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Original poster

I know what I *should* do but in shock :(

536 replies

Sarsaparilllla · 27/02/2012 09:50

So, I'm engaged, we're due to get married in August, on Sat we had a day out with my brother and his wife, and then they stayed at ours, we all had quite a lot to drink, I went to bed quite late as did my brother and my fiance and sis in law stayed up watching a film

I just had a weird feeling something was up, not right, earlier in the evening my fiance had gone upstairs to the loo, she'd been up there too saying she was getting something out of the room they were staying in, but all their bags were still downstairs, I thought at the time it was slightly odd but forgot about it

Last night I woke up at 5.30am and my fiance wasn't in bed anymore, he'd gone to sleep downstairs on the sofa, I don't know why but his phone was by the bed and I read his texts, there was a whole conversation between him & sis in law that started out her staying 'I miss you' and basically saying 'oh god, this is a mess, it was better when we pretended we hated each other, I'm married, when can we meet up' etc etc... so something did happen, and I'm in utter shock, I don't know what to do, I know what I should do, but I feel numb :(

He then woke up (I went into the bathroom so must've woke him), he came to bed, I said to him, do you have something you want to tell me? He said no, why what's up, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to say, I turned off the light and tried to sleep, and pretend this isn't happening, but it is and now he's lied to my face as well

Help :( :(

OP posts:
loveverona · 03/03/2012 23:21

Respect to you SARS. It takes great strength to move forward in a situation such as this. At the end of the day, nobody can make the decision for you. This is something you have to do and know in your gut what is right for you. Sounds to me like you've done just that. I wish you the very best of luck. x

izzyizin · 03/03/2012 23:54

they've been texting, have met up to 'discuss the situation' whatever the fuck that means - that means that, regardless of any denials they may make, they've been fucking.

I'm very pleased to learn that you've been proactive otherwise, having given consideration to what madonna has said, it seems probable that you'd be setting yourself up for a future of him requiring you to agree to x or y otherwise he'll tell your brother that he shagged his wife weeks/months/days ago and you've known about it all along.

Alternatively, you'd have no guarantee that the lying pair wouldn't continue their clandestine affair and eventually run off together - at which time your brother would suffer a double betrayal when he discovered that their infidelity was previously known to you .

Or, should the lying pair fall out, he might blurt it out it in a drink/drug fuelled act of spite at a large family function.

Taking everything into account, if you had swept this under the carpet and continued with your wedding plans, the permutations for future misery are endless but, happily, they needn't haunt you now.

This is a situation where honesty is not just the best policy, it's the only way to go and I'm relieved that you've had the courage of your convictions.

HillyWallaby · 04/03/2012 02:52

I'd be very surprised indeed if they have not already had sex. but even if they haven't, they would have sooner or later if you hadn't found them out, and they still will if they are allowed to brush this little unfortunate kissing thing under the carpet, and say it was a silly mistake that almost got out of hand.

And let's suppose it was nothing but texting and snogging for a moment - If it had been a woman at work or a bloke in a nightclub I suspect they both might be given a second chance, and maybe that's fair enough - but given the very awkward relationship between you all I'd strongly recommend that however much you or your brother are tempted Sars, you don't do it. Honestly - no good will come of it. If they are attracted t one another at all then this can only go from bad to worse.

izzyizin · 04/03/2012 03:48

Itches always cry out to be scratched, and no amount of sweeping it under the carpet calamine lotion relieves that persistent primitive urge to indulge in a veritable orgy frenzy of fevered scratching.

You and your brother can take it as read that the lying pair have shagged indulged in more than one mutually satisfying scratch fest, honey, and hopefully they are now both free to indulge in more at their leisure although, of course, they'll probably find that their need is not quite so urgent when they're at liberty to shag scratch their itch openly.

SnapesMistress · 04/03/2012 10:38

Hope your brother is ok OP, what a horrible situation :(

bleedingheart · 04/03/2012 12:54

It is so heartening to know that you have told your brother, while I don't underestimate how you must be feeling Sars, I was also so worried about this poor man finding out in weeks or months or years to come that this had happened and his sister hadn't felt able to tell him. Your 'P' and SiL have behaved so appallingly. Horrible situation for you all.

PufftyMagicDragon · 04/03/2012 18:11

kudos to you sars! Don't forget there is a majority of support on here for you :)

frankie76 · 04/03/2012 22:20

Well done SARS - what a horrid thing to have to tell your brother!

