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Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 13:03

facebook probably hides quite a lot of secrets if they are friends on there... can you get into his FB account?

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 13:08

She doesn't use facebook and I'm on the laptop we both use but I don't know passwords to get into his email

OP posts:
TeamEdward · 27/02/2012 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubyrubyruby · 27/02/2012 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRhubarb · 27/02/2012 13:13

You don't need evidence.

I would call him up at work and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that the wedding is off, that you know everything and will pack his bags for him.

If he chooses to then come home you can tell him that you read everything on his phone and the wedding is most definitely off and he can move out today. (Hoping the place is yours)

As to your brother, well he may well have the very same suspicions as you. After all, he must have known they were both down there too. He may be in complete denial about the whole thing and then it really doesn't matter if you have evidence or not, he may just not want to see it. I would explain to family and friends that the wedding is off because of his cheating. It's then up to your brother to put 2 and 2 together. I'm sure your brother would believe you if you are taking such measures as throwing your fiance out and calling off the wedding. You wouldn't do that for such a trivial reason.

I really don't think you need to be hunting for evidence. You've seen those texts with your own eyes, your instinct told you something was up. They can't possibly convince you that you made it all up in your head. So just start packing his bags for him now and let the word out that the wedding is off.

I'm so very very sorry that this has happened and the only advice I can give you is to take control, because once you start making decisions and taking action you do feel more empowered and better for it.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 13:14

I'm thinking if I call my brother and tell him he can get his wifes phone when he sees her tonight, I know I don't need proof for myself but if he doesn't see what I have then what if he doesn't believe me? it's just so totally out of the blue

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 13:15

You sure she does not use facebook?

I agree you should go see your brother. Call him and tell him you need to talk to him urgently and ask him if you can meet him straight after work.

The last thing you need is your dp telling sil that he thinks you are on to them. Then you risk her taking matters into her own hands, and ensuring she gets there first , ridiculing your "unfounded" accusations.

rubyrubyruby · 27/02/2012 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 13:16

Yes, listen to TheRhubarb.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 13:18

She will have deleted everything off her phone by now, I would put money on that.

There are a lot of different ways to approach this... I think I would be inclined to set some sort of trap... buy a new phone or sim, send her a text, saying "got a new phone, lets keep it all on this one so sars doesnt see anything"...

Byeckerslike · 27/02/2012 13:19

Excellent advice rhubarb, sorry again op, do you have a friend nearby to hug you?

glassandahalf · 27/02/2012 13:20

Agree with Rhubarb, don't torture yourself looking for yet more evidence. If your partner and SIL have moved from 'pretending to hate each other' to in all probability having sex downstairs while you and your DB are asleep upstairs, this affair has probably been going on for some time. The fact that your partner left his mobile lying around full of incriminating messages almost suggest that he wants to be found out .... you do not need to look any further.

So sorry this has happened to you, just try to use this afternoon to think how best to break this to your brother.

Byeckerslike · 27/02/2012 13:21

Ooh squeaky, that is a good idea if you feel you need hard evidence.

Although, you really only need hard evidence for your brother like you have said and maybe you shouod tell him what you know and leave that to him, you have enough to deak with :(

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 13:22

Even if you go down the "entrapment route" you should tell your brother.

sherbetpips · 27/02/2012 13:22

I would speak to your brother first BUT you need to be prepared for him reacting differently to you.
Let him know your suspicions and tell him that you will be speaking to your fiance. What he does is up to him and he may react badly and choose not to believe you at first.

Then straight to your fiance, tell him that you are aware what has been going on, you have spoken to your brother and that you would like him to be honest with you. Either way you need to make clear that you wont be proceeding with the wedding and you woudl like to move out/move him out.

The less hysterical the better (easier said than done).

He will no doubt deny everything, will have a go at you for not trusting him, blah, blah, blah..... he will then make out that the wedding is off because you don't trust him, blah, blah, blah...... There is no win in this situation just get the hell out of it and go find yourself a lovely honest bloke.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 27/02/2012 13:23

I dont think you need any more evidence, you used intuition and have found them out.

I think you need to tell your DB about this asap.

pack a bag, get locks changed and kick his ass out.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 13:25

All I am thinking is, OP has seen evidence, but it is going to be her word against his, and the SIL can deny it all.... brother hasnt seen any evidence, and while accepting that his sisters bloke has cheated on her, may not accept that it was with his own wife, who is also bound to deny it.

It is not going to be a pleasant atmosphere in the future if brother and his wife manage to ride this out with her playing an innocently accused party...

Because of the close relationship, I would say getting some sort of evidence is quite important.

sherbetpips · 27/02/2012 13:28

glassandahalf - I agree about the wanting to be found out. My brother left loads of evidence around the house in the vain hope his wife would catch on (reciepts for dinner for two, hotels, etc). She didn't, in the end it took his mistresses husband to ring her before she figured it out.

TheRhubarb · 27/02/2012 13:30

I really wouldn't speak to your brother just yet. There are two issues here:

He has been cheating on you, so do you really want to go through with this marriage?
Your brother's wife is also a cheat.

Right now you have to take things one at a time. Sort out your affairs first as they are most important right now. He will have an inkling after what you said to him last night and you coming home early that you know something. He may have thought back and realised that he left his phone within reach and that you've read the texts. That is probably why he was up and about early, to meet up with her and warn her that the game may be up. If that's the case then they are already plotting their story.

You need to get in there fast. Call him now and tell him that you know everything, that you've got a copy of the texts and that the wedding is off. Say he can pick up his stuff tomorrow but for tonight, he'll have to find somewhere else to sleep.

Do what needs to be done for yourself first.

They will panic thinking that you have your proof. You can say that you took a picture of the messages on your phone (don't say you forwarded them to your phone as he need only check his sent messages box) and will forward them to your brother if they don't come clean. However if they don't, well then considering the affair has probably been going on for some time, your brother may well have his suspicions and your actions could well be the proof he needs that something is going on. He will ask and only then do you tell him. Let him come to you for that information though. He's bound to ask why you've chucked him out and you can tell him the truth, what brother wouldn't believe his sister when you've thrown your fiance out because of it?

But right now, think of yourself please and call him now before they have time to get their story straight.

SaraBellumHertz · 27/02/2012 13:32

You don't need any more evidence. You know.

What your Dbro decides to believe or disbelieve you have no control over. If he wants to go into denial then he will do so even with the screenshots.

Speak to your Dbro in person as soon as you possibly can. Tell him what you saw and then confront your P.

Don't for one second worry about the wedding. I am assuming it was to be attended by friends and family? They will only be concerned for you.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 13:33

Yes, do as TheRhubarb says.

Very wise.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 13:34

If it was some random woman I'd just accuse him but this isn't just my relationship this is my brother's marriage too, this will tear my whole family apart, what if he's gone to meet her now, I have no way of knowing :(

OP posts:
QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 13:37

He has an hour before work to speak to her.

MysteriousHamster · 27/02/2012 13:37

Talk to your brother, he may be able to help and he deserves to know as well. Best of luck.

warthog · 27/02/2012 13:45

bottom line is your trust in him is broken. you can't get that back. you need to think about what to do with the wedding etc. get some close friends in rl to help. you need support now.

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