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Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 27/02/2012 10:39

I would absolutely go to my brother first. The two situations are seperate in way.

You have found out that his wife us having an affair and your db needs to know.

You have found out your dp has cheated on you and you need to tell him it's over.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.Sad

thebighouse · 27/02/2012 10:40

Speaking personally, I would just drive over to my brother's work and speak to him now. Take the day off as sick - you must be out of your mind with stress.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 10:40

They live in the same city, just a few miles away

My fiance isn't working today until 3pm,maybe I should make an excuse and go home now and confront him before he gets a chance to delete anything, I know I don't need proof because I know what I've read, but it would make me stronger I think

OP posts:
alessthandomesticgoddess · 27/02/2012 10:40

I'm so sorry to hear this. I would speak to your brother and ask him if he has noticed anything odd with his wife. If not, explain about what has happened and explain you need support in this. If you both confront your (in)significant others then you have a better chance of them actually telling the truth, especially with the text evidence you've seen.

Are there children involved either on your side or his? Do you think they've become physical or is this a lusting, longing emotional affair?

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 10:41

I agreee with bighouse, you are not going to be able to concentrate on work while this is in your head.

minceorotherwise · 27/02/2012 10:42

So sorry you are going through this. You probably do need to ensure that your SIL is not alerted to the fact you know. You don't want to be in a situation where DB is unsure as to whether something definitely went on, and she goes into damage limitation and deny deny deny.

travellingwilbury · 27/02/2012 10:44

I think if it was me I would leave work and go home and have it out with him , I presume if he is working a 3 then you won't really get a chance to talk to him about it today if you work till 5 ?

I wouldn't want to sit on this all night on my own .

I also wouldn't ring my brother , it has to be face to face but whether I would do that before or after talking to my fiance I don't know .

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 10:44

minceorotherwise, you're completely right, I think she'd deny it and it could all come crashing back on me if my DB decided to believe her :(

OP posts:
kodachrome · 27/02/2012 10:45

The only reason I suggested you forward the texts to yourself is so that you don't start minimising what you saw or doubting yourself, cos too often when confronted people deny and deny until you think you're going nutty. And really you don't want to believe he could do this to you and would wish it away if you could. Also if you are thinking of telling your brother, it might have been easier to just to hand over what you've seen rather than saying the words.

But it's no wonder it didn't cross your mind at the time and I wouldn't go out of your way to try to get hold of his phone again. If he vaguely suspects you might have seen the phone, he's doubtless deleted everything.

Byeckerslike · 27/02/2012 10:46

Yes Sarsaparilllla i would go home and speak to him, you wont get any work done.

Good luck this is truly horrible for you, you must feel so sick.

pinkdelight · 27/02/2012 10:46

Well I guarantee that your DP will have spoken to your S-I-L asap about planning a cover-up so the sooner you talk (ideally face to face) with your brother the better. The last thing you want is for him not to believe you because of some crap he's been fed.

So sorry you are going through this.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 27/02/2012 10:48

If you could get a chance, I would be tempted to get hold of fiance's phone and keep it (trying to make him think it was just lost somewhere). Then he can't delete anything (unless he already has), and you could show DB the original texts, which would be more convincing than forwarded ones (which would lose the detail of who they were originally from and to I guess?). And I suppose you would have access to any further messages.

What an awful mess...

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 10:52

Go home.

Incidentally, is your SIL working today?

rubyrubyruby · 27/02/2012 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 10:59

Dont let your dp know you are on your way home. Just go.

RabidEchidna · 27/02/2012 11:02

Do NOT marry him DO NOT

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 11:05

Yes, she's working today as far as I know

OP posts:
CheekyChoppers · 27/02/2012 11:05

I agree with the posters who suggest telling your brother first. I think you'd be in far stronger position to go for the 'twin pronged' approach, and probably more likely to get the truth this way.

If you speak to DP first, he will tell your SIL and she will feed your brother aload of bullshit first. Your brother will also not know what to believe and will be the last to know.

Good luck and stay strong Smile

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 27/02/2012 11:06

what a shit your fiance is. Just go home, try to get the messages forwarded onto your phone and speak to your brother and partner.

What a bloody mess - dont marry him just because people have holidays booked. They can still go on holiday.

LilacWaltz · 27/02/2012 11:07

I would let her know that you know. Let her stew on it. Really, there are no words for this....

LilacWaltz · 27/02/2012 11:07

Meant to add. So, so sorry you are going through this. Sad

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 11:08

Are there children involved either on your side or his? Do you think they've become physical or is this a lusting, longing emotional affair?

No children on either side, I don't know but if it is/hs been physical they were in my livingroom, while my brother and I slept upstairs :( I don't know if it's been going on for a while, I feel physically sick the more it's sinking in

He doesnt start work until 3pm today and won't finish until 11pm so late by the time he's home, if I go home now he'll probably still be in bed

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 27/02/2012 11:11

I would go home and wake the bugger up , catch him on the back foot a bit .

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 11:12

I would go home anyway, check his phone again if he is asleep. If there is any evidence left on it, I would take a quick photo of it with my own phone (much quicker to do that faff about forwarding texts etc)... then I would go to my brother and tell him what I knew.

Clytaemnestra · 27/02/2012 11:12

Go and get his phone. If he's asleep, even better.

I have a horrible feeling you might need to show your brother hard evidence of what is going on.