I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

[Sarsaparilllla]

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

What a horrible situation. I agree with all those who say to tell your brother. If it comes out in the future, he is likely to be far more hurt that you knew and didn't tell him, than if you tell him and let him make his own choices about what to do with the information.

I've text my brother to ask what time he's finishing work today

'D' P has text me saying he hopes I feel better soon and if I still feel ill tomorrow he's try and get theh day off work, WTF it's frightening how easily he lies, it's not even as though I'm making it up about feeling ill, I feel physically sick and shakey

Yes it will tear your family apart - but is that your fault? No.

What would you rather happen, that your brother continues to think that his wife is a loving and loyal one? What if he decides he wants children with her? And you, do you want to get married to a cheat?

Yes he probably has gone to meet her which is why your action is needed now before they have time to concoct a story together to cover their tracks. Your boyfriend will know something is up.

For now, all I would do is call him, tell him you have the evidence and that the wedding is off. I'm sorry but your brother can wait, you need to deal with this huge bombshell and get this man out of your life. So let them think you have the evidence, even threaten to send it to your brother, but for now focus on yourself. Confide in a real life friend for support and start packing your boyfriend's stuff.

You've had a lucky call as you could have gone on to marry this cheat.

Your brother will no doubt wonder why his wife is acting so strange as she will doubtless panic over your threats to reveal all. So when you do tell him, not only will he realise that his suspicions were right but it'll also explain why his wife was so panicky when you were throwing your fiance out.

I'm sure your brother would rather know than not. Yes it's a mess but the two people who should be sat there worrying about it all are them. So make that phone call and see it as the first step to getting your life back on track. It will be a painful journey for both you and your brother, but with support you will be ok. You must also accept that he may forgive her and that's something you'll just have to live with, however you don't have to live with a cheat so get shut now.

warthog yes you're right, the trust is broken, it was from the minute I read his messages, that in itself shows that I don't trust him, instinct is a funny thing, I just knew somehow something wasn't right, I could feel it

Your boyfriend has done that to sound you out. He is worried in case you've discovered their sordid secret and he's trying to whittle information from him. That text might have even been her idea.

Call him.

from you rather.

I bet you do. It's a horrible situation.

I can't ring him, I want to do it face to face

I very much doubt he is starting work early - he will have arranged to meet with her.

He WILL have picked up on what you said last night. I doubt he's slept a wink and will have been frantically planning a denial strategy. Forget about the texts - they'll be long gone, so will hers. He'll have called her the minute you left the house. Same for anything incriminating online, etc.

Rhubarb's suggestion that you bluff that you have photographed the texts is the BEST and probably ONLY way you'll get a confession. Do as she says - text him, tell him he's out and you have photos of the texts which will be forwarded to your bro - but you're giving her until 4pm to confess as you'd rather he heard it from her.

Before you do that - call his work and ask to speak to him - 'Is he there yet?' - you shuold be able to get confirmation that he's not starting until 3 - if so, you know he's with her and could, could also call your bro and ask where his wife is right that moment - does he know where she is? Can he call her work and confirm she is there - or has she slipped out for a late lunch??

If you can get proof that they have met this afternoon, that helps too.

What others say about proof not really mattering for YOUR relationship is right though - you know, that's all you need. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. He knows what he's done... and you know he's done it.

Ok, so send him a text telling him that you have the proof and that it's all over.

You don't really want to face him at 11pm do you? Where would he sleep? On the sofa after you've had such a traumatic face to face admission?

You need him to leave work early so you can sort this out or it will torture you all day. The only way you can get him to do that is to tell him that it's over. At least then he can find somewhere else to sleep tonight and you don't have to dread each passing hour.

Usually I'd agree with therhubarb that the issue of who your partner has been cheating with is a side issue but in this case the two issues (your p cheating and your DB being cheated on) are so intrinsically linked that you can only act in relation to them both as soon as possible.

Dealing with your P in the first instance is straight forward -you simply ask him to leave. Presumably there is nothing he can say at this moment, or perhaps ever, that will make any of this ok? Even if later you decide that you can move forward together he needs to go for the moment.

Dealing with your DB is more complicated because he is a step behind you at the moment. Ask yourself if it was him who had discover the affair would you have wanted him to tell you immediately? I think most people would say yes they would expect their sibling to tell.

To wait and tell him when he asks why you a P have split would be horrific.

I agree with contacting him at work. Definately, because unless early shift changes are a common occurrence, it is unlikely that he has been called in.

I agree with Rhubarb bluff him, even if you do it face to face, tell him you've taken a photo of the texts or you've forwarded them onto yourself.

That maybe the only way of getting him to admit it. When I found similar texts from my XH he deniyed it to within an inch of his life, and 'ONLY' told me the truth when he realised I had him 'bang to rights'.

