I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

[Sarsaparilllla]

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

:( what an awful situation for you all.

how did your DB's wife react? Did she try to deny it.

I hope yoye exP and ex SIL get together and are utterly miserable together.

am lurker but just had to say well done and keep strong, I am aware how hard this must be for you and your db. Your parents are also very raw to it, but you are doing what is best for you by talking to your xf.

Hope you are feeling OK Sars.

Awful as this may sound can I suggest you tell any guests that have booked going abroad to your wedding asap so that they can get their heads around getting their money back/sorting things for themselves.

Enlist your friends/family to make the calls and don't be ashamed/embarrassed this is not your fault.

Sorry if I have this wrong and it is not you who was planning on a foreign wedding!

You don't have to react the same at all. Could your folks be worried that you may get talked around into continuing a relationship with a man who may have had a hand in destroying their son's marriage and deeply hurting their DD at the same time? It is tough for all of you including them trying to support the pair of you.

Just take care of yourself.

sarsaparillla - have been lurking but just wanted to say that you've been dealing with this horrible situation really well and that there is no right/wrong way to react.

I have some practical advice to offer on the topic of cancelling weddings (I've done this once before): I sent an email around my immediate work colleagues/friends saying that we wouldn't be getting married due to various circumstances, that I was really upset and would appreciate everyone just accepting it and not quizzing me 'til I felt like talking. They were all wonderful and gave me lots of space. Eventually I picked someone to talk to and gave them permission to spread the word around, so I didn't have to comb over the same awful details again and again.

Don't know if that is relevant to your situation but it might help a bit. I do agree that it is horrible talking over this stuff with family though, especially when they get angry on your behalf but emotionally it feels like they're angry with you instead.

As others have said, please take care of yourself.

Hope both you and your DB are holding up ok

cerys sorry you have had to deal with a similar situation, but that sounds like a very good way of coping with it.

People will speculate - it's human nature - but Cerys' method seems wise.

OP you are doing AMAZINGLY.

Sooner or later your exP and SIL are going to realise what an ugly ugly mess they have made of things. I very much doubt that their relationship will sustain the fallout FWIW

Sars just read this thread and am in awe of how quickly you got your head together. Hang in there - you have totally done the right thing and however sad you will feel at times you will always know underneath that you deserve so much better than this man.

And your SIL is an utter bitch. I don't really understand why your poor DB moved out - he should have kicked the trollop out and changed the locks

Hey Sarsaparillia I'm so glad you're ok. You sound wonderfully strong.
Re your parents i can imagine that having to reassure them must feel awfully like having to justify yourself.
Nevertheless if you were to initiate a conversation where you told them of your intentions exactly without being asked ie being determined to have some answers without taking your ex F back, so that you could mentally move on, they would be happier. You could also mention in the same breath that people deal with things differently and you internalise it more than your DB. And so whilst they have absolutely nothing to fear in terms of your getting back together, you have to work through it so that you can move on with the least amount of emotional scarring. Oh and that you are looking forward to a future without ex F. That should make your dad breathe a sigh of relief and not mention it for a while.

Thanks slightlyjaded, hopefully my crap experience can help someone else!

OP - hope you're doing ok..... I imagine you must be feeling awful right now but a day will come when you get up and realise you're not feeling as bad as yesterday. You just need to hang on until then, it WILL happen :)

Wow sars, i have been following this thread but unable to offer any meaningful comment. But at this point I need to leap in and say bloody well done you.

I am very impressed by how you are handling this nightmare of a situation, doing what's right for you and respecting your brother's choices, too.

In the nicest possible way, it's really not your dad's business to have any expectations of how you handle this or whether or not you still speak to your x.

It's hard on the whole family and it may be that some of the devastation blows around your immediate family and resentments flare up where you weren't expecting it. I think that's the way grief and shock play out.

Not much help but stay strong, believe in yourself, and keep looking forward to the much brighter future you are building for yourself. xx