Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

Is your son aware that his dad has a girlfriend?

Ps- don't think you can stop him self destructing and taking your marriage and family as it is with him. You can't, the process is already underway. In fact that's what needs to happen if there's ever to be a reconciliation or positive relationship in the future. You can't put a sticking plaster over this. Or you'll be living in a long slow explosion for however long. Let him burn, but protect yourself and your kids, and as far as you can their relationship with him. But try to forget your relationship with him. There's nothing to understand, I doubt any of it is your fault and you can't fix it. It's just one of the horrors that life can bring, people are flawed and vulnerable and he's succumbed. All you can do is think of yourself and be as true, kind, honest and loving as possible to you.

No, it's my fault about the girlfriend comment. I tried last night to talk to him (Ben) about mummy and daddy not living together, I tried to make it sound fun, like an adventure. I really don't remember how a girlfriend came into it, I think Ben asked if he'd got one. Then I jokingly started singing urgh, daddy's got a girlfriend, to make him giggle (it did) It's something we do when he tells me he's been playing with girls at school.

He's only finally admitted it at about 4 this morning, I came down and said either tell the truth or don't come home from work tomorrow. He says it's not an affair, they're just friends. 14 months of texts. Obviously I don't believe it. He's petrified of losing the dc's. As far as I can see I've got 3 options, 1- he ends it, and we try to make a fresh start (can't believe i'd consider it, but I would for my children) but for that to happen, I'd need to know the truth, even speak to her. Can't see no1 being an option to be honest. 2- we're done, but we still live together, for financial reasons and obviously the dc's. 3- he goes.

I might sound stupid and weak with those, I am at the minute, I really don't know if I'm coming or going. But after reading things on here, I started thinking practically last night, I have 3 children 5,3 + 1 (only last chuffing week!) I've never claimed benefits, we've got a mortgage, his business loans, the car isn't ours, he convinced me to sell ours and get them onlease from a place he works at. Said we'd never have any car worries/running costs then. I have no idea how I'd pay the bills/mortgage,

I don't even know where to start. How did I get to this at 38? Before him I was completely independent, working for myself. 10 years later I can't stand on my own bloody feet. I'm so scared. I just want my innocent, beautiful children to be okay. That's all I care about now.

Re your options - do not make any long term decisions, you need a lot of time and space to process your thoughts and feelings.

However can I bring up the following points about your options?

1. This won't work unless he tells you everything, cuts all contact with OW and fights really hard to win you back, doing everything he can to repair the damage.
2. Do you really think your DCs won't notice the atmosphere at home and see how unhappy their mother is? It will damage them and their views of healthy relationships.

You need to find out what you are entitled to - tax credits, benefits etc and visit a solicitor to see what your legal rights are. This will help you come to a decision about your future.

I would read other affair threads on here (greyriver's thread is a good one) and do some reading (Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends).

Go and see at least one solicitor, the first half hour should be free. Get an appointment with CAB. Make sure you have copies of all the bank statements and insurance policies etc.,maybe give the copies to someone safe outside the home. This includes copies of any business paper work you can.
You can survive without him, and he needs to realise this, whatever your final decision is, don't make any decisions just out of fear.

He's still lying isn't he - telling you as much as he thinks you need to know.

Remember the "won't admit to something he hasn't done", as if his lies were done on principle. How dare he manipulate you like that.

I am absolutely enraged at the way he has lied to your face and attacked you when you could obviously just see the truth of what he'd been up to. You deserve better than this complete fuckwit.

How are you feeling?

You need to tell someone in real life who will support you. Someone who won't make excuses for him or tell you that you need to stick with him for the sake of the children.

Infidelity is grounds for divorce. That's the bottom line. He broke the marriage vows, therefore your marriage contract has been voided.

I think he is still lying, too.

They usually do, at first.

Friends dont get texted 10 times a day, and there is no need to hide them, or lie about them.

read this book www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

they won't be "Just friends" . it won't end.

it's very easy to see this in the terms of your three options, but it's really far more complicated than that. if you do number one, he won't do it. they'll creep back to texting each other, it'll be all the more exciting for the doomed unrequited love aspect of it. number two and you and all your kids are living in a long slow car cash of a marriage. number 3, maybe but you need to be strong and conclusive. this needs to blow up before it resolves. He needs to really lose everything before anything can be mended or resolved.

you need to understand that he has got himself into a situation that he can't control, that he is panicking, unsure, mentally unstable and that he doesn't know what he wants from one minute to the next. Don't believe a word he says, he's not the man you know and married anymore, he'll be feeling invincible and full of anger towards you for breaking his bubble one minute, full of self loathing and remorse and fear the next. you're dealing with a mentally unstable person. Detach and self preserve, seek out support and do practical things. Don't listen to a word he says

Sorry, I wrote all that before, and now I'm crap again. Comes in waves doesn't it?

