Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

Sorry if I've missed something vital here but if he's smashed up the phone is the sim card still with the pieces? Because surely he can just put the sim card in another phone and away he goes again - sorry not very technical minded but smashing up the phone was the easy part wasn't it?

I think part of the thrill for men who do stuff like this is having one over on their wives. It makes them feel powerful.

what would you like to happen

do you think if the worst is realised that you want to work through it, both of you, and make your marriage stronger?

i think what i would do is say look i need to know the truth or else we cant ever work through it/get past it. if you cant be honest, i need you to leave (if thats what you want)

or else you can say right we draw a line under this but if you ever do anything like it again, thats it

or you can say no I have had enough, leave (or you leave)

whatever happens, obviously you will still need to see him regularly because of the kids, so thats something to bear in mind as well

I don't think a man like this is ever going to change. Not given how deeply wedded he is to his lying. If he gets away with it and they have another go, he's going to do it again and again and again.

I've told him he either tells me, or he gies

Oh OP im sorry, its not nice to find something like that. TBH if i'd found another phone of DP's that I didnt know about id have looked too!

I agree with the others that his reaction looks bad. If it was his 'mate' using the phone then surely he'd have laughed and joked about it.

Cancel the builders. It might cost you a bit, but you don't need the stress right now.

I would tell him that you have proof he's lying and you need him to leave. Tell him when he is ready to tell you the truth, you will listen to him, but until then he needs to stay away. Tell him you will tell the boys he is working away this week (they are young enough to believe that, even if he doesn't usually do it).

Do not let his tears or protests sway you.

His reaction has said it all for him :(

I know how ridiculous this sounds, but he's the last person anyone would expect to do this. I suppose everyone says that.
He doesn't want to leave, but says he won't admit to something he hasn't done. This is unbelievable.

I don't even know where to start financially on my own. I haven't worked since we had children, how will I while they're so young? Everything's a mess.

The crying is normal.

Even ex who had threatened to leave before managed to threaten to kill himself if DS and I didn't return home. The crying proves nothing.
If he is having an affair, he definitely doesn't want to lose you. Otherwise he would have left by now.
Besides, these men hate being dumped.

Have you checked his usual phone? If he got the picture she will have his usual phone number.

Tell him he admitted it when he smashed the phone, and now all that's left is dealing with the aftermath.

Yes - 'he's the last person' is a very normal thing to think/feel/say :(

Of course he doesn't want to leave, he's not being asked what he wants he's being told what he needs to do. Tell him that if he does not go today, there will be no 'working it out' at all ever and you will file for divorce tomorrow. You have to be brave here.

Tell him that by smashing up the phone he has already admitted it. If it had been 'Johnney's' he would have just said 'That's not mine, what's on it??'

Oh dear.
He is lying. Of course he is.
I cannot abide a liar, it must be said.

You won't be able to sweep this under the carpet in the long term anyway. It will nag and nag at you. His lies, deceit, and the fact that even when cornered, he lashed out and kept up the lie.
The trust is obliterated now of course.
You cannot trust him because he cheats and lies.

His tears are only for himself.

Stay strong - you are doing really well.

Make him go.

You'll get the truth, eventually, but only by making him sweat.

The crying - think of a child's frightened reaction to being caught in the wrong - I didn't do it mummy, I would never do that, I love you, bwaaah!

He's crying out of utter fear that he's busted and now he is utterly fucked. DON'T make the mistake of thinking the tears are for you - they're for him.

It's overwhelmingly likely that he never had any intention to leave, he just fancied a bit on the side. To have his cake and eat it, to have wifey still there raising his kids and washing his pants and making his dinner, with new thrilling shag on the side giving him a bit of the fun he probably reckons he deserves and doesn't get much of these days (you've just had a baby, yes? Depressingly common time for a slimebag to start casting his eye around).

So. Your lovely H is crying because he is shitting his pants at the thought of losing his home, his kids, the respect of his friends and family, for a woman he probably doesn't give a crap about. He is crying because he is going to pull out every fucking stop as hard as he can to make you feel sorry for him and believe the lies he is feeding you. He is crying with utter fear because he never thought for a moment you'd find out because he is so used to lying to you and getting away with it, he is so used to having zero respect for you that he cannot believe he might actually have to face the music.

I truly hate these kinds of men. I feel so sorry for you OP.

Hi Lost - I hope by your silence on this thread you're getting some answers from your H about his goings on. I was in your shoes in an almost identical situation 7 years ago. I found out H was texting another woman by checking his mobile phone bill. A year later I found a secret phone which he'd used to text the same woman. Two years later I found out that he'd been calling her four or five times a day. Recently I found out that he'd met up with her.

