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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please if anyone's up

705 replies

losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 05:31

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 26/02/2012 06:28

Don't be fooled, honey, he's a low-down lying twunt.

Thing speaks with wise tongue.. follow her script and keep repeating it until he gets the message that you won't settle for anything less than the truth.

Amychanger · 26/02/2012 06:33

I'm another one who thinks he is lying too (benefit of hindsight and all that).

Sometimes you have to trust your gut instinct and his angry defensiveness just doesn't sit right with someone who was keeping a colleague's work phone.

So sorry you are going through this. Have you still got the number and can you ask him to call it with you sat listening on speakerphone?

izzyizin · 26/02/2012 06:39

Very convenient he thinks that he's smashed the phone. Have you retrieved the pieces and the sim card?

essexmumma · 26/02/2012 06:41

Oh OP - I am sorry but i think he is lying tooSad due to the way he reacted. People with nothing to hide and everything to save would go to any length to prove their innocence not smash up phones.

I 2nd getting some space, tell him you need space and he needs to go. I wonder if this in time might make him see what's at stake and then be honest. I really hope so. Give DD a feed and cuddle, it will help.

Hugs.

twolittlebundles · 26/02/2012 06:42

Agree with Amy about the defensiveness.

She won't say anything if you do call, or if you make him call her . She knows the game is up and she'll be totally on guard, waiting to hear from him or you or both.

Have you been able to sleep at all?

OnlyWantsOne · 26/02/2012 06:44

Oh you poor love. I think from the reading the op im afraid I make a very black an white assumption that he's having an affair

Especially given his reaction Sad

Have you got some one in RL to have the kids for you? Keep posting. Lots of helpful advice here x

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 06:45

No, I haven't slept. I'm still shaking. I've tried talking again, getting nowhere Sad

OP posts:
twolittlebundles · 26/02/2012 07:01

Stop talking with him for the moment if you can, it'll just wear you out, and with 3 dcs and no sleep, you don't need the stress.

Do you have any rescue remedy? A cup of tea and something to eat should help- you'll have to take care of yourself well today- the adrenaline will run out soon enough.

Can you get him out of the house?

Teaandcakeplease · 26/02/2012 07:02

Oh Lost I am so sorry. You must be reeling and feeling frightened. I had a lot of suspicions like you and my gut instinct was right. My Exh also reacted in anger when being found out. It got worse before I took decisive action. I think I lived in denial for quite some time, I was too afraid to look too closely at his behaviour and actions.

Can you get some space? I moved out to clear my head with the children after a while, as being in the same place as my exh was too stressful for me.

Sneezeblossom · 26/02/2012 07:06

How come the last call was so recent then? Retrieve the sim card and stick it in another phone.

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 07:14

The boys have just woken up and I've been watching them on the camera singing I can sing a rainbow in bed, god how to make me cry.

I know it sounds daft, but dh is clearing the loft this weekend, we've got builders coming tomorrow to do it up as another bedroom. I was dreading it as it is. But we can't go anywhere, nowhere to go.

I've tried the sim card in another phone, just so I can look at the calls with a clearer head, but it won't work. Don't know what good it'd do me either I think.

He keeps crying and swearing blind he lives me and doesn't want to lose me. He swears he's never cheated. I want to believe him do much, but I'm not an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 07:16

I really can't type today! Thank you do much for the support, I really do appreciate it. Never thought I'd write something like this in here.

OP posts:
Sneezeblossom · 26/02/2012 07:18

It would be proof, which would be important as he's denying it.

Seabright · 26/02/2012 07:24

How smashed up is it? As someone said up the thread, get the bits, especially the sim card

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 07:26

The phone really won't work, trust me I've tried. The sim card won't work in Amy if the phones I've pathetically tried.

We're done aren't we Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 07:26

Any, god any!

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 26/02/2012 07:27

Oh love I feel for you. It's hard enough with kids that young (I've got 4 under 4.5)
Maybe try to go out with the kids today to clear your head? Have you got any mum friends they can play with while you have a cuppa?

MrsMuddyPuddles · 26/02/2012 07:34

The "so angry he smashed the phone" thing bothers me. Is he frequently violent? Could you focus on that for a bit, convince him to go for concelling for that first, then address the cheating when he can talk to you like a grown up?

liveinazoo · 26/02/2012 07:36

oh honey
imo tempers are because been found outSad
theres always support on here if you need some
sending strength to be able manage dcs as well as for you

goingbacktowork · 26/02/2012 07:48

if the card is intact it will work in a phone - maybe you just need the right compay : orange, t mobile, vodaophone etc

learningtofly · 26/02/2012 07:57

Op I think I am with the other posters - it does sound highly suspicious.

If you give him the benefit of doubt and his mate had been using the phone I would expect him to either laugh (along the lines of Ho Ho what's he been up to now) or anger towards his mate for using the phone for personal reasons.

What seems wrong is his reaction of smashing the phone - if it was all innocent what good does that do? He would need it to confront his mate surely and yet his anger is directed at you.

Mind you I can't understand his need to lie about the smoking either, what does that achieve?

Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 08:03

I'm feeding my beautiful dd at the minute (petrified my milk will go due to stress, that can happen can't it?) then I'm going to have a shower ( which I never manage on a morning, always after dc's are I'm bed) and try to make myself feel a bit better for the day. I have no idea what else to do.

I need shopping for ds1's lunches at school, it seems mad that I've still got to do my everyday jobs, but maybe that's what'll keep me going for the time being.

He's not actually violent, trust me, that is something I wouldn't put up with, not for me, but definately not with children about.

I will look for some rescue remedy, thank you Smile.

It's an 02 card, and I've tried it on an 02 phone, maybe I'm being a bit thick. Isn't it the actual phone that records the calls though anyway? Not the card.

OP posts:
Original poster
losttheflickumdickumagain · 26/02/2012 08:06

I've a horrible pathetic feeling i'm just going to muddle on at the minute. I can't bear the thought of ds1+ 2, if I make their daddy leave. How crap am I?! I know I need to be strong for them, but this is so hard without really knowing what's going on.

OP posts:
twolittlebundles · 26/02/2012 08:14

the chores will help- they will at least keep a sense of normalcy for your dc's.

Messages and calls can be stored on the phone or on the sim card, it depends on the settings on the phone.

twolittlebundles · 26/02/2012 08:16

oh, and keep drinking water and feeding you dd, and your milk will be fine.