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Original poster

Advice please if anyone's up

705 replies

losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:31

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:33

Even reading that I know the answer. What an u going to do? I've even said (never thought I would) that if he tells me, maybe we can work through it. But he's adamant he's done nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:35

Sorry, I just really need someone to talk yo

OP posts:
Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:36

See, I can't even type straight Smile

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girlsyearapart · 26/02/2012 05:36

So why did he smash it then?
Did you speak to the woman??

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:38

That's what I said. He said he did it in temper. I rang back ( the first time I hung straight up) I asked her if she was temp (the name on the phone) she said no, I asked if she knew dh, she said no, I apologised and hung up.

OP posts:
saladcreamwitheverything · 26/02/2012 05:43

Sorry lost I'm guessing there must have been some suspicion for you even to check the phone in the first place.

I don't like to think the worst before you've checked all possible causes, so, someone he calls to a base he works from? How long have the calls been taking place? Any other signs of secrecy? Is it plausible some else could have access to the phone?

girlsyearapart · 26/02/2012 05:44

Did he give a name of person he supposedly lent it to or just say 'someone at work'?

twolittlebundles · 26/02/2012 05:51

fuck. :(
If it is what it seems to be, he will be angry that he's been rumbled. She seems to know better than to identify herself when you call, which suggests that she knows about you. I am so sorry.
You don't have to do anything yet if you don't want to. Do you have any friends or family you could speak to who can support you?

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:54

There was suspicion, but it was for something else. I'm embarrassed to admit this, because I'm not the sort to be like that and check up. But to cut a long story short, he's been secretly smoking, I only found out last year, but he's been so secretive about it. I've found them hidden all over. I actually don't care about that, he told me its an addiction, and he's embarrassed about it. But I do care about the lies and secrecy. I've always 100% trusted him. Then the other week I was talking to a friend about it outside school, and another sort of friend (she comes to do my hair) overheard, laughed and said she knew because she's caught him outside out house, and he laughed and asked her not to tell me. So I asked him, expecting him to laugh and admit it, but he went absolutely mad and said she's lying. That threw me, I don't see why she'd lie about it, but why did he react like that.
So I'm ashamed to admit I was looking out of curiosity to see if he had cigarettes in there. I would've been honest and told him I'd looked, even if I didn't find any.
When I saw the phone I freaked. About 18 months ago, we were in the kitchen and he got a text, I was it was a topless photo of a woman. I said what's that, and he literally flew to his phone and deleted it. He didn't even look at it, I saw it because it was lying in the worktops. He said a workmate sent it, and he doesn't like stuff like that ad it can cause trouble. I was stunned by his reaction, any daft messages he'd usually show me. That's always niggled me.

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LittlePebble · 26/02/2012 05:54

Oh lost sorry it doesn't sound great, his reaction isn't in line with someone else using the phone. How is he behaving towards you now? X

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:55

Sorry, that was long

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Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:58

I don't know what to do, I'm going from mad to crying to mad. I don't even like feed dd in this state because she must be able to sense it. I need to keep it together for the boys and dd.

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Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:59

Completely serves me right for looking doesn't ut

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LittlePebble · 26/02/2012 06:00

Don't apologise!
He's quick to anger when you find he's keeping smoking a secret, and now quick to anger when you find a phone 'someone else has been using'?
If that was the case why would he be angry? He's showing the same behaviour he does when caught in a lie so by his reaction he seems to be confirming your suspicions Sad

FelicityElectricity · 26/02/2012 06:03

Try to keep a level head if you can for your kids. It's a lot for you to process and you don't have the full story yet. Sorry you're feeling like this.

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 06:03

He keeps saying he's so angry because the hairdressers lying (can't believe we'd fall out over something so stupid!) and now he keeps saying there's nothing he can do, I'll never trust/believe him. He says he doesn't want to lose us, we're all he's got.
I honestly think in going mad. I always thought if anything like this ever happened it would be over. It'll kill the boys, they're 3+ 5.
I honestly never would have thought he'd do this.

I only have my mum, and she's not close by.

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Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 06:08

I'm never going to have the full story am I? He's smashed the phone, and he's denying anything. I've asked him to phone the number and ask her about johnny (the man he says borrowed it) he said what will that prove. And I suppose he's right.

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twolittlebundles · 26/02/2012 06:08

Feed your dd as she'll get some comfort from being close to you, especially if things are tense and upset.

You need some RL support if possible. Has he offered any other info apart from someone else using the van?

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 06:10

No, he's just said someone from work has been using his phone. Dh works for himself, he goes into the same place every day.

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Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 06:11

Thank you do much for the replies. I wish I'd come on here last night. It's making me feel a bit less lonely.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 26/02/2012 06:14

The haidresser's not lying.

Why would she lie?

You already know he lies to you about smoking.

" now he keeps saying there's nothing he can do, I'll never trust/believe him"

Hmm

So instead of being honest now, he's trying to guilt trip you into going along with what you both know to be lies.

Tell him he's right - you'll never believe him until he starts being honest and he can shove his self-pity party up his arse.

twolittlebundles · 26/02/2012 06:15

As long as he's denying it, you'll be left to wonder. It is an awful feeling, but trust your instincts and don't allow him to bulldoze you into ignoring what your gut is telling you.

I have seen this reaction in person before, and it reeks of guilt.

Is Johnny single? If he's not then your H is landing him in a world of potential trouble.

Call your mum.

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 06:16

I have said that. I'm getting nowhere.

(on the plus side, in one day I seem to have lost that hard to shift 1/2 a stone Grin) see I still have my sparkling wit!

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twolittlebundles · 26/02/2012 06:22

funny how you can feel crap and still laugh isn't it?

You need to decide whose version you trust. His or the hairdressers. I agree that she has no obvious reason to lie though, and he does.

You've got nowhere workable to go with this unless he is honest, and if that isn't going to happen, I would say you need to get some space from him for a little bit. You'll achieve nothing helpful by both being in the house together with this in the air.

brandysoakedbitch · 26/02/2012 06:26

He is lying OP, no one over reacts like that if there is nothing to hide. Seriously; the calls have been made by him otherwise why would he smash it - it would have cleared his name? - if the phone belongs to someone else then he definitely has no business destroying it. Gut feeling counts for a lot in these sorts of situations. It is a common reaction for those in the wrong to be aggressive when they are caught out at something - I have literally been told (by my ex) that black is white and he tried to make me think I was off my rocker. I am so sorry for you though, a horrible time and not to be spent in your own. Do give you Mum a call and get some support in RL.