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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
TheSinglePringle · 27/02/2012 11:12

Sorry to hear this has happened. If I were you I'd go confront him now. If he's asleep you will be able to get his phone and forward the texts before anything is said

HomemadeCakes · 27/02/2012 11:17

Oh goodness this is awful for you.

I would imagine that something has already triggered in his mind if you asked him when he came to bed "Is there something you want to tell me?", his guilty conscience will be working overtime and he may well have worked it out by now as he'll know that he left the phone upstairs with you.

Even if he's not sure, he may well have text your SIL to say that you may be suspicious about something so they will be both be on their guard.

Please bear in mind that they are both as bad as each other in this, they have both done this to your and your DBro. Your loyalty needs to be to your DBro now, I would speak to him first, face to face.

So sorry this is happening to you.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 11:18

squeaky, that's a good idea, thankyou

OP posts:
JosieRosie · 27/02/2012 11:20

So so sorry OP Sad

I agree with others about getting proof. I know you know what you have seen, but your brother will be so devastated by this that he may go into 'denial' mode. Go home and get your partner's phone. Keep posting - lots of support for you on here Smile

Gumby · 27/02/2012 11:21
Sad

it's the exact same scenario as the Giggs brothers, except they had kids involved Sad your poor brother, I hope he believes you straight away and doesn'r want proof

rubyrubyruby · 27/02/2012 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 11:27

Taxi ordered, I'm going home, thanks all

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 11:28

not quite the same scenario.... the wife is not screwing her husband's brother, she is screwing her SIL's partner..

minceorotherwise · 27/02/2012 11:29

Good luck Sarsparillla

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 11:30

Doesnt seem right to say good luck or hope it goes well for you OP, but I hope it gets sorted and you will get through it. This is going to be horrible, but you will come out the other side of it.

Ahhhtetley · 27/02/2012 11:36

I agree squeakytoy and just want to say i'm thinking of you OP.

Having been in a similar position a few years ago, sometimes it's better for you to have rock solid proof to get things out in the open otherwise it comes down to 'your word against them' and it always leaves you asking questions - as hard as it might be to read those texts, if they are still there either photograph them or forward them.

Then decide what to do next. If you are absolutely sure go, then your brother needs to know, but remember, you do what YOU need to do and not what your DH wants or your brother wants.

charlearose · 27/02/2012 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violetwellies · 27/02/2012 11:45

Forward to your brothers phone?

charlearose · 27/02/2012 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

droves · 27/02/2012 11:46

Sad . Im sorry this has happened to you , and your brother.

But at least you found out his true nature before you had married him.

Its easier to get rid of a cheating fiance than a cheating husband.

I agree you should get the phone , or at least a photo of the txt.

Sad
GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 27/02/2012 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McCrappy · 27/02/2012 11:54

Agree that you need solid proof. Hide his phone, turn it on silent so he can't trace it and get everything you need before talking to your brother and confronting P and SIL. They will deny it.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 27/02/2012 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSinglePringle · 27/02/2012 12:00

Vivian has a good point. Just look after yourself and and your brother. You two are the only ones that matter

PeppermintPasty · 27/02/2012 12:03

Yes, f**k 'em, take care of yourself chicken.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 12:17

A photo is always best. That can be uploaded off the phone to a safer place. Forwarded messages dont always show who the original sender was, and if anyone manages to get hold of the phone they were forwarded to, they can just delete them. Much harder to delete a photo that has been privately saved in an email or onto a web based photo hosting site.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 12:49

Damn damn damn, got home and he was already up and about and couldn't see his phone anywhere, I thought he was going to work at 3pm but now he's said he's working 2pm - 10pm, I don't even know if that's true now tbh

So I have no proof, and now he's gone to work, I just said I was feeling crap so came home, oh fuck fuck fuck, I might just have to call my brother

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 12:51

Look for other evidence in the house. Look for his phone, or another phone. And call your brother. Sad

PeppermintPasty · 27/02/2012 12:54

I would call your DB, this is all going to come out sooner or later, and if I were in his shoes I'd want my sis to tell me if she knew something like this. This is more than mere suspicion after all, isn't it?

Ahhhtetley · 27/02/2012 13:00

Does he have a laptop or computer? If so, might be worth looking at his email etc.

Chances are, if they've been talking via text, they'll also have used email.

Sorry your having to deal with this :(