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Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
Ahhhtetley · 27/02/2012 14:37

I would suggest you go and see your brother and tell him what's happened. He can then deal with his wife and his relationship as he sees fit. A chat about it might help you too.

You then need to deal with your DP... You shouldn't be tormenting yourself with the what ifs etc. Just tell him what you know and then deal with him as you see fit yourself. Do what's best for you.. But it does sound like you need to get it out in the open, either with your brother or your DP, or both. It's going to come out into the open and you really can't second guess what's going to be said.

I suggested bluffing earlier incase he, and your SIL tried to tell your brother you were lying, but if you've got a good relationship with your bro (which it sounds like you have) then it's not a problem

TheRhubarb · 27/02/2012 14:40

Why would he be exonerated? He knows he has been cheating. He knows she has seen the texts. Even if she cannot provide the evidence, she knows what she saw and so does he.

It doesn't stop her from calling off the wedding or from telling her brother if she wants to. I doubt he would disbelieve her as I'm sure that there will have been signs that will all make sense once her brother knows.

The evidence is neither here nor there but if the OP really does need it then the best she can do is to bluff. The boyfriend knows she has seen the phone, why would he disbelieve her if she says she has taken photos of what she saw? Most people would have saved that evidence. I know I would. There is no reason not to believe that she's kept hold of the proof. But either way, it matters not, I doubt her brother would disbelieve her at all.

hisgentletouch · 27/02/2012 14:40

they can easily portray it as a moment of madness and that it never went beyond fantasising. For me even this would be enough to end it with BF/fiance, but not neccessarily enough for OP's brother if his wife pleads with him (and they ARE married).

PeppermintPasty · 27/02/2012 14:42

Just talk to your bro. You're close, he loves you, and trusts you. You will feel better.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 14:42

She can refuse to show him. She can say she prefers to keep it safe. She does not want him to delete the file from her computer, or smash her phone or camera, or in other ways try to destroy it.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 27/02/2012 14:44

OP, are you in a position to retrieve deleted texts? Or is your bro?

I don't know how this works but others will - is it if the phone is on contract, you can get details of texts? (I know you can get WHO he texted from the bill at least - does he have online billing, can you get into it?)

Might be another way you can (not immediately) get evidence.

So sorry you are going through this, your head must be spinning.

Do you have a good friend you can maybe talk to very soon?

hisgentletouch · 27/02/2012 14:45

it's also the not knowing whether they went beyond being emotional and kissing, could drive OP mad (if she allowed him to stay), you really need to dump him, OP.

pinkdelight · 27/02/2012 14:46

Exonnerated may be the wrong word, but you know what I mean - despite the facts, he will be lying his arse off, and him catching her in a lie about the evidence (and he will catch her, because her threat cannot be carried out, plus she's not as practiced at lying as he is and in no mood for it I'm sure) will give him the leverage he needs to start undermining her position. Of course it shouldn't happen like that. But you've read it on here hundreds of times, women who've been convinced that they've got it all wrong, by cheating gits.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 14:48

If the texts have been deleted, I think you can also check the sent folder, he might not have deleted texts HE has sent. There might also be a message receipt confirmation folder, that could confirm that texting has been taking place.

You will need to have his phone for this.

sasslejaney84 · 27/02/2012 14:50

Hi sas firstly I would suggest going to your brother and then sitting down with the DP (if you feel like you need to do this in a face to face setting, rather than over the phone) then say you saw the messages, when (he will, unfortunatly) deny this, state you took photos and have shown your brother. Give him half an hour in another room (with NO phone), leave the room if needs be, to come and tell you the truth.

The only reason I suggest this, this is what my now OH did with his ex, she was having an affair with a married neighbour and it worked. Also, if he doesn't have his phone, you can keep it with you and allow you to go through it, he may have deleted the messages you orginally saw but there may also be more.

All I can say is good luck, its a shitty time and I really feel for you!

Hugs

TheRhubarb · 27/02/2012 14:56

I would just work on the premise that they know how to work their own phones and that text evidence has been deleted.

You have your proof because you have your instinct, you are starting to put 2 and 2 together and you have seen the texts.
There is no use him denying this giving what you've seen, but he might. I also know from previous Mumsnet threads that once confronted, they do tend to admit all but they will say things like "well you've been pressurising me" or "she just confided in me about marriage problems and I was there for her" etc. General texts might be lied about, but not specific ones like these.

