so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

But Grey, if you keep him at home and stop him seeing her, that will just make hime want to see her more and he will resent you for keeping him from her. make let him go...if he goes to her, it will be awful for you but being with him at home knowing he's thinking of her, wanting to see her, possibly contacting her will kill you.

Do not make her his 'forbidden' love, it will only increase his feeling for her. If he sees her as a full time thing, she may lose her appeal. She may not, but you can't keep him out of duty/force

You're not a mug, you trusted your husband and he has abused your trust.

Just think of it as protecting your interests incase you need it later.

You have nothing to be ashamed of though, don't blame yourself. YOU are the person in this situation that can hold their head up high.

So sorry for you. Don't have a lot to offer but if you really want him back then you must put him out of the house, hard and all as that may be. He may realise the error of his ways, and if he doesn't, you have to accept this is the way it is. If you let him stay, being as shitty as he is right now, he will lose all respect for you and end up leaving anyway. He needs to realise he's an ass. He won't do that at home crying to his wife about his OW.

I think the choice is your's and not his. So you need to make a decision. Don't let him do it. Take control.

Sorry you're going thru this.

greyriver So sorry you're going through this.

I was in a similar position. Ex couldn't stop seeing the OW. He said it had to end naturally, so that there was no chance of him going back to her. This meant he spent more than half of his time with her.

Like an utter fool, I let him. I lost my dignity, my self esteem, and to a certain extent, my sanity. After 18 months I left. I had eventually come to the decision that he wasn't worth fighting for and it was time for me to rebuild my life.

You have to make him go. It could destroy you otherwise.

Of course he's sleeping! His conscience is clear, he's finally told you. The OW is still around. And he's still at home in his comfy bed!! How good is HIS life.

Sorry to sound harsh.

Oh greyriver :( you are not a mug, you have been a faithful, loving wife. He has betrayed you, there was no way and no reason why you should have known about this.

We have been busy giving you advice... but we don't forget the emotional twister you're in right now. Please don't be ashamed, cry if you want to, scream if you want to. I know all this advice is cold and reasonable, and cold and reasonable is probably not how you are feeling wight now. You are all over the place, and your mind is screaming at you to try to continue the life you had before. That is perfectly normal. I am also sending you a big, big hug. I am in New Zealand, and it is daytime here. Please feel free to PM me for anything, even if it is only to rant, or to talk about anything.

I am so sorry this has happened! Things will get better. Hold on, hug your children and take strength from them, call friends. Call your work and take a day or two off, they will understand. You need to take care of yourself.

OP my heart goes out to you it really does. Have absolutely been in your position nearly 4 years to the day.Unimagineable pain and shock. You will still be in shock which makes it exceptionally hard.

you will not drive him into OW hands, that's his choice. But if you have some outside support and you can bring yourself too, ask him to leave for a bit to give you time to decide what you intend to do next.

What beamur said shocked me, this was exactly what my exh did (down to a very recent and lovely weekend away) and it's completely disorientating. Fact is you can't go from loving someone and empathising with them to taking on board literally overnight the fact that they have been deceiving you.

I was sympathetic to my now exh in the immediate aftermath and with hindsight if I'd wanted to save the marriage (which at the time I did) I'd have been stronger I think. But no matter, it all worked out okay in the end (we're divorced now, amicable, he's not with OW) so don't be hard on yourself, there's no right or wrong, just take it one day at a time, you've been put in a dreadful position through no fault of your own and just get through it love, with all the support you can, be kind to yourself eat and sleep and just look after you and dcs however you think best at the time. big hugs to you

if you throw him out and he chooses OW, you will save yourself 6 months of utter confusion and heartbreak, believe me

because if does go to her now, he will do that after he has fucked you over for a while with his boo-hooing about how he "can't choose" "it's all toooo hard" and him coming backwards and forwards like a toxic fucking yo-yo

Take a look at the thread about are relationships work. Sorry cant do links on phone.

Don't do this love, don't comfort him when he is unhappy about the choices he had made/is making.

Please be strong. For the second time tonight I am begging a stranger to not let things drift. It will only get harder in ways you can't get your head around through the pain you are feeling now. I want to tell you to fly while there is still something left of you. X

that's true AF - also chances are in the cold light of day he's more likely to wonder what on earth he's doing with the OW and OP will then be in a much better position to chose whether she wants him back or not.
doesn't always feel that clear cut at the time IME because you've been so knocked for six

You are in shock, trying to hold on to the remnants, but it does rather sound as though there's too much water under the bridge. He has told you he doesn't want to give her up, which is awful. What's done is done - you will never be able to trust him again after this betrayal, but it will take time to sink in.

Do not allow him to blame you for his decision to betray you and your children. You have to try to be strong and act as though everything is normal, for their sake. It might be better to ask him to leave (on a "work trip" maybe, for the sake of the children), at least for a few days so that you can have some breathing space and time to think.

Do you have a friend in RL you can talk to who can support and guide you?

For now I suggest you take copies of all financial documents with regard to the house/mortgage, your joint savings, his earnings and pension.

Keep busy by doing some research and getting informed:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Find a family law solicitor local to you here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

What a twat. It's not your fault.

:( going to go upstairs in the spare room i think, hopefully will be strong enough to face tomorrow god i feel sick thank you all so much for your help will post tomorrow.

cant even spell anymore argh god damn men!

we will be here x

Chuck him out. Stop confiding in him or comforting him. Talk to friend/s you trust instead. Sort things out in your head and do not take any shit from him about sharing him or needing to text her. In order to work things out he has to finish with her entirely and prove it, has to take responsibility for what has happened and stop blaming you and has to change. Good luck.

Take some money out of the joint bankaccount, go to the benefits office and get some financial help...you can do it.

Yes of course he is making you feel bad its how cheaters operate, they manipulate the truth and suddenly start changing the past to make you the bad person. the truth is you are not.

My ex decided he didnt want me 8 weeks after my DS was born, what i didnt know is he was having an affair with a friend of mine and even fathered a child with her which she passed off as her husbands. My ex decided he didnt want contact with my 2 DC so he went and moved to the other end of the country. He has rewritten history on our relationship...apparently he didnt want DC2...but thats utter crap as he used to tell the HV he couldnt wait for DC3 and its actually on my DS notes with HV.

Dont let this man destroy you on the inside.

I was on your other thread. I'm so sorry.

Never stay with an ambivalent partner, would be my advice. The only thing that ever motivates someone to make a choice in these situations is loss.

Tell him he's lost you even if you don't know whether that's accurate right now.

If he wants to keep his marriage, he will fight for you and tell the other woman it is you he wants. If he doesn't, it is better to know that now.

The two worst outcomes here would be that he continues the relationship with the OW alongside yours or that he chooses the affair and then when it burns out (as it will) or she ends it, you allow him to come back.

Charbon is spot on here. Her analysis is flawless. Chuck him out, he'll realise what he's lost. There's some risk (but actually probably not that high once you've taken the choice away from him) he'll decide then that he wants to go to OW. There's a risk to him that you will not have him back - seriously consider this option. Make sure he knows/thinks you're serious (even if you don't feel it). Take it from there.

So sorry

Please do take notice of what everyone is saying - I know too well how you must be feeling now. Remember the affair is all about him and how he chose to address his issues with himself and the marriage. You are responsible for only 50% of the marriage so do not dare to take the blame for his selfish shitty choices.

Sadly it seems that he is still attached to OW and NOTHING WILL WORK EXCEPT TO ASK HIM TO LEAVE.

You must take control and this will help your self esteem - get legal advice so that you know where to stand.

If you want to do some reading to help you process your thoughts and emotions, Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends comes highly recommended on here.

I'm so sorry grey.

I won't sugar coat it for you. I threw H out beginning of Jan and he has not come back, he is still with his OW. Our lovely little boy and my pregnancy didn't mean the same thing to him as it clearly did to me. It's shocking and hurtful, and when he (yes HE) said he wanted a divorce within 2 weeks of me finding out, I was utterly blindsided.

Your H may realise what he is throwing away and come home if you make him leave - that is entirely possible. It is also possible that he may not. The really important thing here is that you are ok, no matter what may happen. Get your RL support in place - prepare yourself with information, speak to a lawyer even if you don't tell him you have. Look into marriage counselling if you want it as an option but don't book anything until he asks to come.

Read the stuff on www.survivinginfidelity.com just for some perspective if you can - it really is good. When you take some space for yourself it's ok to fall to pieces for a bit, really and truly it is. You need to cry and feel the shock and hurt you have been given. I hope you will have someone around to give you a big cuddle and look after you and your DCs until some of the initial shock settles.

You are so close to this right now that you can't really make any decisions about what you really want for your future... it's going to be a rollercoaster and you will change your mind a lot. Just let the feelings happen and see where they take you... I'm afraid your H will have to experience his own rollercoaster. You can't soften that for him either.

Big hugs x

Morning OP. How are you?

not a great night, just feel sick to the stomach all the time, I asked him last night one final time I said what are you going to do about the OW and that I'm not prepared to do try if he doesn't mean every word of wanting to try properly with ME not just for the families sake. He said before our weekend away he had thought since christmas that we were over, things were bad, we didnt really talk (spend time together) I got drunk and ranted a lot at him. He said his emotions left him and he thought deep down we were over it was just a matter of time...
in the meantime OW comes along friendly etc forms a friendship they get on well and gel, he said it was so nice to be treated 'nicely' all the time and everytime he speaks to her she always has the time to sit and listen (no commitments and no children kind of enables this though lucky her for having the time)

Anyway last night he said after our weekend away that he saw bits in our relationship that actually hadnt left us, he thought we didnt get on anymore, well we laughed and had a brilliant day. He thought we no longer had things to talk about other than the childen, well we talked all day and night about everything and anything and didnt hardly mention the children. He said he doesnt want to lose everything, he wants to give "us" a try and after the weekend he sees hope. But, then he says after doing the worse thing in his life (the affair) that he is now in a terrible position and he can't imagine having to tell her. He has promised me he is going to tell her today over the phone. He said from here on he will always tell the truth. Last night before we went to bed he got a text, I said is that her, he said yes...I asked did you reply? He said no. This morning however when I checked showed that he did reply.

thanks so much for your all replies I just keep re-reading them....he is away tonight (arranged work thing for ages) so have a night alone to really think this through.

Well you gather all his shit tonight and have it ready for him to fuck off upon his return.