I'll get that book on my iPad today.

Does he love me at all, or did that go long ago? Pathetic needy question I know.

I had to tell the boys teachers this morning, because I know they're feeling it.

You haven't screwed up the children.
If anyone has, your still H has.

But I am a believer in telling the children the truth and as soon as possible. Hiding these things and lying to them is what screws them.

I have done that with DS, without actually telling him how bad I think of his dad. But knows well the reasons for us being separated and why I don't allow him to be with his dad unsupervised.
So far he actually seems better than when dad was at home.

After the initial shock, children do recover quickly. But it may actually help them if you have a clean break now. If you continue living together it may actually confuse them and lead them to believe you two may go back together.

i don't think it'll really be a question of love right now, and even though you need to ask these things for your self esteem and sanity, you aren't going to get any answers you can trust right now. the man will have his head so far up his own arse with fear, self loathing and denial that i doubt he could love anyone.

So sorry to hear your suspicions were correct.
Hope you have confided in someone you can talk to in RL

I'm so sorry.

It's not a case of him 'not loving' you - it's that his idea of love is fundamentally deficient. He will be able to say quite honestly that he 'loves' you (and I'm sure he is doing so) - doesn't make him keep his marriage vows or be honest with you or pay you any respect. Ask him how, if he loves you, he could do this to you and his children, and he'll whine on about 'making a mistake' and be full of how he can 'win you back'

Well, if he'd cherished you in the first place he wouldn't have to win you back, would he?

Re decisions:
-take it at your own pace. There is no rush to decide. But have SPACE FROM HIM and his guaranteed manipulation and emotional blackmail that is to come. Make him leave, take some time for things to sink in and then start thinking about what you want to do.

-don't make decisions out of fear. Many women have faced what you face and are stronger and happier and managing financially. See a solicitor and find out HOW you could manage if you choose to. He would have to contribute massively, 3kids, you SAHM - you would be fine.

• don't make decisions based on guilt as you face a five year old. Firstly, this is not your fault. Secondly, it is never never never a good idea to stay for the sake of the children.

Remember your H is a horribly practiced liar.

Remember you call the shots now.

Don't keep this quiet from close friends and family - the only person to benefit from that is HIM, while you miss out on support and understanding.

It does come in wave, yes. At the start, they're close together but they will ease as you all get used to the new version of your life. I think the hairdresser friend is a good start for getting some real life support- when you tell people, you'll feel less alone. That's important.

14 months, 10 texts a day and just friends? I would be very surprised if that was really the case. I think he's still lying to you, I'm sorry.

There is some great advice here, and I think it is worth considering. There is a lot of help you can access through the CAB, and they will give you an idea of what you can expect in terms of assistance.

No need to make a big decision yet- consider this your week of research. All you have to do this week is find out everything you need to know to make whatever decision you go with. Researching will give you strength.

You can do this- and good on you for looking after your dc's so well through the chaos.

He's just shown me a message from her. I asked him to speak to her and ask if she'd talk to me. He phoned me today to tell me he'd tried, but it kept diverting. I know that's true because I'd pathetically been trying myself. Just to see if I could get any truthful answers, not that I'm sure it matters now. He'd sent her a text, asking for her to talk to him because his marriage was falling apart, she'd ignored it, so he'd sent another saying he'd thought she was a friend, she sent a very long sweary reply back, telling him to stop texting/phoning, by the end of today she'd have got rid of that number. His wife had obviously put 2+2 together and come up with 4 (don't get that, doesn't it mean I'm right?) she wouldn't be in the middle of being accused of having an affair, look at what Greg did to me last year, if you'd told your wife what I got in touch for 15 months ago this wouldn't have happened. If this is the way you treat people you care about, I'd hate to be your enemy. And I feel sorry for you because you've lost a really good friend!
Those weren't all the exact words, but that's the gist.

I think I really am going insane. You're all right, yesterday I kept trying to decide what to do. I don't have to decide this minute, I can take a few days at least. I've stopped being sick, and I can actually stomach food now, so I don't feel as bad.

Thank you so much got the help and support.

She's married, then. All that frankly mad bluster is a mixture of a panicked response from someone not very bright by the sound of it (yes, the saying is got 2+2 and made 5, not 4, as 4 would mean you had it correct ) and having a 'back off' text she can show her husband.

