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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes Hmm and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:
Yeahthatsnotgonnahappen · 19/02/2012 22:41

I might be slightly mad on your behalf Blush

chickydoo · 19/02/2012 22:42

Oh yes....just to add, get him to buy you a new car, or tell him you will shag someone in his!

Beamur · 19/02/2012 22:42

Do not let him make you feel that this is your fault.

solidgoldbrass · 19/02/2012 22:42

Tell him to go, because you will not be able to trust him again and he will milk the situation if he stays: every time you disagree with him or expect anything from him or don't immediately drop your knickers when he asks for sex he will say, 'I wish I'd left you for the OW' or something similar. And it would be absolutely awful to live with a man who has made it pretty clear that he's not sorry, that he loves someone else more than he loves you and that he is only staying with you out of pity and duty.
YOU have the right to choose what happens next. You can throw him out and tell everyone that you have ended the marriage because of his infidelity. He will be legally obliged to pay maintenance towards the DC, you will get benefits if necessary and it may be that a court order mandates that you and the DC stay in the family home and he has to move out.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 22:42

Sorry to hear you are going through this :(

What he 'owes' her is nothing compared to what he 'owes' you. Tell him if he goes to see her, he can stay with her and not to bother coming back.

You two can only work your way through this if he understands what he has done and is prepared to do a lot of work to win you back. If there's any hint of you being 'lucky' to have him, it wont work.

AsdaFudgeyCal · 19/02/2012 22:43

Aw, grey , I am so sorry. Just had a quick read through your other thread too. Firstly, try to keep calm and don't drink (it will only make things worse, I promise).

I was recently in quite a similar position to you. He had been a shit to me for months and NOTHING I did could 'get through' to him, much like you on the other thread. At least you know now, this was part of his guilt due to the affair so do NOT go back and blame yourself; your behaviour did not drive him to an affair, he made that choice to cheat.

My H confessed the affair and, like yours said he would (begrudgingly) stay with me but he might still want to see her Shock and be friend with her. Like you, I was in so much shock I just accepted it and thought I'd make myself good enough for him and he wouldn't want to see her again.

THIS WILL NOT WORK Sad

It sounds like he is emotionally attached to this woman and is nowhere near sorry or guilty enough to even begin to work things out with you. You need to make him choose, and fast. Be prepared for him not to choose you, it will hurt like fuckery but it is the only way you will keep your self respect and you need that much much more than you need him.

After a week I threw my H out and told him that unless he cut all contact with her I did not want to know him. After a week or so he realised what he stood to lose with me and cut ties with her. We tried to make it work, but those first few week of dicking me about, seeing both of us and being a self indulgent prick (like yours is now) killed it for me and I can no longer trust or respect him.

He sure as hell respects me finally now, he definately wouldn't if I'd stayed with him and 'let' him see her. She would have always been the fun option and i would have always been the boring, nagging wife in his eyes. I couldnt let that happen and I still have (a bit) of self respect.

Take care of yourself. It is the most horrendous shock. Be firm and know that indulging him and letting him have his cake and eat it will NEVER end up well for you. He will lose any respect he has left for you and it will destroy you. I know this is horrible. The worst pain I've ever been through; someone you love choosing to hurt you. But keep strong and get some RL support. Indulge your self (just not with booze- I did, it's not good) and take your time.x

AnyFucker · 19/02/2012 22:43

ah, the blame game

do not listen to it, do not accept it

at any time, he could have decided the best way to act if he was unhappy was not to shag another woman in your car

flywiththecrows · 19/02/2012 22:44

and this is not your fault.

oh greyriver, I feel for you here.

Don't allow him to say its because you made him feel worthless. You did not ask him to have an affair

SlightlyJaded · 19/02/2012 22:46

OP you have so much to consider and your head must be reeling. Do one thing at this point. Tell him he cannot meet OW - it's a dealbreaker. He must end it on the phone with you listening and you'll take it from there.

If he doesn't jump at the chance, tell him it's over.

You need to be testing whether he is fighting for your relationship or he convenience of the marriage.

And then you can decide, in your own time, what you want to do.

Flanelle · 19/02/2012 22:46

What an utter fucking shit head Angry

aurynne · 19/02/2012 22:47

He did not seem to be half as worried about betraying you and your children, and breaking your relationship, as he seems to be about this woman.

He is taking the piss. And if you let him stay and go on seeing her, he will take you as a mug for the rest of the relationship.

You need all your strength now, greyriver. If you really want to save this relationship, you need to kick him out and be resolute. If he sees he can go on disrespecting you, and that you love him too much to let him go, he won't make an effort. Why would he? He can have a loyal wife and kids at home, and a shag on the side.

