Advice please if anyone's up

[losttheflickumdickumagain]

Cant believe I'm asking this, I think I know I'm clutching at straws.

Yesterday I found an old mobile in my husbands van (I never usually go I there). There were literally loads of calls made, as many as 10 a day up until 5:20 (he gets home around 5:45) I rang the number and a woman answered.

We have 3 dc's aged 5 and under. My world has just dropped from under my feet.

He's smashed the phone in temper, and he's saying someone at works been using it for the last couple if weeks. He swears he's not been having an affair.

I am clutching at straws aren't I?

not work, i mean

Either go into a phone shop or into a computer repair shop and ask for help. If they can't help you, they will be able to tell you who can.

Is he staying it was his old phone which a friend borrowed? In which case why was it in his van? Or had his friend just borrowed it to make the odd call? In which case why were there 10 or so calls per day?

It doesn't make sense, does it, OP?

Where was his phone? Was it on the dashboard or hidden?

I think he had the woman's name down as a certain name and she knew that if anyone asked for that name, she should deny everything.

Do you know the number of the phone? I lost my phone years ago (it was just a PAYG) and Virgin (I think) told me the numbers that had been dialled since I lost it. That's an option if you know the number.

But Ledkr, they usually dont, do they? Even OW usually say that the men wont leave.

They dont admit it because the fear change-

-They dont want change
-Their marriage IS in fact meeting some of their emotionally and physical needs, as they see it

• They know damn well that the OW may not work out
• it may be only sex/ a fling or flings

-Family life is comfortable, if sometimes dull -They dont want their kids to find out -They dont want the financial consequences -They may have nowehere to live, or a crappy bedsit etc etc (one of my own h's reasons)

No they dont five I have to say depite everything i do have some respect and gratitude for how he behaved,he left easily and took a pittance for the house, So he fecking should have though,he watched me give him 4 kids and go through breast cancer,its not my fault he fancied a change,or the childrens.
They are cheatin arses arent they? Is it just being on here or is it all too common?
Dh has loads of "mates" who cheat.Fortunately he doesnt go out with them much.I do trust him but he knows where i stand on it,tbh i dont think id bother again if he did.I quite like the idea of it just being me snd the dc's and maybe a cat and sky tv

I know I'm going on, but thank you so much for the responses. I've never really asked for help on here, I've always been more of a lurker. But without close friends, even though I haven't had the chance to respond, I've been looking on here throughout the day, and I'm so grateful to you all for taking the time to reply and try to help a stranger.

We've got absolutely nowhere. To be honest I now know we won't. He won't admit it, and his latest change of story is hurtful and beyond belief. If anything, now he's made it worse.

I don't know him at all. He's definately not the person I thought I married. I've told him to leave, we've no future, and I truly mean that, I don't even care what happened anymore, what you see with me is what you get, I don't do lies, never have. But when he stormed out, I tried to tell Ben (ds1 who's 5), that his daddy would be staying somewhere else, and I tried to make it sound fun, and like an adventure, but he broke down about us not living in the same house. I know I'm crap. But I've never done this before! I was so worried about him, because he's such a sensitive little soul. He was having none of it. So I've promised him mummy and daddy will be here, and we'll be friends. My husband knows we're over, but I can't break Bens little heart.

Have I done wrong?

Maybe I should also clarify, the phone was an old one of mine. Sorry if I didn't say that earlier.

Twolittlebundles, I got some rescue remedy to try, thank you .

You will break Ben's heart even more living in a poisonous atmosphere. He will adapt, kids are very resilent, Don't fool yourself into thinking you can live together amicably. It won't happen.
If you are sure about splitting do it now before your DC's get any older.

Keep your chin up

I agree with Doha.

There's no way you can reconcile this.

Had he come clean when first challenged, there might have been an outside chance of saving it.
Now you know what an inventive and persistent liar he is, and liars cannot be trusted. Therefore the respect is gone. Therefore the attraction.

If you are thinking of your child first, then bear in mind that you can both still parent effectively, apart.
No child benefits from being the glue in an unhappy marriage.

That's what's bothering me. I've always said never stay together just for the children, they can see everything. Maybe it's just too soon. I'm sitting here feeding dd , thinking I can't live like this. It won't work will it. And it's not healthy for the dc's to see. I'd hate them to grow up thinking this is how a marriage should be. I'll sort it in the next few days, I have to.

