Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes Hmm and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:
kallima · 20/02/2012 10:07

so he instantly lied about the text the minute he'd said he was going to tell the truth from now on? Angry

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 10:07

you don't think by him telling the OW that there sounds like hope?

OP posts:
Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 10:08

well he had sent me a text that morning saying 'i promise whatever I will be honest'

OP posts:
MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 20/02/2012 10:11

grey - you do realise that the pre-arranged work thing tonight is probably with her, don't you?

I'm so bloody angry with him 'he sees hope' in your relationship? What about love or fidelity or honesty or loyalty?

I wish I could give him a bloody good kicking for you. Angry

littlemeishere · 20/02/2012 10:17

OMG. This is priceless. So he is of shagging the OW in i presume the car he drives his kids around in and he has you questioning what went wrong and when and poor him with his head in hands not sure what to do.

For God's sake - look at this for what it is, he is a liar and a cheat and an absolutely spineless git.

If he was unhappy with you, he could have left, not continued with this OW lark.

For God's sake, wise up and kick his sorry arse to Kingdom Come.

he's a manipulative little chancer and will play the poor me card for as long as you will alow it.

Cheating, lying scumbag. if it was me, I'd let her have him.

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 10:23

when he said he wanted to give it a go i really thought there was hope? Am I being this much of a fool!!!!!??????

whats wrong with me, its not sinking in

OP posts:
PosiePumblechook · 20/02/2012 10:25

Fool or not, if he loves you and truly wants to be with you you can threw him out and sort yourself out and he'll come begging. Unless he does beg you to forgive him I don't really see the point.

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/02/2012 10:26

Remember actions speak louder than words - he is not doing anything to show his commitment to the marriage, sorry. You have not heard him end things with OW - you only know what he is telling you and what he has said isn't convincing or honest.

He is still lying and leading you on - simply because it does not suit him yet to leave you.

I would pack his things and leave them by the door ready for him.

notanotherstatistic · 20/02/2012 10:27

I have been in your situation: STBXW had a long affair, was "in love" with the OM and like your DH wasn't sure about what to do. I wish that I had done what most of the posters here are suggesting - get him to leave and work out what he wants elsewhere. I misguidedly thought that I should try and compete with the OM and be understanding so that she would "choose" me. She didn't actually leave me, but at the same time she didn't really choose me either. I think she lost what little respect she had for me. I certainly lost self-respect. Eventually, I realised that I didn't want to be with someone that had treated me this way and that the affair was all about her problems. I am much happier single and have resolved many of my own issues that led to me allowing her to treat me that way.

Kick him out and make it known to him that you will not be treated so disrespectfully, and will be getting on with planning a life without him. He must be the one that fights for you.

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/02/2012 10:27

If he is going to tell her over the phone - let him do it on speaker phone with you there.

littlemeishere · 20/02/2012 10:29

and he is already lying about contact with her. Do you really think he wont be contacting her when away when he couldn't not do it when you were right there?

saffronwblue · 20/02/2012 10:36

Grey I have just read your earlier thread and it is clear now that he was lying to you all the way through the conversations you describe there. Tell him to go. Maybe there will be something you can salvage in the future but he should go now and discover what life is like outside the family.

24joy · 20/02/2012 10:42

I was the OW. Believe me - our relationship would have DIED if his wife and thrown him out to live with me after 12 weeks. Part of the 'fun' of the affair is the secrecy and the 'pulling' of the man from his apparently flawed wife/marriage.

If he's with her YOU will become the missed one and OW will be checking his phone for texts to you. What the wife never seems to understand is that in this situation the OW is having to share her man with the wife and she can be equally jealous/pissed off.

I repeat though - please trust me on this - the words coming from your DH's mouth: "she knows, can i live with you" To the OW will blow this affair over very quickly. He will be miserable and she will no longer be a bit of fun. She will now be the person he gave EVERYTHING up for - and she'll be under a lot of pressure to deliver...

FoxPass · 20/02/2012 10:45

If you take away his home comforts and get mad he will get a wake up call. Right now he has the best of both worlds :( He is clearly unable to be honest, can you really ever trust him again?

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 10:47

he has lied already...the first in a long line of lies if you accept them now...and the last of a long line of lies that went before

read what NAS said...he found his self respect again when he stopped waiting for someone else to decide his future

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 20/02/2012 10:48

your H wants his cake and eat it too. Sad

I am so livid on your behalf. Please get his things bagged up and ready for him to take with him.

Take the choice away from him. Living in 'limbo' waiting for him to choose who he wants will destroy you mentally.

Ive read all 4 pages of this thread and cant agree more with the advice you have been given.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 10:53

I also think if he isn't physically with OW tonight (highly likely), he will be in contact

if he is so fixated with her, he will find a way, just like all the other times he did before

he will kid himself he is letting her down gently...but all that means is he is further disrespecting you (best case scenario)

more likely scenario...he will be telling her they have to lie low for a while, then pick up again when you have STFU (which the way you are at the moment, won't take very long)

another possibility is that when she is free, he will leave you anyway

none of these scenarios fit with him still getting to play the family man at home

Planetofthegrapes · 20/02/2012 11:04

OP he really sounds like he's full of sh*t.

Time to get a roll of economy bin bags, fill them with his stuff and sling 'em out the door.

pollyblue · 20/02/2012 11:11

He might not be able to choose, but you can.

From what you've said, it sounds like he feels more responsibility for the OWs feelings than he does yours.

And I agree with the others, he's given you no clear reassurance that he will finish the relationship with her.

You've got the house to yourself tonight, do you have anyone in RL who can come over and help you work things out? You need to make a plan (imo) that is best for you and sod what he wants.

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 11:31

not admitting to myself what he's doing means it isn't really real doesn't it. I cant bear the thought of telling people :(

I feel so terrible sh*t

OP posts:
Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 11:31

I dont want to stay in the house though i feel its full of too many hurtful memories

OP posts:
lurkingaround · 20/02/2012 11:32

Pack enough stuff for him for a week, and when he comes home tomorrow, give him his stuff and tell him you need time and space to think. Get him out ASAP. That might sharpen his mind. But get him out.

You need to think about what you want. You have options y'know. It's your choice, not his.

Get him out. He is being a total shit.

FoxPass · 20/02/2012 11:38

It's daunting telling people but remember it is HIM who has behaved appallingly and trashed what you had. You have nothing to be ashamed of, HE does and your loved ones will be totally on your side!

PosiePumblechook · 20/02/2012 11:41

You have to put your emotions in one box and what's financially sound in another. Whatever happens you are hurt, but don't be broke too.

clam · 20/02/2012 11:46

Is this OW someone he works with? In which case, it's not unlikely that she too will be on this trip tonight. Or even if not, she could be going along with him for the ride, so to speak.
Am so Angry on your behalf. How DARE he beat his breast about how tough it is for him, when he has stamped all over your marriage, family life, hopes and dreams for the future. Bastard.