Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

too little, too late ?

I think so AF. I keep thinking he's dating all the right things, but it's probably all bollocks. If I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he meant them, had made a mistake, was genuinely sorry and wanted to find out why he'd done it, and try and change, then okay, it'd be worth trying. But I can't believe a word he says anymore. 3.5 years of lying isn't a mistake, it's who you are. Am I wrong?

We went to relate this morning, and I ended up shouting at both of them.

I want to be able to say i've honestly tried, but I don't know that the hell
I'm we're trying to save. This isn't what I signed up for. Yes, we've both got faults, and I have been far from the best wife since we started having children. We did need a kick up the bum, but this is too much if one. I honestly don't see how we could ever recover.

I thought today of just telling him we need a break, and then see how we feel. But I know if we did this, deep down if never have him back. My dad left a few times when I was young, and I won't put my children through that. So to me, if I make him go, that's it. But still back at square one, he has nowhere to go, we're living till each payday, so no spare money, and it'd take ages for him to be able to go.

Sorry, saying all the right things.

Loads of typos again sorry, phone fingers

3.5 years of lying makes him a liar

living with a liar, who has killed your respect for him must be so hard

staying for financial reasons, in this climate, must be on the increase

well done, Cameron, for taking us back to the 1950's where women stayed because they had no other choice

I suspect though, flick, your choices are not really so limited as you think

if you really wanted to split, you would

Pathetic isn't it?! I read a thread on here for the first time last night, so he kissed a girl. And I swear I couldn't believe how alike the things are that men say. My h mirrored the things that ladies h said, about loving her, always loving her, wanting to be someone she and the children could be proud of. Is there a cheaters handbook they buy?

I'm finding it hard to actually break, because every time I say that's it, I can't/don't want you, my old h seems to appear, and be the most remorseful person I've ever seen. Then in the morning I kick myself for getting drawn back In. It's the what if? Then the, but can I live with what he's done anyway? Even if he is sorry.

I'm really really ashamed to say this, but I don't want to hide anything. Last week I was looking at the phone records, and I thought looking at them that he must have been thinking about her all day. I was thinking about it all day, and when the dc's had gone to bed, I spoke to him about it, things escalated and I started hitting him and couldn't stop. I know that's awful, and I've never done anything like that before. But it felt quite cathartic (if that's the right word). I can't believe I did it, and I hope I never do anything like that again. I can't believe how low I've stooped

Started hitting him with the printed phone records if that makes it sound any better

would you have ever stooped so low if it weren't for his actions ?

Sorry to read that things are still miserable (although good that your DD is ok).

I have to say that deciding to stay with my H after his affair has been/is one of the toughest decisions I have had to make. Even though he is one of the few men who are truely remorseful and is working very hard to change his flaws and address his issues, it is very hard for me to come to terms with what he has done.

No one would blame you for wanting to end things - you deserve so much more.

You did wrong to hit him, of course, but that only shows how impossible the situation has become.

You have to let go of this dysfunctional relationship, regardless of what he seems like sometimes.

I'd like to think I wouldn't have AF.

How do you ever know if they're truly sorry, or if they're just saying the right things? This is actually just out if curiosity. I'm sure my h is just sorry I found out.

I dunno < serious answer >

just wondered

it's a huge "wonder" isn't it ?

bottom line though, if you don't trust his approach and he makes you unhappy....

Ah... So he kissed a girl thread, that would be me :)

Hey lost,I was only thinking about how things were going for you the other day. Really pleased to see you back on here. I didn't post much because I was in my own jumbled world. But I was following this thread.

Pleased to hear your dd has recovered well.

It took me quite some time to get to the point where enough was enough. It's not easy. And I needed to explore all the options.

But staying with a lying cheating husband was not worth the damage it was doing to me. I was getting dragged down. The relief I felt when I started to put the whole sorry mess behind me was incredibly.

I truly understand there shear despair you must be feeling. But this seems to have got to a point where it is not healthy for you or anyone involved? Do you really want to let this keep torturing you?

The similarities in this type of man's behavior is very scary.

No matter how sorry my stbxh said he was, I didn't need that kind of love.

Thinking of you, keep posting x

Hi Lost - I'm so pleased to see you've plucked up the courage to post again and to hear that your DD is fit and well (sick bugs allowing).

You sound so tortured and angry - I recognise that anger. That fury that grabs you literally by the throat every time you look at them. It subsides for a while when you find yourself fitting back into the normal routine but then when the slightest thing reminds you of the lying and the selfishness, it overwhelms you completely.

