Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

Lost, I've just read through your thread. You know how you want the truth? Well you wont get it, sorry, because his version of the truth will probably change daily, even to himself.
Their truth is "the truth of the moment" as I call it. I know you think you want facts, such as When Did They First Kiss, When Did He Start Lying, Why Did He Do It, but there are no concrete answers, and certainly nothing that you could believe.
As for the hands around your throat, words fail me. It doesn't matter if you were right in his face or how much you nagged him or how gobby you were. It doesnt matter if he didn't squeeze that hard, or if he "isn't usually violent"
You are minimising what he has done. It is what you do, to tell yourself it isnt that bad. I did it too. Imagine if your DC had witnessed and acted that out?
Even if your H never contacts this woman again, his morals and boundaries are worth nothing. He only feels guilty because he was caught, he only feels bad for himself, not for what he has put you through. If he never strays again, it will only be because he is too scared of getting caught.
There are several dirty great smears on his character that will never ever wash off. He is not a good man.
Lost, you could keep this relationship and marriage ticking along for ever, but he is so far beneath you now.
I suspect you know deep down that you would manage just fine.
We all fall apart at first, its normal, but we use the support networks around us, whether it's MN, or family or friends, or other online forums, to get through.
In putting ourselves back together we delight in our strength and show our children that while we are human, we take pride in our strengths and keep only the positive in our lives.
I wish you all the best, whatever you decide. I have been there and no-one can tell you or alter your feelings. It has to come from you.

Lost - I'm doing okay, thanks for asking. No, I don't have a thread - I didn't see any point. I've posted about it enough on MN to know what everyone will say - basically I'm an idiot because I'm still here and still putting up with the crapola...

The individual counselling you had sounds good but maybe you should have a different counsellor rather than one that knows the background with your H. A clean slate as it were so that you can discuss more than just the relationshiop and the reasons why you're scared of drawing a line by leaving him over this. I say that because I think that's what I need so its possible I'm projecting a little

Don't be scared - make that appointment with the solicitor and go anyway. You don't have to do anything with that information but by having it, you will feel more empowered. Make a plan, apply for jobs if you feel like it, make an appointment at the job centre about benefits - do anything that makes you feel like you can move this forward. Waiting for him to come clean is paralysing you and adding to the fear that you wont' be able to cope with a future without him. If it comes to it, you will cope and cope brilliantly. I'm scared too so we can clutch onto our straws of hope together x

I am ok lost. The children have just gone off with there dad. Just had a run in with him because he didn't feel it was important that our 4 year old was sat in his car seat with his seatbelt on. I set him straight was all. Twat!

I don't feel you are going to get the truth. Ok so am going to share a bit of my story that I haven't on my thread.... Around this time last year a came across a suspicious text message arranging a meet up, it was under a males name. It didn't sit right. I confronted my stbxh, he insisted it was not what it looked like. The story changed, it was a joke, he was winding someone up for a friend etc. Oh and of course he could not would not ever be having an affair, he loved me too much to do that. I had no where to go with it and all I got was denial. I carried this around with me last year, made it my mission to believe the unbelievable. Because of the suspicion I had and knowing the denial I would face, I knew how hard I would have to work to get to the bottom of things when I came across a flirty email this January. Again I got denial that anything was going on, I was told he was an idiot yes but he had never met anyone. I tuned into some kick ass detective and very devious with it(didn't know I had it in me). Pretending to be my ex I talked with the ow on his secret facebook account (an account he knew nothing about when I came across it and confronted him) and managed to trip the ow up and she spilled all. My point being I wouldn't have never known the truth of the sheer extent of my stbxh infidelity if it had been left for him to tell me. I still got denial and lies to the bitter end, even when I got to the point when I had got in touch with ow as myself (she still doesn't know it was me she was talking to on facebook but I feel I don't owe her that bit of information) and we were going to meet up. he still went down the route of telling me she was winding me up of course and he just couldn't do that to me because he loved me.

There was a part of me that wanted to believe his story when I found the text last year. I felt he didn't have it in him to be having an affair, he did have the time and was to goddamn lazy. Even though it went against everything in my head. I felt I couldn't break up a family with the little bit of evidence I had last year.

Are you happy lost? I just feel you are never likely to get the truth from him. My husband didn't want to leave or lose us. He was just a selfish nasty idiot along with a few other things.

You could keep this relationship going but I know how this messes you up. I know how it feels and I feel so sad to think about the person I became.

If you want to leave this behind you could do it, you really could.

It won't hurt to get a clearer picture by looking into your rights and seeing what your options are.

If it comes to the point you want to leave, you will cope.
Hugs x

Gosh sorry that was long

Omg lost...... Just read ur thread. I am absolutely horrified watching as ur chain of events unfolded! What an awful few months u have had! Absolutely disgusted with his actions as u conceived and bring up his dc. What wonderful advice u have had and lots of hand holding. I hope u are feeling a bit more stable and ur wonderful dc are ok (and getting over all the bugs etc) hoping he isn't still in contact with ow sending u lots of strength!! xxxx