His reaction was almost identical to your H's when I found his secret phone - he was so angry at the perceived invasion of his privacy and totally cut up at the idea that I might believe that he cheated. To this very day he says that he didn't cheat.

I've spent the last seven years trying desperately to find some peace of mind. I have a recent thread in AIBU where I'm questioning his relationship with our babysitter FGS. My advice to you - call him on it now. Don't let it lie. If your family is important to you so you should value your mental health above all else. You can't carry on not knowing what's gone on - you can't rely on him to tell you the whole story. If you don't try to find out now, you won't be able to move on whether that's with him or without him.

Hopefully you called the number saved in his smashed up phone from another phone. Call her back. Even if she feeds you a pack of lies, you will have done your best to find out the truth now, while it's still fresh. I so wish I'd done all those things people tell you not to do - followed him, hired a private investigator, checked every single nook and cranny of his car/the house to find evidence to put my mind at rest and let me know I wasn't going mad. I could have made a decision based upon my understanding of the facts rather than H's latest story.

I was fooled for over 5 years by my h's internet infidelity, despite finding constant photos. This is because a) he was the last person on earch I would have suspected, and he was always very headshaking about the foolish behaviour of colleagues who had affairs, b) it did not fit at all with his ethos or values or personal style, and c) he got very angry when accused and beahed as though shocked I could even think it of him.

When I was about to leave and he finally admitted it after 3 weeks at Relate (denying for the first three), he told me that he was alternatively either very patient and 'understanding' about my accusations, or angry, according to how prepared or defensive he felt each time he was caught, and because he was desperate not to have to admit it. And each time he got away with it, it made him bolder and more sure that I would never find out or be able to prove- he relied on my 'niceness' and unwillingness to put my foot down and insist he was a liar.

I would say now that the angry reaction, and destroying the evidence, the 'easy explanation', the fact it was in his van, the history of lying and secrecy (including getting people who knew you to collude with him), and the desperate tears and fears he has now, are all very bad signs, and increase the likelihood he is lying.

Paranoid, why are you staying with a bastard like that? He's treated you appallingly.

And Lueji is right, men who do this sort of thing are always very afraid of being the one who is left, rather than the one who does the leaving. It is a control/self esteem thing.

No answers, he's come up with another explanation which is beyond belief now. I bought a phone, I can't find anything with the sim card, everything must have been on the phone. And she won't answer now.

This is so hard with the bairns, they know something's up, and I can't get my head straight to even play with them properly .

Are you still with him paranoid? I'm do sorry for you too . Can I ask why you didn't leave? (if you haven't)

lost - what a shame that there is nothing on the sim and that he is still telling lies. I would stop servicing him - no cooking, washing etc and tell him to leave until he tells you the truth.

*unless (not until)

His response by smashing up the phone is your answer.

What you do now is up to you--but he is clearly lying. He probably thinks by denying it and as you now have no proof you will let it drop,

Please don't believe him, you deserve better

Oh dear,' it was on the phone when I bought it' is one of my h's ones too- ie the second hand phone contained info which others forgot to delete.

The thing is, that wouldnt make a sim on work, would it?

And anyway, it shows he was lying at first when he said it wasnt his phone. Since he now admits it is his, why did he hiide it then?

And if he has a truthful explanation, why does he keep wildly throwing around new possible explanations?

Sadly, this may be tricky, as the next thing is that he will admit tiny bit by tiny bit, until finally you wonder what you wont ever know.

Its funny cos my dh used to lioe to me about smoking for a while before he had an affair. She was the same age as one of our ds I had seen lots of numbers on his phonebill rang it and a girl answered but hung up.He told me he was on drugs and that was his dealer,not true but hed rather that than admit to an affair. My ds eventually found out and i confronted him.He did have the decency to admit it and then to leave when i asked him to. He also cried alot. Like you i couldnt believ it,he was the last person id ever expect that from. We had been together 18 yrs and had 3 ds and had just had our longed for babay girl.
I decided for me it was the only option to split up with him.I simply couldnt imagine how we would ever move on and couldnt bear a life of doubt and never feeling good enough. It was i believe the easiest option.
I wont go on apart from to say i was fine,so were the children and i actually benefited massively from the change.
It does sound as if he is guilty tbh,take all the time you need,if you decide to split,call in friends and family for support and get yourself to citizens advice.
I personally would have had more respect for him if he had fessed up and had aconversations about it.