He needs to take immediate responsibility for what he has done, and break it off straight away. And then make amends, go to relate, whatever it is needed.

You are not responsible for what has happened, nor are you to stand him "mourning" his lust for his lover. You are the victim here.

Kick him out, I say.

Pharoahnuff · 19/02/2012 22:48

Ime men will break it off with ow. Then resume contact. Then do a trial sep then leave.

Your task is to get him to agree finances before his guilt runs out. A judge is unlikely to overturn whatever he agrees initially. Photocopy all in financial paperwork too. Fast.

flywiththecrows · 19/02/2012 22:49

OP - can you answer this question?

What worries you the most?

Is it losing a partner and a lover, or losing the stability of your life as it is at the moment?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 22:51

You did not make him fuck her - he choose to do that. It doesn't matter one bit what you said/did/didn't do/didn't say - he had a responsibility to you & your relationship to discuss that with you - not fuck someone else.

He is not ready to recommit to you while he is blaming you - tell him to go and stay with friends/parents/park bench.

Original poster
greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:51

its worse tho as this weekend we had a babysitter, so went off to london for the weekend. we had such a fab day yesterday, just like the old times, laughing holding hands etc. This is how ii all materialised this morning, he was laying in bed rubbing his head, i said its like your making a massive decision...he started to cry saying its the worse thing he's ever done but he's been having an affair. He said he had previously thought he was sure he was going to leave me, but after such a brilliant day yesterday its confused him and shown him that there is still some love left...

OP posts:
flywiththecrows · 19/02/2012 22:53

he's throwing you the scraps OP

Original poster
greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:54

what you are all saying is so true. But wont i just throw him into the bed with the OW and then whats worrying me most is giving up my children at weekends etc and shared custody etc. I need my children with me :( And yes I do love him as a partner, its not my lifestyle, as lovely as that may be :(

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 19/02/2012 22:57

And right now he's sleeping like a baby Sad

Beamur · 19/02/2012 22:57

My Dad (a serial adulterer) always waited until he and Mum were getting on really well before he confessed to any misdoings - whether it is deliberate or not, it really catches you off balance.
I could be wrong, but your husband may well be genuinely confused right now, but you need to have a calm think about what you want to happen next - rather than wait and see what he wants to do.

flywiththecrows · 19/02/2012 22:58

ok OP, I understand what you're saying about him going straight to her when you throw him out.

So take this advice

Add message | Report | Message poster SlightlyJaded Sun 19-Feb-12 22:46:43
OP you have so much to consider and your head must be reeling. Do one thing at this point. Tell him he cannot meet OW - it's a dealbreaker. He must end it on the phone with you listening and you'll take it from there.

If he doesn't jump at the chance, tell him it's over.

You need to be testing whether he is fighting for your relationship or he convenience of the marriage.

And then you can decide, in your own time, what you want to do.

And also Pharoahs regarding the finances.

If you want to fight for your marriage then do so, he needs to want to fight too or you leave yourself open for more upset.

Test his commitment to you. He cannot have you both.

cakeismysaviour · 19/02/2012 22:58

:( I know its not the done thing on mumsnet, but have a huge hug from me. xx

Please don't let him walk all over you, he clearly has no respect for you atm, so make sure that you assert yourself. If you want to give things a go then you need to be clear about what you expect from him. Lay down the law and tell him what you want - I suggest that cutting ALL ties from OW and proving to you that he has and continues to have no contact with her, be top of the list of demands.

Keep talking to us.

aurynne · 19/02/2012 23:00

You didn't throw him in bed with the OW the first time, did you?, and you won't do it the second time either. It is all 100% HIS decision. If he really loves you and wants to fight for you, HE will choose NOT to run into the OW's arms if you kick him out. He will stay with a friend, or his parents, and show you how committed he is to fighting for you.

If he can't be bothered doing that, then please believe me, he is not worth fighting for.

cakeismysaviour · 19/02/2012 23:01

Oh and what has been said about the finances - You really MUST do this.

Original poster
greyriver · 19/02/2012 23:04

oh god :( I really have to do this first thing in the morning dont i...

How to brave the school run etc oh my god i just want to curl up into a ball Saying it all outloud on here has just about shown me what a mug I have been

OP posts:
hugeheadofhair · 19/02/2012 23:04

If you don't call the shots then he will. And you will be forever wondering if he really loves you, and you will try to make him love you instead of the other way around and feel forever insecure.
Be strong. You have got to lay down the rules and conditions if you want to have an equal relationship ever again.
Lots of good advice here on MN.