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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes Hmm and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/02/2012 22:24

Throw him out

Tell him he insults you by saying you can "share" him

tell him he made his choice, and he goes

The only way you could ever come back from this is if he gives up OW completely and immediately

Don't be a mug, love

I am so sorry, but what he is suggesting is cruel and abusive and you should not even consider it

flywiththecrows · 19/02/2012 22:28

what AnyFucker said.

and also

He wants you to console him because he's upset at the thought of losing his lover. disrespectful and shows that he sees you as a friend.

too comfortable in my eyes.

throw him out. make him realise what life will be like without you.

I am sorry you're gong through this, be strong

FoxPass · 19/02/2012 22:29

Oh my gosh that is rough greyriver, he has behaved horribly :( Someone more helpful will be here soon I'm sure, but certainly from what I've learned here, if he truly wants to make work with you, he has to end it with OW and have no contact with her at all.

It sounds like he is hedging his bets - waiting to see what you will do. Don't comfort him - ask him to leave. You need time and space to think and gather yourself. FWIW I don't think I could forgive him this, especially all this chat about not giving her up totally Shock if he's serious he should be begging your forgiveness! And sex in the back of YOUR car? Awful, just awful :(

FoxPass · 19/02/2012 22:30

oops I was too slow, help arrived as I was typing Blush

anonacfr · 19/02/2012 22:31

He is so totally taking the piss.

What he wants is stay at home in his cosy family environment while still seeing her.

I'm sorry but you need to tell him to leave. If he's in love with her she should move in with her. If he wants you to take him back he needs to stop all contact with her and show you how devoted he is to you.

Original poster
greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:31

I am such a strong person normally.....this is so wrong I know, but I cant seem to get the courage to give him ultimatums...god I cant believe I am this weak. I have no job, nothing, I gave up everything to be a sahm and I fell terribly isolated right now. He still maintains he wants to try and that he is going to ring the OW tomorrow, he feels he can't tell her over the phone though and that he owes it to her to tell her to her face

OP posts:
flywiththecrows · 19/02/2012 22:32

one last shag, pah!

go with him.

flywiththecrows · 19/02/2012 22:33

no don't, thats ridiculous.

Original poster
greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:33

:(

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 19/02/2012 22:34

Grey firstly I am sorry to hear your news i remember your other thread.

Without doubt he is taking advantage of the fact that you are understandably distraught and confused and playing to your vulnerability in making outrageous and selfish suggestions and demands in the hope that out of desperation, you will allow him to have his cake and eat it. You know that however desperate you feel now, that can never work. So don't even entertain it

Tell him to fuck off get out for a few days so you can clear your head. You should not be comforting him. He is meant to be on his knees begging at this point.

Tell him to go so you can think but unless he breaks all contact with OW there is nothing to think about. It's going to be tough but stay strong.

Do you have friends / family around you?

flywiththecrows · 19/02/2012 22:34

greyriver.

you depend on him financially, but I assure you you can do this on your own

there is help available.

shodatin · 19/02/2012 22:35

I think you must be in shock to feel sympathy for him. Previous poster's said it all- this is not a healthy relationship. Suggest someone in your family should tell him to start behaving decently.

Original poster
greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:36

we have mutual friends, who i think will be slightly my side , a fab sister, and my parents, so once i admit whats been going on then yes, I guess I do have support :(

OP posts:
Doha · 19/02/2012 22:36

He owes her nothing. If they meet you will never believe what has been said.
You really need to tell him to leave. Take the choice away from him and gain the upper hand.
Let him see just what he has thrown away..his wife Dc's comfy family life for cheap shags on the back seat...how classy.

SlightlyJaded · 19/02/2012 22:37

Oops XPosted with everyone but interestingly similar posts across the board

OP IRS awful but you have to dig deep
and be tough

Original poster
greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:37

he's asleep, how can they sleep?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/02/2012 22:37

Tell her to her face ? Really ?

Then you have no proof of what was said.

Tell him all you will accept is he tells her by phone, with you listening on speakerphone. he must be clear. He tells her it is over because he loves you and that she is now not a consideration in his life

then after that you get 100% access to his phone, texts, email, mail etc (including any secret ones he has had all this time he has been deceiving you)

then straight after that, you get yourself an appointment at the std clinic, and insist he does the same

AnyFucker · 19/02/2012 22:38

if he won't agree to any of this, he isn't serious about still loving you, and wanting to make your marriage work, so he goes

if he goes to her...you have your answer about what would have been his future anyway, without the awful limbo imbetween

Beamur · 19/02/2012 22:39

Mmm, personally I would want my partner in these circumstances to put 100% into trying to repair the damage they have caused. Which means ending the other relationship totally and immediately, not with some gentle face to face let down, but maybe with a phone call that you were also present to hear - I'd give him no room to try and facilitate an ongoing scene with this other woman, no contact, no texts, no nothing.
Any less than that I would doubt his intention to mend our relationship. He has to choose, and unless you want to, that means no sharing.
What a horrible situation for you to be in.

FoxPass · 19/02/2012 22:39

You're not weak you're just reeling from shock, who wouldn't be!

If you get mad, put him out and tell him to fuck off you want a divorce he will be on his knees begging for you. He is totally playing on your shock and vulnerability right now.

You are in the position of power here - tell him to leave, he is TOTALLY in the wrong!

Yeahthatsnotgonnahappen · 19/02/2012 22:40

grey please have more respect for yourself.

Your husband is such a fucking tool. How very dare he talk to you about this woman in a woe is me bloody way. He's dreading telling her? My heart bleeds. But telling your wife is a fucking walk in the park? Who gives a shit if she's bereft or not, if he finds it a bit of a faff to keep it in his pants. He either made marriage vows and intends to stick to them now or not. Piss off with involving you in his moral angst about telling the other bloody woman. The fricking cheek of it.

chickydoo · 19/02/2012 22:40

Why don't you tell your DH that you will tell ow it's over between them. You can ring, text whatever you like.
Make sure that he promises to leave his phone available for you to check at any time you choose until you trust him.
If he declines, throw him out. You are worth more than this!
Good luck

Original poster
greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:40

shes ten yrs younger god this is so awful. I cant stop looking at my children :( , he says its because I made him feel like he was worthless, why didn't he speak to me sooner instead of doing this?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/02/2012 22:41

do not ever consider competing with another woman for the dubious and tarnished prize that is your husband

LadyMedea · 19/02/2012 22:41

Great advice on www.survivinginfidelity.com - check it out, it's really helped me. He's deep in the fog of the affair and the only thing you can do is look after yourself and decide what you want to move forward I.e. no contact at all with OW, marriage counselling etc.