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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes Hmm and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 20/02/2012 13:18

grey It sounds like this 'girl' had stroked your husbands ego and he has lapped it up. What a pathetic excuse for a husband and father he is.

Please, bag up some of his things, get angry at HIM and tell someone in RL.

This happened to my friend and at first she was so ashamed and didnt want anyone to know, but then as she realised what a shit her H had been the more people she told, the more empowered she felt. Nobody you know is going to say, "no wonder he had an affair, you are a shit wife!"

They are going to say "what a shit he is for doing that to his wife and DC".

Charbon · 20/02/2012 13:20

I think in your shock grey you're probably still in the habit of believing everything you would have believed a month or so ago. So for example, you're still thinking this trip tonight is work-related and you probably still think he works long hours all the time, like you suggested in your previous thread.

What this experience will teach you is to question everything you once believed as fact.

At the moment for example, you're believing this story he's advancing about how your behaviour 'drove' him into the arms of another. I'd be really interested to know which came first. When he first met the OW and started flirting with her, as opposed to when he started the affair? Whether your legitimate frustration about having a partner who doesn't pull his weight with the house and kids is being re-packaged by you both as you being 'nasty'?

Question everything. What you believe now isn't what you'll believe in a few months time when the shock has worn off.

For now, the only solution that works in your particular situation is that you tell him he has lost you and must leave. Get some immediate help for yourself and with the kids and start sharing what's happened with people who love you and won't try like your husband is, to blame you for something he has done.

He doesn't love the OW btw. He doesn't really know her, just the parts of her that she will have been showing in order to compete with you. If she was married with kids and had a partner who didn't come home from 'work' every night until 9pm and left her to do all the shitwork, unless she's a complete idiot she wouldn't be sitting there being 'nice' to him, I assure you.

At most he is infatuated or possibly in love with a fantasy.

But you must be strong. Even though you're shocked, you're actually more clear-headed right now than him.

LiarsWife · 20/02/2012 13:21

Jax I agree ...I told EVERYBODY - including STBXH's friends and family .. I had nothing to be ashamed of - and neither do you ...

flywiththecrows · 20/02/2012 13:23

Right, we've established what we think you should do

What have you actually done about this OP?

Sometimes when I have a massive task on my hands I write down all the stages from start to finish, then I don't cross them off I highlight the ones I have completed - that way the progress jumps out at me and I feel good about what I've achieved, not anxious about the enormity of the task. Does that make sense?

Get paper and a pen
Or type on here

From start to finish

Write down everything you have done about this and also what you need to do. Include sorting finances, and std clinic etc....

Set yourself goals for completing a few tasks each day.

Obviously the above post is based on you taking control of your life and giving him the kick up the arse he needs.

flywiththecrows · 20/02/2012 13:31

may I just remind everyone that the only thing that sets the OP apart from any of us is that she is emotionally attached to this man.

That's the biggest hurdle to get over. Sad

Charbon · 20/02/2012 13:36

Like I said on your previous thread, when a man says he loves you but he's not in love with you but doesn't want to leave or try counselling, what he means is he's having an affair but the woman isn't free to house him just yet and he's just biding his time until she can. Meanwhile, he doesn't want to give up being domestically serviced by his wife but is telling her he expects her to do all that in exchange for him withdrawing his romantic labour.

When you put it like that, why would any woman agree to that deal?

The deal he's offering you now is for you to up the ante and offer 5 star standards of service, while the OW does the same and you both try to out-do eachother in a competition. So he gets his needs met by both of you and in fact experiences a surfeit. No-one who is full-up or overfed is hungry or motivated enough to act.

sandyboots · 20/02/2012 13:41

flywiththecrows that's exactly it. Just a few days ago she was enjoying a nice mini break with her husband who she obviously loves. It's cognitive dissonance on a massive scale. from the outside it seems so obvious - pack his bags and tell him to do one. From the inside it doesn't always feel like that at the time Sad

LiarsWife · 20/02/2012 13:51

I know it is more difficult when you are in the hot seat .. my friends have got on to me several times about being too accomodating etc and it makes it hard whn you are in the firing line and trying to do the right thing for you.

Apologies grey just trying to give you the benefit of 20/20 hindsight I suppose x

beachyhead · 20/02/2012 13:57

I do hope that you manage to tell someone in RL today about what's happening here, you really need someone who can support you on your plans and decisions, and just be there for you at this time. Whatever happens, unfortunately, this is not just going to go away, so it would be better not to try and face it on your own (in RL). Obviously we'll all be here for you and the advice here is spot on as it comes from people who have been there and have the benefit of hindsight, but I think it would be good to have someone close by for hugs and tea...

yellowraincoat · 20/02/2012 14:05

First of all, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What a complete dick your husband is acting like.

Not only has he already cheated, he's now treating you like shit by saying "I don't know, I can't promise anything" blah blah blah.

You have friends and family and people here to support you. It is not that unusual to be unable to make a decision - you love this man, you thought he was your friend, and now you've been blindsided. Of course you aren't suddenly able to decide.

All of us on the outside can see what a massive twat he's being though.

Of course it hurts to think he's going to see the other woman. That's natural.

Time, time, time. Time heals everything. Give yourself space and time.

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 14:17

ok

deep breath

I have just phoned him and told him I wont accept this

I am packing his bags

he can collect them tomorrow

My sister is coming over tonight and I have text our two mutual close friends and have called my mum to explain everything to her

deep breath

OP posts:
JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 20/02/2012 14:18

Its always easier when on the outside, 'we' dont have an emotional attachment.

I am sorry OP, you are obviously reeling from shock, despite misgivings that you previously had (from other thread) this is a whole new ball game. Sad

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 14:18

no tears yet, will i crumble at some point? Or was all my crying done over the weekend???

sigh

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 20/02/2012 14:19

You're doing so well OP. It's great that your sister is coming over.

Keep posting if it helps.

Charbon · 20/02/2012 14:20

Well done! What courage and what bravery.

You have done absolutely the right thing and you will never regret that decision, what ever the outcome might be.

Put some distance between you now so that you can have space to think. No communication for a good while.

What was his reaction?

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 14:21

his reaction was silence, no fight, nothing,

I think he was waiting for me to the make the first move to make his decision easier ??

OP posts:
Smum99 · 20/02/2012 14:21

Please, please get over the shame of telling people, promise that yourself you will tell someone today - everyone will be so understanding..you must trust that. A friend had a very similar situation and she did tell everyone and it has meant she is getting the support. No one blames her.

My dh was in a similar situation with his ex, she would justify her affairs (and years later he realised there were many) because he was busy at work, she was neglected etc but the more he tolerated and tried the less she respected him.

I think this is critical - you are not rewarded by a wayward partner for staying with them, they actually start to lose complete respect for you which of course fuels the affair behaviour and sense of entitlement. DH did eventually leave and really regrets the years he spend in this limbo situation.

Interestingly the stronger he became the more she wanted to make it work, he was suddenly no longer the doormat and that is attractive.

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 14:22

Just my kids dote on him, it will be so hard. And up until this point we were such a great family

OP posts:
clam · 20/02/2012 14:22

Well done grey!
Look, you clearly still love him and want him back (the "him" you thought you had, anyway). Obviously it's easy for us to say "get rid" from the outside, but if you really want him, then showing him the door is the only chance you have. Being "understanding" and giving him space will make him lose respect for you even faster. He's got to live the consequences of his behaviour so make damn sure they're unpleasant ones. And while you're at it, glam up and play it very cool and aloof so he sees what he's lost.

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 14:23

feels so numb though

OP posts:
Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 14:25

thanks so much everyone

your made me see light at the end of tunnel, I actually feel less nervous already and my heart has stopped pounding a little, as I am not sat here thinking will he come back wont he.

Cant bear to think of all the pictures of our life together

OP posts:
Beamur · 20/02/2012 14:25

Well done Grey - his line about 'not promising anything' is truly feeble.
Either he will have a massive wake up call, or like you say, he was too weak to do this himself and has pushed you into making a decisive move. If that is the case, then you really are better off without him and have probably saved yourself more months of heartache while he 'tried'.
So sorry for how hurt you must be feeling.

PeppermintPasty · 20/02/2012 14:29

His reaction was silence because he doesn't know what to say, or think. You have taken a little of the power back. You have taken the wind out of his sails. He is not waiting for you to do something "to make his decision easier", I assure you. His silence is very telling.

As for being done with all the crying, I should imagine there's more to come Sad. It will be a bit like a rollercoaster, some days you'll be ok, and other days you'll want to lean over the side and be sick everywhere. Just make sure you hold on!

Go and have a Brew and give yourself a pat on the back, well done for being so strong.

LifeMovesOn · 20/02/2012 14:30

Sweetheart I am so sad for you. I was in exactly your position 2.5years ago - my ex was obsessed with his mistress who provided an escape from real life (mortgage, kids, house, you know what I mean). Promised me he would tell no more lies.

He did. He actually admitted he didn't sometimes know what was truth and what wasn't, poor him, he was all confused and, fool that I was, took him back, forgave - and discovered he was still at it 2 months later.

Life is good again - different but good.

You WILL get through this.

Try not to listen to his lies.

YOU ARE WORTH FAR MORE THAN HIM AND WHAT HE CAN OFFER.

I truly feel for you, so so sad xxx

clam · 20/02/2012 14:31

Think you need some of these: Thanks