children they will set the wheels in motion so you he never lays a finger on you again, they can find you emergency accommodation and funds and a social worker who will support you every step of the way...but you need to make the first step.

fabwoman · 06/03/2012 16:47

Your children won't adore you when they find out what he has done to their mum.

Crocodilio · 06/03/2012 16:55

Typo on Fabwoman's post above, I'm sure. Good luck, OP, wishing you strength.

fabwoman · 06/03/2012 17:22

Fuck, sorry, won't adore him.

Thank you Crocodilio Blush.

foxymoron · 06/03/2012 17:36

Gate crashing, sorry I haven't read all the posts on this thread but I'm so shocked at what this man (animal?) has done to you. PLEASE get out. He could end up killing you if you stay with him. He sounds very dangerous and highly unpredictable.

lazarusb · 06/03/2012 17:44

OP - if you can't get through to WA, could you ring the Samaritans just for someone to talk to? Maybe not so specialised but there to hold your hand and help when you need it.
You have been through Hell (I remember your other thread). This man is horrific and not worth your concern. Try and look after yourself and your dcs, take him out of your 'coping' equation for now.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2012 18:02

Samaritans 24 hour number 08457 90 90 90

I agree with Foxy that this man is extremely dangerous and could end up killing you.

Please pick up the phone and try WA again, or the other people who are there to help you. Have courage, and have faith in the goodness of other people.

cakeismysaviour · 06/03/2012 18:12

Keep trying Woman's Aid, leave a message if you can't get through and tell them its urgent and they will ring you back. Police non-emergency number would also be a good idea, nobody will be anything other than kind, understanding and helpful.

Thinking of you still, OP.

Original poster
justsofuckingsad · 06/03/2012 18:16

Hello all, I kept trying Woman's Aid & have left a message, hopefully they'll call me back tomorrow, my friend is coming over later & staying with me tonight, she's a mine of wise & practical advice so I'm sure she'll help me find a way out of this.

Have been reading Lundy Bancroft this afternoon (bought it after the incident in Summer but never read it), wish I had now, it's all there, it was amazing how much of it immediately struck a chord.

Anyway, thanks again, don't worry I'm safe for the moment & have support.

OP posts: