so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

Just checking in grey to see how you're doing

Hey Grey just checking in on you.

Hope you're ok.

:(

been lured into a phone yesterday to say he felt home sick. He felt me pushing him away last week pushed him into realising maybe he doesn't miss me in the week and its just the kids he is missing. He said when he came back after finishing it with her he felt in his heart he wanted to try like nothing else but now I have pushed him away.
Or course i defended myself etc...
Last night I saw he text the OW 20 times, between 10 and midnight, this morning I phoned (had money to quickly discuss) and he said he wants to write down how and if we think we can get through this, and what we both want from our relationship together. I asked had he been in contact with the OW and he did admit to them texting last night.

But then proceeded to say hes never felt this way about anyone, him and OW like the same things, think the same things and even sometimes say the same things at the same time.....but at the same time if it was such an easy decision to leave he would have left, and he's confused and depressed about thinking about it all etc

He does understand its hard for me, but is there really a way forward from all of this?? The reality of leaving is so unbearable, but so is trying to work on a relationship where deep down I may feel second best...

Why hasn't he made up his mind? One minute I am strong and have a new life planned for me and the kids, the next I think but 'what if'...

The reason why he is so ambivalent is because he has failed to cut all contact with OW.

What they have is based on fantasy and lust untouched by reality and real life - but they can't see it. If you have read Not Just Friends by SHirley Glass, you will realise this.

You need to detach yourself from him and focus on rebuilding your own life. There is no point in thinking about a reconciliation at this stage.

Detach from him. He is still messing you about - essentially, his AIM right now is to have you there, as backup, as still present in his life, as a safety net. What does he 'want'? He wants it all, basically. To have all of it, always. To never really have to choose, because like a 5 year old he's indulged and petted and is never asked to be an adult with choices, responsibility, loyalty.

He is a total twat, basically, and you and your children will NEVER be able to rely on him.

He hasn't made up his mind because he's a self indulgent fool, as far as I can see. I agree with others, engaging with him in this kind of conversation is feeding him what he wants which is attention, amongst other things. Try and keep your contact to a minimum, just about the children etc. Cut him off when he tries to engage you with this energy sapping rubbish. Hard I know, but if you don't disengage, this could go on and on.

I'm sorry grey, what an idiot he is.

Oh, so it's your fault again! He wanted to come back at the weekend but you "pushed him away" so now he's not sure if he wants you anymore after all? Despite being desperate to prove all sorts of crap to you a few days ago?

Twat.

we are supposed to be discussing everything tomorrow though not sure what though if neither of us can make any kids of decision about what we want

He is being very manipulative (again)

He was trying to make you feel guilty for 'pushing him away' and was saying to you that you were the architect of your own downfall by doing so, because your actions in fact caused him to question your relationship and his feelings for you.

Yet again I say bollocks to that.

He still thinks he's a prize to be won. He's got no intention of cutting contact with the OW and as MAHC says, as long as he remains in contact, he will stay 'confused' and ambivalent.

The point is - and really think about this - he would have been in contact even more with the OW had you let him come back last week. There would have been even less impetus to stop their relationship, because he would have known that as long as he was still under your roof, there was a chance you would forgive. He would have decided that it was best to continue the relationship with the OW and see where it led - either it would run its course or it would flourish. But being back at home would buy them more time for her to move out from her parents and get her own place.

Can you imagine how much worse it would have been if you had been trying to forgive and putting loads of effort into your marriage, only to find that he's been seeing her still all along and then buggered off with her when the circumstances were better.... for them?

Stand firm and don't play his games. What he's said merely serves to confirm how right you were to insist that he leaves. You are not responsible for 'making him' feel anything, but he wants you to think that you are. He wants you to feel guilt.

Don't write down anything about what you want from the relationship. Tell him the relationship is over and so it would be a pointless exercise. He is about a year too late with that homework. If he was so unhappy before his affair he should have suggested this then.

Just up to the part about forgiveness in the shirly glass book...and how an affair can be a reflection of the relationships vulnerabilities

Yes, you can make a decision, grey, even if he "can't" or more to the point won't

You can decide whether or not you want to be taken for a fool and used as a soft fall-back position. Whether you want to continue being the counsellor while he "struggles" with his his star-crossed lovers fairy tale romance

What follows after that is up to you

You are still waiting for a cheating man to tell you how the rest of your life is going to pan out. Why would you do that ?

if i read this thread about anyone else I would think what an idiot she is being

Grey - its because we are not emotionally involved that we can see what is really happening (and it helps that many of us have been there before).

I remember too well how muddled my thinking was for a while and even then my H was already doing everything he said he would do. You need time and space and I think meeting him is not a good idea, unless its only to discuss child care and access.

why do you think you deserve any less than any other person, grey ?

Look you had an enormous shock and because up till last week and at the end of your previous thread, you were of the mindset that it was you that was the problem. That self-abasement was wrong in the first place, but this man is such a manipulative shit he'd really done a number on you. It was why I was astonished on your first thread that you seemed to be taking responsibility for a bad relationship when your husband failed to come home until 9pm most nights and left you to do all the domestic work and childcare.

We all understand that brainwashing will take more than a week to shift and counter. Plus you still love him and unfortunately that bastard knows exactly which buttons to press to induce guilt in you.

Objectively, we all want to throttle him and kick his sorry arse, but we understand why it will take some time for you to feel the same. Our job is to get you there and help you fake the utter disdain that this man deserves.....

And tell him that you need to be left alone to make a decision about what you want - you are not waiting for him to make up his mind as he has already made his choices by checking out of the marriage and shagging OW.

You know what grey, if i were you i would tell him that the relationhip is over. Your dh is what one would crudely describe as 'taking the piss'. He actually wants you to be worried about his leaving. I would limit contact and only discuss the children. Do not indulge him by asking him questions about the other woman.
I hate to say this, but you may have to accept that your marriage is over. Your dh may well be experiencing a 'moment of madness', but you should not allow yourself to suffer because of his actions.

Grey, sweetheart, glad you came back to the thread - I know it must be difficult for you.

Tbh I think he is waiting for you to finish it as he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

He's coming across as spineless. and horrible.

I think you need to cut him out and move on.

He is still texting the OW frequently because he is addicted to the feeling of being "in love" with her. The only way he could truly begin to commit to you would be for him to cut all contact with her. To be frank I would not trust him to keep his word, and any "decision" he might make would be built on sand.

He is in no position to discuss anything with you - what exactly would you discuss at this point? My advice would be to keep any discussions to the needs of the children in having access to both their parents, and NOT discuss anything else. You don't need to discuss anything with him to decide that you will not allow him to continue to exploit you and emotionally abuse you.

You have been doing great in dealing with this so far. Be strong and in the long run you will see the benefits. I gave in, and my DW continued to see the OM, to lie about her movements and to generally take the piss. I wish that I had acted in the way you have done and spared myself more heartache.

Oh, Grey, he's not sorry at all is he?

Still no concern about you, or about the children (only about how inconvenient it is for him to be living apart from them). And he's so hard done to, and he just can't help himself with OW, and somehow it's all your fault because you refused to toe the line and take all his crap... why on earth does he think you want to sign up for a lifetime of that?

So he's homesick- in other words he's not happy at being an unwelcome, disapproved-of guest in the home of people who aren't doing his washing, ironing, cooking for him; he was hoping to carry on with all that at home you see, plus he thought he'd have the added bonus of you pandering to his every whim in order to get him back. No shagging at OW's mum and dad's either, I'm sure. He wasn't banking on you being so strong, and now that his adultery has inconvenienced him he's bleating about being homesick and blaming you.

If you had taken him back, I've no doubt he'd still blame you for his actions- you'd have made it too easy for him, or he couldn't break old habits, or similar bollocks.

He's made his choices. He chose to completely disregard his marriage, and his family. You can now choose how you move on from this. He doesn't get to choose how your life pans out , or keep you on hold as a backup option.

He seems to be trying to assert control as you had him on the backfoot by asking him to leave. Now he wants to dictate how this will pan out. I feel so angry for you grey, as he is belittling your response, underestimating the impact of his betrayal and don't even get me started on the casual cruelty of confiding in you about the reasons why his relationship with OW works. 'Saying the same thing at the same time!' Aw, what japes! Hopefully he'll soon find you and OW saying the same thing at the same time, namely, 'Jog on, dickhead!'
You have nothing to discuss with him at the moment. Be kind to yourself. You're not an idiot, you are someone who saw a problem and tried to resolve it without deceit.

Agree with everyone else! Grey, I am so sorry you are in such a sad place. I think your H is being a total bastard actually. He is blaming you for everything, has taken no responsibility, told you that actually he doesn't miss you, only the kids, and yes, he is still in contact with the other woman. How cruel and demeaning of him to add the cutting little details of how well the two of them get on together - yet another implied criticism of you.

Can you really see a future where you actually want to be with this man again as husband and wife, where you might be able to move on from this? I have to say, it doesn't look likely from your update.

This is terribly hard for you and you must be feeling vulnerable and confused right now. He is treating you very badly indeed, and still expects you to spend your time and emotional energy on him.

I think I'd be inclined to tell him he is now free to pursue whatever sordid relationships he likes - and see a family law solicitor as soon as you can. Hope you are getting all the financial information together.

Really feel for you. x

Oh Grey, Its a shit time isn't it?

I take back what I said previously as it now apparent he is not the slightest bit remorseful and it's still all about him. No consideration for you or your children..selfish prick...it makes me so angry .
I honestly don't know what to say now, despite being in your shoes 10 months ago. He is being an utter bastard and cruel with it. He is playing a game and what an ego trip he's on. He still, despite everything wants his cake and to eat it. He is putting her before your marriage and letting that dictate the future. If he can't see this then I would show him the door permenately. Are you supposed to sit at home and wait for him to decide..really?...really..is this what he's expecting? He needs to be fighting for you, he's not and it's the least you deserve.

Realistically I think the only thing you can do is prepare.....Get yourself to a solicitor and sort out your finances and such. I have to agree with fly, when I read your latest post my immediate thought was that he was hoping you would end it so, in his little fantasy, he's blameless, you ended the marriage not him.
I'm not sure what good discussing it would be whilst he's still in contact with the OW. How can he realistically talk about the future whilst he is still immersed in his fantasy? There is no way you can reconcile whilst he is still in contact with her.
Take care.

It's time to lawyer up, honey. If you visit www.womensaid.org you can locate your nearest office, give them a call and ask them to recommend solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and who offer a free half and hour initial consulation, which is all you'll need to find out where you stand financially if you decide to divorce him.

Whatever a solicitor may advise about your grounds for divorce, I would suggest that you pour a bucket of metaphorical cold water on the randy dog that is your h by telling him that you have been advised to divorce him for adultery and will be naming the ow in your petition - and ask him how she and her dps will like them apples.

Despite all his crocodile tears, promises, assurances, it didn't take long for him to get back in touch with her, did it?

If you hadn't kicked his arse into orbit, he would have been calling her last week from the comfort of your marital home because he never had any intention of foregoing his couplings with the bitch in heat her.

Stay strong grey - you deserve a hell of a lot more than dancing attendance on a lowdown lying conniving twunt and playing second fiddle to his ow.

Oh Grey, how difficult for you, emotionally draining and it saps your energy and crushes your self-esteem.

Your choice is to take him back, or not. If you do, you will not know whether he is still texting/phoning/seeing OW, but will have to believe him when he says he isn't, as otherwise you make yourself feel an idiot for taking him back.

If you tell him it's over, you increase your self-esteem as you have made the decision. He will continue to text/phone/see OW but won't lie about it. Because you have removed the thrill of the illicit nature of the affair, it won't last and he will start realising what he has lost and regretting in reality what he has done.

You, meanwhile, will not have to hang about wondering what to do. You will forge your own path. When he comes crawling back, you will know for sure whether you want him or ot, and what you want/need/require from him should you decide to have him back.

OK, so it seems to me that if you have him back now - or any time in the next 6 months or so - you will simply not know where you really stand, nor whether he really wants you or just the comfort of home and hearth.

If you finish it now, then you will be able to move on, make a life and, should you get back with him at a later time, you will know what is acceptable to you, what lines are drawn and you will be all the stronger (and happier) for it.