Very good luck to you. xxx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Nothing to add really just didn't want to read And not reply. Best of luck

Good luck OP

Keep posting here if it will help

Hi lost .. yes he is definitely having an affair I'm affraid - sorry you are gong through this .. my STBXH also lied about smoking was very agressive when questioned, was texting and emailing and phoning 'John Smith' a lot (who was the name of one of his actual colleagues) but that was actually the OW

I also got all the tears .. he is just sorry for himself for being found out - not sorry for having done it to you

Best get shot of the liar - I spent last year full of dread knowing something wasn't right but being made to feel like a paranod idiot for daring to suggest that he was having an affair ... I am much happier since I booted him out

You'll get there and your DCs will too .. my DD7 was a wee bit subdued for a couple of weeks but is now back to her old self

xx

The guilt is very difficult to begin with. There are some good books out there like mum and dad glue which maybe worth considering buying and reading together. But you will get there, you have done the right thing. It's a hard decision but post on here whenever you need to and when you doubt yourself x

Hi Lost - Gosh, what a terrible day, you've had having to deal with all this crap out of the blue. My heart breaks for your DS1 but also for you. You're the one thinking of your kids at this time, managing the emotional fall-out and dealing with all the mundane aspects of family life all alone all because of lies

You probably don't feel it right now but I think you're being incredibly brave - you've drawn a line for your H and said this is where I stand. He had the opportunity to come clean and meet you half-way but instead he's coming up with half-arsed crazy stories to try to cover his arse.

Try to focus on everything one day at a time - get through today and tomorrow will take care of itself. It's both yours and your H's responsibility to help your DC adjust but just remember, none of this upheaval is down to you so you have absolutely no reason to feel any guilt. You might not feel up to discussing how best to do this jointly with your H but it's as well to let him know what your expectations are with regard to seeing the children and explaining as painlessly as possible that he still loves them although he doesn't live with them anymore.

One word of caution - do please protect yourself financially. Check your bank accounts to ensure that there are no unusual withdrawals - freeze those accounts if necessary and ensure that one of the first things you discuss with H is ensuring financial stability for the children via maintenance. Even if it's only a trial separation, it's vital that you sort this out sooner rather than later. If only because you really having to cope with the possibility that your H could turn out to be less than the man you thought he was in ways other than fidelity. I don't want to harp on this point so as not to upset you but MN is a veritable mine of information on this subject as well so I'm sure we will be able to help you if you have questions on this.

As for me - you asked why I'm still with H. Well, the answer was uncertainty. I didn't pry any further when I discovered the infidelity and by the time more details came out, I felt it was too late to rely on that as a means to end the relationship. I do so wish that I had been as brave as you are being. It would have been incredibly hard but much better than a 7 year headfuck!

By the way, on the nursing front - please don't worry that your milk will dry up. I nursed the last two DC through some pretty stressful stuff and if anything, the fact that you're nursing will make you take better care of yourself re eating and drinking! Just look after yourself and stop worrying that you're going to fail your DC somehow - you're not, you haven't and you never will. Your H on the other hand has some serious self-analysis to do.

Just checking in to see how you're doing?

what a difficult day. Have you managed some sleep?

You are looking after your kids in the best way, even though it doesn't always feel that way. You're setting them up to know what to expect from a relationship, you're showing them true bravery and you are making sure they can have a calm, safe house. It is incredibly hard to do the right thing sometimes.

I agree with the other posters- look into the finances as soon as you can. If you're a list maker, make a big list, do as many things on the internet as possible and breathe deep. You can and will get through this.

For the sad, panicky feelings, a warm damp facecloth to wipe your face down with is amazingly comforting, and the rescue remedy whenever you need it.

You are doing the best for your family right now.

((hugs))

Thank you so much, we've just finished talking, the boys are awake now. Her name's Andrea. I'm shattered. I'm going to see the boys now.

I've obviously not done as well as I hoped hiding this, neither has my husband. Ben has asked his daddy why he doesn't love me anymore, and if he's going to live with his girlfriend. Fantastic, now I've screwed up my children

No HE is the one who is screwing up everything.

Please remember this affair is his choice and there was nothing you could have done to prevent him from making this very selfish choice.

Don't blame yourself, you kids will recover, especially if you treat them honestly.
Do look after yourself, and get some legal advice.
Well done.

Good on you for maintaining your need for truth. I'm so sorry that is has turned out this way. :(

One thing at a time today. Your kids will give you reason to smile.

And you have done nothing to screw up your kids. They will be ok, and you will too. Your son will ask all kinds of awkward questions for a while- it is normal for him to question the changes.

Kids will always figure it out- best that they hear it from you now rather than wondering.

Much much sympathy x

Do what is best for you and the children from now on. Try to factor him out of the equation. You won't be able to influence or control anything he does, he's through the looking glass and will be either in pain and self loathing or intense denial, so don't look to him for answers or any kind of sense no matter what he says or what you need. Just think of yourself and busy yourself completely with sorting out the things you need to sort out in order for you to be OK financially, practically and be emotionally supported so you can be there for your sons. There will be people along shortly who've been through this who can write you lists to follow.

Don't engage with him. Remember, he's completely unstable right now, mentally ill, under the influence of the powerful infidelity drug. Treat him the same way you'd treat a heroin addict. Not engaging, not trusting, protecting yourself. Love and pity might make you feel it necessary to point him in the direction of help ( relationship counsellor, pyschiatrist, doctor, book by "Shirlet Glass" not just friends) but mainly just get completely out of his way, as he'll self destruct.