I understand that it feels cathartic to let him see that anger - as if you're hurting him the way he's hurt you. But forget the effect on him for a second - it's not releasing your anger because the anger's still there. It's building up for the next time it covers your eyes and your heart to what you feel. You feel angry because you feel helpless. And you're helpless because there's no motivation to move on. You haven't had the truth from him, you haven't made a plan for yourself, you haven't even decided whether you wish to give this man the privilege and honour of being your husband for the next five minutes let alone the next fifty years.

I'm going to suggest something completely different which may make you go but bear with me! Have you thought about seeking counselling for yourself, just as an individual? It seems to me that you've got whatever you're going to get from H in terms of honesty and working towards a healthier marriage. Maybe you don't believe him because you don't know where you want this to go - in that sense he can't help you, only you can. All that anger, that sadness is just symptomatic of your messed up head - that's not a criticism of you. It's just my perception of what H has done to you in terms of turning upside down your perfect world and your perception of your perfect marriage. You need to come to terms with your loss. It's like a bereavement - you need to grieve and counselling can help you grief and help you turn that anger into a fight to change things - with or without your H.

The weirdest thing about counselling is that they barely talk to you - you literally just offload everything onto them and then once you've said it out loud, you get a chance to think about why you feel that way. It's not a magic solution but it may help you with certain aspects of self control and fixing your mind in the direction you want to go. Get yourself to the Doctor anyway - they can refer you. I had a short course of counselling - even with a small baby it's possible. You can have a session over the phone if it's impossible to get to the doctor's.

If it makes you feel any better, it's all gone to shit with my H as well! For different reasons, but he's still a gigantic twat so I'll be taking my own advice (a bitter pill to be sure) and getting myself down to the docs in the next few days!

grief grieve greive

ffs be sad

How do you ever know if they're truly sorry, or if they're just saying the right things? This is actually just out if curiosity. I'm sure my h is just sorry I found out.

Look at his actions - remember its so easy to say pretty words but if he is not backing these up with actions, these are meaningless.

I would also look at his behaviour - he has shown some really scary behaviour and this I would not tolerate at all

Finally think about how he is making you feel now - do you feel loved and respected?

Does it really make a difference whether he is sorry or not?

I just think it is too late to be sorry. And I understand you losing it with him, :( If it has come to this I dont see anyway way back, just forwards..... :) And that will be so much better.

Hello, sorry I haven't replied yo anyone earlier, ds2's been poorly today (it's never ending!) Inside the car does not smell good, no matter how much I scrub it!

Momentarilylost, yes, it was your thread . I can't believe all you had to go through , you have done amazingly well. I'm so sorry to read about all your turmoil though. You are doing fantastically, I wish I was as strong as you. Hope your days are getting better and better x

Prue I'm sorry things have got worse for you . I'm sorry if you've got a thread and I haven't seem it, I must admit I don't always read them all as they make mine hit home more sometimes if you know what I mean. Hope you're okay. I have been for one counselling session on my own, it was with our relate lady, but it just seemed to
Make me worse (or better, not sure which). She said that I know what I want, and I do, but he won't give it so that's it.

It does make a bit of a difference if he's sorry I suppose, if I'm honest. Not to us, it's just that he should be, at least sorry for what this is doing to the children.

We've had a blazing row (again!) he says I won't give him a chance to prove himself, and I've admitted I won't. There's no point whatsoever when he still can't admit time things been going on.

I know what I'm scared of, losing the house, not being able to pay the bills, I live in the middle of nowhere, I won't have a car etc. But I know that's no reason to stay. Ds1 is such a homebody, he hates change, and if we lose the house. It'll upset him do much. But I know that living like this is worse. H is looking for somewhere to live now (if he mentions the bungalow at the bottom of our street again I'll swing for him again ).

This will get easier won't it? I've never ever been so scared.

Have you looked into what help you could be entitled to at all, if you wanted to leave? It really helps to have that information.

I was surprised. Although things are not straight forward for me at the moment. There is a net as such.

Has he given you a clearer picture of what has been going on, and is it one you believe?

Keep strong my lovely because you are strong even if you don't feel it right now.

No I haven't yet prue, I don't even know where to start .

He's still adamant nothing actually happened. I actually believe he doesn't want to split up, but for some reason he won't/can't tell me the truth about what's been going on. He says I'm putting him into an impossible situation.

I can't understand how he can do this to the children, when he knows that it would've made a difference at least if he'd come clean and been sorry. He acts it, but without the truth it's pointless.

Hope you're okay prue x

Sorry, I meant momentarily, I keep posting from my phone and I can't look at the thread as I'm posting! Shedhead at the minute is an Understatement!

sorry momentarily, I hope you're doing well, I was going to look at your thread again last night, but it turned into ww3 here x

lost you may be doing it subconscioulsy but neglecting to look into how you could manage without him is self-sabotage, my love