That said, as others have said on here, you've seen them so you know, you don't need to prove it to others to do what you have to, with regards to your DP.

However 'if' they deny it and try to put it on you because of your brother, that's when a bluff, when they are paniced, is as good as any evidence. How is your relationship with your brother? Would he trust you over her? He could always back you up and say he's seen the texts?

But, it does sound like you DP is sensing something fishy is going on, add that to the fact he left his phone on the bedside table with the texts on it, AND you've been acting strange and made an odd statement 'have you got somethign to tell me' he'll already be panicing and trying to cover his tracks.

And remember, NONE of this is your fault, if it doesn tear your family apart, him and you SIL did it, not you!

Sorry, but I don't think any of the details matter. It doesn't really matter what time he's starting work, whether he's meeting up with SIL first, whether they have time to get their story straight, whether you have any proof. I don't think you need to bluff him/them into making a confession. In your heart you know what has happened, it's horrible, and you need time for it to sink in. But instead of scrabbling around looking for evidence or trying to catch him out, I would go for a long walk and try to work out in your head how you want to deal with this now.

Another vote against the bluffing here. You know what you saw. He can't convince you otherwise. And your brother (who you should definitely tell asap) should believe you without evidence - why on earth would you dream of making such a thing up? What he chooses to do about his marriage is up to him. What you choose to do about yours is up to you - but you already know what you should do, as you say in your title. You should end it. He is the wrong one.

I've tried ringing his work but it goes through to a call centre, and I got put through to a different office than the one he works in

I'm really close to my brother, I'd cound him more as a friend, I can't bear to be the one to tell him, but if it was the other way round I'd want him to tell me

And you will find the right one, who will love you as you deserve. That's the positive to come from this, though it won't be much comfort yet. Thank god you found out now!

count even

Yes, to sum up

Call dps work and ask for him. It will confirm whether he is there or not. If he IS there, just tell him you know what has been going on and he wont need to take any time off tomorrow, other than to look for somewhere else to live, as you have photographed the messages on his phone and will be sending them on to your brother in a few hours, as you want sil to have a chance to confess to him first.

If he is NOT in work, you know he is most likely meeting her, send the text saying pretty much as above.

Then wait and see.

oh x post.

*Call him at work, make something up. Just to see if he is there.
*Call your brother. If he is at home, ask if you can go round. Tell him what you found, ask him whether his DW is acting strange, or if he has found anything to make him concerned. You and he should provide a united front.
*Go home and bag up all of your P's belongings, and tell him to leave when he gets home. (if it is his house, is there anywhere you could crash for a few days?)

I find it odd that she said in her test 'I'm married' (original OP) - why state smth he already knows? You are absolutely sure that it is you SIL, not another woman with same name?
though them together watching a film etc would be too much a coincidence probably.

Your boyfriend has his mobile on him, no? So call him now, ask where he is and tell him that there is something important you need to discuss. Don't go into details, but tell him that he needs to come home.

If you can't bear to talk to him on the phone then send a text.

I only suggest bluffing because you seem to need that proof, yet I think by now all proof will have gone. However he is not to know that you did not photograph the texts on his phone. Don't say you forwarded them, he can check that.

I seriously don't think you ought to be sat there torturing yourself with all the 'what if's' of the situation. Deal with this one step at a time.

I know it's your brother too, but right now you are in shock and you are not in any state of mind to handle someone else's emotions. So hold off on speaking to your brother until you have made some decisions about where you, personally, go from here. With any luck, if you do go with the bluffing, they may tell him for you. After all, sister in law wouldn't want those texts to get into your brother's hands would she?

Hi Sasparilla, what a truly awful situation for you,life is going to be horrible for a while, but there's no avoiding that now, things have to come out and be dealt with. You will get through it and find happiness again on the other side, but right now you've got some awful things to get on with.

My advice would be stop all this intrigue, and 'getting proof' business, you know what's been going on, you know your relationship is over and you know you have to tell your brother and then he has to address things himself with his wife.

I'd say just get on and do those things.

Arrange to meet your brother later today, do not tell him this over the phone.

Call your partner at work, ask him to come home immediately. Tell him you know, you want him to leave and the wedding is off.

Once you've told your brother it's upto him how he deals with this with his wife. If she denies it he'll have to decide what to do.

If your Dp denies it, so what?? You know what you saw, he can deny and lie forever if he likes as you know the truth.

Personally I think there could be some initial denial from both, but once they realise it's out, the justification will kick in instead.

I hope you can get through this OK and find some RL support for the shitty weeks ahead.

I get the reason behind the bluffing, but just don't think it will work. OP will say she has the evidence. he will say show me. She won't be able to. He will call her bluff. He will be (wrongly) exonnerated and she will look like the mad one. She is in a strong position now (however horrible it feels) and needn't weaken it by any deceit. As long as she doesn't let him convince her she's mistaken.