How can he deny what she has seen with her own eyes? What is he going to do, tell her that she imagined it all?

I think he'll admit to it but say that it was either sister-in-law's fault or the fault of the OP's for pressurising him into marriage/not giving him enough attention.

I still think the OP needs to sort her own situation and feelings out before she tells her brother and that since her boyfriend has offered to take tomorrow off, he can finish early today and sort this shit out. The OP doesn't need to be held hanging on. This is a conversation that needs to happen now.

AppleShaped · 27/02/2012 15:11

I think pinkdelight made a good point suggesting that not to weaken it by any deceit

You have behaved with a lot more self respect and class than i would have done in your situation.

fabwoman · 27/02/2012 15:16

The "I'm married" doesn't mean anything really as it was said by someone I know to someone who already knew the situation so it probably is the SIL.

Littlemissmagnet · 27/02/2012 15:17

I'm so sorry that is a tough situation. :( I think you should get proof if you can (if you can face it)
I also think Juneau is right about speaking to your brother face to face and alone and then you can work out what to do and support each other. You both might have different reactions to it. Good luck x

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 15:22

I don't know about behaving with self respect and class, I feel like it just hasn't sunk in properly and I can't figure out how I'm supposed to react

I just spoke to my friend about it, feel a bit better now having spoken to someone in RL, but thank you all for your messages

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 15:22

Oh there's no doubt in my mind the messages were from my SIL, there were references to the weekend

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 27/02/2012 15:29

Can you drive to where your brother works and ask to speak to him?

hisgentletouch · 27/02/2012 15:29

how to react? not sure there can be very different reactions, apart from wanting to throw the P out! Even if your brother decides to forgive the wife, it's now impossible to have civil situation all round if your P stays. Also the fact you don't know how far it went (and she'll deny anything to the inch of her life as it's her marriage at stake) will eat away at you.

hisgentletouch · 27/02/2012 15:31

you have to speak to DB, you can't withhold truth from him, at least that relationship (you and him) should survive! even though it's dreadful to tell him.

LiarsWife · 27/02/2012 15:39

As you said - you'd want your DBro to tell you.

Good luck - it must be terrible for you x

drasticpark · 27/02/2012 15:48

You need a confession or they will seriously damage your mental health with their lies. Those long since deleted texts alone may not be enough. You need to do some serious bluffing along the lines of "I know everything so confess now and I won't tell DB" (which of course you would). Do anything to get a confession. The lowest you stoop will be nowhere near their depths. You may prefer to wait and gather more evidence and there will be more, loads more. I know it's difficult but try and think very carefully. Your DB may choose not to believe the most blatant evidence. It's strange what people do in these situations. Just know that you're coming out of this with your head held high and they will be in the gutter. Your family will be stronger for this, I'm sure.

lollipoppet · 27/02/2012 15:54

Can you look at his bank statements for anything out of the ordinary?
Access his phone bills, either paper or online? That'll give you proof of all the texts even if he has deleted them (and if there's loads, which I am guessing there would be that might be tricky to weasel out of for both of them)
Also, I know you said you don't know is password for emails but if you know someone well it is often easy to hack into their account by answering personal info and secret questions to reset the password (not very ethical I know but I have done it and would do it again in your circumstances)
Often email accounts will provide other leads too, like to online phone records.

Wish you luck, can't imagine how heart broken you must be :-( xx

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 16:01

I'm going to speak to my fiance first, then my brother, if I then get a confession out of him I have that to go to my brother with, even if I have no texts I can show him

OP posts:
Hidinginthewoods · 27/02/2012 16:14

Thinking of you.
So sorry you're going through this.
Just wondering how on earth families work through this 'double' betrayal ? Sad

If your DB stays with his wife would you ever trust her or your DH again?
(At least when the OW is not family some control can be exercised over when you/he have contact - small comfort I know, but how would it work in a close family situation?)

Hope you are ok OP

SorryMyLollipop · 27/02/2012 16:18

Some phones keep a record of texts sent and received in the call registry even after they have been deleted (not the content - just the fact that there was a text sent to "x" person with the time and date) you can't see what the message said, it's just a trace of a text.

I didn't realise this until I accidentally discovered it on my samsung waveII (8530). These traces can be deleted but most people don't know they exist.

It might be of use, I don't know.

I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible situation.