Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

So sorry OP

Its not looking good - I know how hard it must be, not knowing what to do. Hang onto the SIM for the time being though until you work out how to retrieve the info from it. Your H will deny deny everything and then only admit the very minimum (it was only once, just a kiss, she did all the chasing etc).

Trust your instincts - how are things at home? He is distant/critical? If so, how long has he been like this?

Oh OP

His reaction speaks volumes.

RL support now is important. Do you have a trusted friend that you can go toot confide in?

Take care of yourself

I don't know where the phone or sim card is now, u was a bit of a state yesterday, I've no idea where they ended up . He might have them now.

OK, you really need to get support from people in RL - do confide in someone today.

I've found the sim card. It's really hit me today that I have no close friends. I've told my mum.

I'm crap at cloak and dagger stuff. This seems ridiculous. I seem to be doing some sort of Cagney and Lacey thing (showing my age) with sim cards and phones, and it's all irrelevant really isn't it. My life with him has been a joke. It's not all an awful mix up.

Sorry if I'm not answering questions properly, heads a bit shed like today.

He has been more critical and distant, is that a sign? I thought he was just stressed with work.

So sorry for you. Take the advice of people on here and trust your instincts. In the short term, tell your husband to cancel the builders who are coming tomorrow as you cannot make any plans for the future and you will be seeking advice from a solicitor as soon as possible. Look after yourself today. Can you take yourself and your children to a friends for the day? You need some RL support. Take care.

Keep hold of the sim card. Surely 'Johnny' will be asking for it if it belongs to him .

If this is all completely innocent then there are several things your DH can do... The first being to call 'Johnny' on speaker phone with you standing in the room, to explain to 'Johnny' that his phone which he left in your DH's van accidentally got smashed. He can then ask his imaginary- workmate who is the woman that seems to be the only recipient of calls from that phone. But that hadn't occurred to him has it? Well it has but he won't do it. He will just keep bleating on about how you don't trust him, thus shifting the emphasis back onto you.

I would suggest you ask him to find somewhere else to stay for a couple of days until he's prepared to tell the truth and you've had a chance to check out that sim card properly.

Any chance you can visit his work first thing to speak to the supposed owner of the phone?

On a practical level make sure you drink plenty today, snack often and get the kids out of the house for a while for a walk in the park or even a wander round the shops.

You will get thru this, honest! x

Trust your instincts huni. I found texts on my ohs phone a few years ago. Turns out he was arranging to meet someone and even met with her. It took a huge amount of work to get thru it, and there are still times I want to check. He's not given me any reason to think he's cheated tho thank god. Xxx

Yes, the fact that he has been distant and critical is a huge red flag - if you think back to when it first started, that would be around when the affair began.

You are in shock and you will need time and space to process your thoughts. Is there any way you could ask him to go away to give you some time to yourself?

I'll be grand . Is it stupid that my real gut instinct is that he wouldn't do this? Am I being stupid? I really am having trouble believing this, that's why I needed unbiased opinions.

I answered a thread about which perfume you wear the other day, Christ things change quickly

Your heart thinks he wouldn't do this, after all he made vows on your wedding day and you trusted him 100% to be faithful. I know you want to believe he is not capable of doing this - otherwise you would not have married him and had children with him.

:( at what you are going through. Been there and got the Tshirt with the sim on it (funnily enough secret cigarettes were also part of the story)
OK. The reason he went apeshit about your neighbour is because he was phoning OW outside your house while having a fag.
One suggestion - from experience - is this - try and register the sim with whatever phone company it is on and see if you can get at the records.
He will continue to deny everything. Script part one ...
:) again

So sorry obviously meant :(:(:(

Probably not what you want to hear, but I think it's overwhelmingly likely that this is his phone and that he's been having an affair.

The reaction just doesn't add up any other way.

I think you know it deep down too.

You could retrieve the sim info, but it isn't going to change his story - unless content of texts might prove it has to be him.

The most effective way to sort this out would be to tell him that evidence shows you that he is having an affair, and to ask him to leave.

This doesn't mean that you split. The board is full of women who have muddled through at this stage, too scared to take a hard line. Life then becomes a mess of paranoia and uncertainty, and the relationship disappears in a sea of bitterness and distrust. It's only when there's an explosion- either proof appears OR the wife cracks and throws him out- that things can start to get worked out.

You know your husband is a liar who will try and bluster, bully and accuse others of lying to cover his tracks. Whether he's having an affair or not, that behaviour is going to kill your marriage, sooner or later.

Tell him you're as certain as you can be that he's having an affair. You're 100% certain that he's a liar (the smoking) so affair or not, you can't believe a word he says anyway. And you don't want to be in a relationship with a potential cheat who has so little respect for you and the family that lying is a way of life.

Tell him to leave, think about what he wants and to come back when he is ready to be honest about what's been happening in his life for the last few weeks/months. Tell him there us NO POINT in lying, if he lies now, WHEN you find out the truth, it will be divorce, no discussion, no second chances.

Harsh in the extreme and horrendously difficult to do especially with a baby. But I tell you, probably the ONLY way you will raise the ante here enough to shake this idiot into realising that he can't treat you like a dumb fool. Because that is what he is doing at the moment, and he thinks that that's all he has to do to get you to shut up and leave it.

Take the sim card into a phone shop. Lots of experts in there. At least then you'll know for sure (if the info is retrievable).

I agree with cancelling the building work. Having that going on would just stress you out more, I would imagine....

So sorry for you.

Very scary that his first reaction to all this things is to be violent. Do you feel intimidated and back down at all?

Don't tell him you found the sim card...

Being critical and distant is to justify having an affair from everything I have read on the relationship board.

If he goes my wife is amazing, adores me, we have fantastic sex, she is there for me, she is perfect etc then he can't justify what he is doing.

If his wife is 'nagging', 'ignoring', 'putting the children first', 'not having sex' etc then he can use that as a reason to go and have an affair to get the closeness he deserves. That he starts treating you this way makes you pull away from him in hurt and upset further justifies that he is right even when he causes it.

Will someone please explain why he keeps crying and telling me I'm his life when I ask him to leave? If he's been talking to her more than me, why's he upset? I don't get it.

Because suddenly he's realised what he's about to lose probably.

He's crying because he's been found out...and is trying to sway you.

If he is really remorseful then he would have told you the truth and admitted everything.

Because he means it.
He has no intention of even accepting the consequences of his actions let alone facing up to his responsibilities.
All the more reason for you to think of You.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants a nice home and children to come home to, plus a bit on the side for some excitement. He also obviously likes feeling in control of the situation - he had you where he wanted you unaware of what was going on, there to be a bit of an emotional punching bag when he felt like criticising you. That's why he smashed the phone and got so angry when you found the phone. It took the control and power over you away from him.

The first thing he has to do is tell the truth. The fact that he's still lying, and still trying to manipulate you (this time with tears) tells you all you need to know.

He is upset as he has been caught, an affair does not mean he does not want you, just that he was unhappy with a normal life and wanted something like a spark with someone else.

Its what married men miss, the initial spark of being with someone, the excitement, the anticipation. I read it on profiles on POF what married men are looking for, they don't want to lose their wives or even leave them they just want that bit extra thats missing from their marriage.

You found out and were never supposed to