MrsBonkers · 04/03/2012 22:37

Sars, Have been following thread and not posted until now.
So proud of you and how you have conducted yourself with dignity.
I think you have had a lucky escape.
Not that that will make you feel any better for a while. Your whole world has been torn apart and you must feel like shit. I hope time heals quickly and it stops hurting soon. Hope your brother is okay too.
Best of luck.x.

jen127 · 05/03/2012 10:01

{hug}
Respect to you for having the courage to deal with this.
Good Luck xx

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 07/03/2012 14:24

An update as so many people have been so supportive

My brother has packed this things and gone to stay with my parents, he's not doing too good but I've spoken/text him pretty much every day and I think he'll get through this eventually

I didn't really want my parents knowing, but he did and he's told them, I can't be mad at him, it's his situation as well, I just want to crawl under a rock and hide I guess and that doesn't let me do that

The wedding is totally off, I'm in the process of speaking to suppliers but ex F's parents don't know yet so we haven't told all the guests as yet because I think his family need to know first, I've told him he needs to tell them at the weekend because I can't stand being in limbo when I know it's not happening

I've listed my wedding dress on ebay, which felt quite cathartic :)

We had the most almightly row on Sat, ending in me storming out and him getting locked out of the house, he broke the back door trying to break in, but he's said he'll pay to get it fixed

I am still speaking to F, I just still need answers, and I don't think I can get over this by just never speaking to him again, that's my brother's way of dealing with it, and we just both need to find our way through this in our own ways I guess

OP posts:
fabwoman · 07/03/2012 14:27

Blinking heck. You sound really strong. Take care.

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 07/03/2012 14:37

Oh love, you've had such dignity and I have so much respect for you keeping yourself together.

I'm glad for you that you've managed to do all this and I hope your brother gets lots of support as well.

Thank you for coming back as well.

SlightlyJaded · 07/03/2012 14:42

Well done Sars. You are being amazingly strong and I promise you that you will look back and be so so glad that you behaved the way you are and dealt with things with dignity. But most of all that you made a clean break and didn't spend months/years drifting about in relationship limbo with him.

It's going to be hard but your future is brighter already. Fact

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 07/03/2012 14:48

It's just so hard, my dad rang me last night and can't understand why I'm still speaking to F, and I feel like because my brother has uped and left his wife and is saying he doesn't want to speak to her ever again that I'm expected to do the exact same, but just because we're in the same situation it doesn't mean that we have to react in the exact same way, does it?

OP posts:
LizaTarbucksAuntie · 07/03/2012 14:52

you're not in the same situation my love. Your brother is facing the end of his marriage which will take langer to deal with. You are a week or so ahead of your brother as well remember because you discovered all this and had to cope on your own for that time.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 07/03/2012 14:58

You don't have to feel or do anything in the same way - it doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong

Sorry for what you're going thru OP

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 07/03/2012 14:58

Yes, that's true Liza, I didn't think of that, this time last week I was feeling much worse than I am now, and he's only just in that place now

It's a weird one though, because although they were married, we've actually known each other twice as long, they got married when they'd only known each other 6 months, we knew each other 4 years before we got together 3 years ago, but anyway, my point is that we don't have to behave in the exact same way because although we're both facing up to the fact our partners were cheating, our relationships were/are different

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 07/03/2012 14:59

You don't have to feel or do anything in the same way - it doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong

Thank you, I was made to feel last night by my dad that I was wrong for not doing the same, god this is why I didn't want my parents to know, if I'd just told them the wedding was off and that was it they wouldn't accepted my decision, I hate them knowing this, it's so humiliating and seedy

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 07/03/2012 15:03

Of course people deal with things differently.

I suspect your dad is just worried that F will talk you round.

I think as long as you reassure him that this is not going to happen, and that you have to deal with this in your own way, he might back off.

Keep going Sars. Once the last people have been told about the wedding, you can step away from everything with a clean slate, and maybe even start to get excited about a different future.

bleedingheart · 07/03/2012 15:05

We all handle things differently. I think I would want some answers to as I like to 'order' things in my mind but on the otherhand there is nothing wrong with your brother's response if it suits him more. Keep being strong! I hope you get your money back on the dress!

Tolalola · 07/03/2012 15:08

Sars I've read this thread from the beginning, but didn't really know what to add. I just want to say that I think you've been really brave in a horrid situation.

I'm like you, I wouldn't have wanted my parents to know as I don't like the fuss, but try not to get angry with them - they are probably very very worried, and they love you and don't know what to do.

Original poster
Sarsaparilllla · 07/03/2012 15:09

Tbh I just said that I was a grown up, we all were and I would've prefered to deal with things in my own way, at my own time and in my own mind - and that it was my brother's decision, not mine that they knew

I know it's difficult as my brother is there but I wouldn't have chosen to tell my parents this level of detail :( :( but it's up to him as well, I can't be mad at my brother for the way he needs to deal with this

OP posts:
ifeelloved · 07/03/2012 16:38

Your parents are still getting to grips with it all as well. Its probably their messy way of trying to help you but just repeating that you are dealing with it in your own way - they'll soon get the message.

fabwoman · 07/03/2012 17:08

TBH there was no way your parents couldn't have known since he was messing around with their brother's wife.