Yes they've been having an affair - you can smell the panic in that text. Think about it - if they were innocent friends, it's just not the kind of response that would be forthcoming - she might be awkward, apologetic, mortified - but who rants like that to a normal friend? (And who carries on a 14 month intense platonic friendship without once mentioning her to his wife and having a secret phone to conduct said 'frienship'...)

He is now not only lying like a carpet but trying to manipulate your emotions to pull the wool over your eyes. Get him out so you can have that breathing space and decide what you want to do.

I think you should take a little break now from churning it all up.Gibe the kids some calm time and have a good think about what to do next. You have no hurry to do anything. Maybe start with some legal advice or find out about benefits.
The children will be fine if you handle it well. One of my firts thoughts was "my kids will not suffer cos of his behaviour" I didnt even tell them he had an affair just spun them the we arent getting on line. I was nice to him when they were around and even had him for lunch and xmas the first year.
I did all that not because im a good person but because i knew that if i was going to bring up 4 kids alone i didnt want them to have any ishoos to make life an harder. In doing that i gave myself something to concentrate on.

I promise you will be fine,i didnt even care if i dies for the first few days but within a few months i was enjoying my new relaxed carefree life.
This time in 6 months you will be on here giving advice to others

at typos sorry.

So sorry op

Have been following your thread and just wanted to offer my support xx

Lost, it sounds as though you are at least getting more information to work with, which is good. Glad you are able to eat again- if you can, try and rest a little and eat well while you are taking those few days.

You'll know when it's time to make a decision.

In any situation like this I give only two pieces of advice:

Don't believe anyone elses account unless they can provide credible proof and even then think with your head not heart. Some people will talk just to hear themselves speak and see your expression as they twist the knife.

Don't put your partner on the spot as there may be more (or less) to it than it seems. Happened to me a long while back where I had to work with a really good looking client for my friend as he was busy and I owed him a favour.

This women was what you would call "blonde" never had a clue about her computer and even when I set-up her website and explained it all to her she would take you right back to the beginning. Anyway, when the GF came round and and saw us constantly together and my call records it could be seen as nothing other than an affair - but it was no such thing.

I really can't thank you all enough for the advice and support. It really is helping me. I've always known I've no really close friends (people are strange, I've always preferred dogs ), but I've been okay with that. I have friends, but no-one really close anymore. I'm not very good at asking people for help either, you just manage don't you? A lovely friend that I've met at school has noticed I seem a bit off it, so I confided in her this morning. She was lovely and has offered to be there if I need to talk.

I still don't know if I'm coming or going. He's so adamant that it was nothing, but he still knows it was wrong. He won't stop telling me how much he loves me, and pathetically, I'm still grateful to hear it. Although I'm not telling him that.

My gut really says he wouldn't do this, but he also wouldn't have a hidden phone would he? I know I just want to believe its all a horrible mistake.

I'm going to phone my mum later, and ask if she can come for a couple of days while I seek legal advice. At least if I know where I stand, things might seem less scary.

I can't stop thinking why he did this? He can't have been getting what he needs from me. I know it's hard once you have children, but you know that. It's the life you've chosen, and we're so lucky to have our beautiful children. I always hoped when the dc's got a little older, we'd maybe have more time for each other, like we used to. I know I've let myself go, I never used to go out without hair and make up on, now I'm basically just clean and tidy! I know none of this excuses what he's done though. I'm just waffling.

On the plus side, I'm now in my pre dc jeans, size 10!!!!! Who needs diets, cheating husbands all the way .

People do not conduct normal friendships using a hidden phone. He has been having an affair.

Yes, get legal advice.

'He can't have been getting what he needs from me' - err, no. What would he need exactly that you have been failing to provide? And ask yourself, if he started failing to be the husband you wanted him to be, would you a. Talk to him and make it clear that things weren't good and could you reassess, or b. Take up with a bloke from the pub, crack out one of his old mobiles, hide it in your pants drawer and spend half your life texting him behind your husband's back (and more)?

That's right, as a WIFE your duty would be, if you weren't happy, to do the former. Seems he's the one who has failed YOU. Twisting this to make it your fault so that you can create a reality in which he's still that faithful, blameless, strong person you can rely on - it is a big, big mistake. Because he ISN'T that person. Not for you OR your children.

Unsurprisingly, having this shitbag still in your face, manipulating, blackmailing, i love you i love you i love you i love you is having the effect he hopes it will - literally sending you round the bend with contradictions. Until you let it go, and he gets away with it like the rat he is.

I would not do this, as it will come back to bite you on the bum. You know what kind of a man he is, now. Please get some space from him, get advice and take your time in letting what has really happened here sink in so that you can make an INFORMED decision on how to handle the fact that you are married to a man like this.