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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
EasyToEatTiger · 27/02/2012 09:59

YOu poor thing. What a really really awful shock. Sorry to be really base here, but if he's been shagging your SIL, he needs to get checked out for STDs unless he's been using a condom. Ask him. You've already heard what went on, and read all about it. They were sober enough to text, weren't they?
I hope you are ok. HOpe for the best but prepare for the worst. Have you seen your brother yet?

foolonthehill · 27/02/2012 10:00

OH Sad Sad for you

You have to confront him don't you? Oh boy...and it's your brother not some random other person's life that "D"P is wrecking.

I am so, so , so sorry.

life is about to get very tough, but you can't unlearn what you know, so I guess you have to force the issue with him.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 10:03
Sad

He is shitting on both you and your brother. What a horrible situation. You need to show your brother these texts.

To be honest, I think I would go to your brother first, in this situation.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 10:05

Any children?

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 10:09

I know, if it was some random girl on a night out or something it would be easier, but I can't ignore it, he's friends with my brother too, he's due to go on his stag do :(

My brother will be devestated, they've really fucked things up good and proper, our wedding is booked abroad, people have booked holidays, oh I feel sick, should I talk to my brother first???

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 27/02/2012 10:11

Maybe yes,
usually i would say discuss with your "D"P first and leave the others to sort out their own mess...but it's all too close for that and you and DB will be a strong united front and will be able to ehlp each other.

Are they still in your house?

kodachrome · 27/02/2012 10:13

Oh dear. If you can, forward the texts to your own phone, so you have a record, so that he (and you) can't talk yourself out of believing it.

Take a bit of time to yourself - get away from him for a day or so, if you can, to get your head together.

You should probably throw him out, but I don't suppose you're feeling up to it right now. I'm so sorry.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 10:14

It is going to be a nightmare, cancelling your wedding because your fiance had an affair with your sister in law. Awful

The sooner you do it the better, of course. People need to cancel their holidays.

Maybe you can suggest they invoice your fiance and your sil any expenses they cant recuperate. Angry

thebighouse · 27/02/2012 10:15

So sorry - this happened to a friend of mine. I think it is probably not uncommon. They obviously have very strong feelings for each other and a mixture of that and a sexual relationships means everything is irreparable.

I agree with the others, your life is about to fall apart but you and your brother can support each other.

rubyrubyruby · 27/02/2012 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janelikesjam · 27/02/2012 10:18

Fucking hell Sad. No wonder you are in shock. Take it easy, take it slow. Don't worry about "wedding issues" now you can sort that out later. Find yourself some space to deal with this. Their behaviour says realms about them and its nothing to do with you. Be glad you found out before rather than after you "exchanged vows".

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 10:21

No, no children involved, this doesn't seem real

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 10:25

I can't forward the messages now, I'm in work now and he's at home and his phone is with him, I've been awake since 5.30am when I read them

how could he do this to me?

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 27/02/2012 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 10:31

No, foolonthehill, DB and sis in law went home yesterday afternoon, my poor brother was even helping my fiance do some fucking diy in the morning, fucking fucking arseholes

What if he's now deleted the texts and denies it??? I should've thrown his phone right at him when I read it but it didn't seem real, I couldn't take it all in and figure out how to react all at the same time

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 10:32

I could call my brother, I don't know what to say, I can't call him when he's at work, or should I? My brain isn't working properly

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 10:34

Can you go and see your brother after work?

You dont really need proof. You know what you have seen. Just end your relationship.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 10:35

You need to talk to him. When does he normally leave work?

travellingwilbury · 27/02/2012 10:36

That is a mess , I am so sorry , please try not to even think about all the wedding stuff and how much hassle it is going to be for everyone else .

This is their doing , you and your brother have done nothing wrong .

Any hassle is caused by them being idiots .

I doubt he has even deleted his texts , but I agree about trying to forward them to yourself , if for no other reason than you will have something concrete to show your brother . Do you have to stay at work today ? It must be awful for you to have to nod and smile your way through work .

CuttedUpPear · 27/02/2012 10:36

Maybe text your brother and tell him that you need to talk to him after work, could you two get an hour together?

rubyrubyruby · 27/02/2012 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Byeckerslike · 27/02/2012 10:37

Does you brother live near you, im assuming by you saying they have gone home, you mean they have gone far?

Could you arrange to meet him? If not, yes, i would ring him when you know he isnt with her, if that means at work, im afraid i would do that.

Im so sorry for you op, this is horrific.

Wrt him deleting and denying, you know what you saw, so there is no doubt :(

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 10:37

Call your brother... ask him to check his wifes phone. :(

juneau · 27/02/2012 10:39

Don't call your brother and tell him at work. If you do call him, tell him you need to speak to him urgently and on his own. Tell him face to face. This is going to horrible for him too.

FaithHopeAndKevin · 27/02/2012 10:39

I wouldn't talk to your brother until you've decided what you want to do.

He might know already. He might not know but be prepared to forgive his wife. You might stay with DP but him not stay with his DW. What I'm trying to say is how he feels and what he does is independent of you and not your responsibility or your decision.

So - do you see a future with your DP?

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