so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

[greyriver]

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

and a quiet word in mutual friends ears re: ending his short term living arrangements would go a long way IMO.

his attitude might change as soon as he realises that there are no free rides in this life and he's going to have to start finding some proper accommodation.

then you'll be back holding the cards, and he'll realise exactly what he's losing.

that he is still trying to get you to compete with OW for his affections! He clearly thinks you are still hooked and will take the blame for his behavior and have him back imminently should he decide to come back. Not even sure he misses you! How dare he?

He is not exactly fulfilling those promises of a few days ago to "do whatever it takes"!

If he persists with this bullshit, feels "pushed away", goes to OW and blames you, then he is not a man worth having.

Disagree with crows, good in theory, but having a word about his living arrangements would imply that grey cares about said living arrangements! Anyway, am sure he'll outstay his welcome pretty soon without any prompting!

fair point Dozer.

He sounds totally self-absorbed, its all about him and what he feels and wants. He isn't sorry for what he has done, he doesn't give two hoots about your feelings, he only cares about the situation from his point of view.

I agree so much with the poster who says that he sees himself as a prize to be won. He expects you and the OW to want to compete for his affections, whilst he lies back and enjoys the attentions of you both striving to outdo each other.

Obviously thinks a lot of himself, the deluded little shit. You will never be his number one, OP, nobody will ever be his number one because he is his own number one and he will always put himself and his cock before any partner that he has.

Oh Grey. Am for you because I understand that you are still at the stage where 'hope' feels like all you have and with everything he says or does, that hope is being dashed.

The way you feel now is temporary.
Your DH will always be a self absorbed twat
The affair is probably temporary
The lesson you send to your children and the long term effects of the choices you make now, are forever.

It's hard but you have to look at the bigger picture and focus on long term happiness not short term comfort.

and for you for having to deal with his childish, selfish angst when all you should be doing at this point is sending back flowers and telling him to get off his knees.

Grey, not been able to spend any time on here for a few days and I'm so sad -and fecking furious - to see the position he has put you in.

Take a step back (impossible I know) and realise that you're like a dog sat at his masters table waiting for any scraps he throws.

Why would you be ALLOWING him to treat you like this? Because you still love him.

But is that love returned? - No, the man you fell in love with and married has changed for good. No fault of yours, he has a weakness.

I spent 7 hellish weeks trying to convince myself that everything was going to be ok between my DH and I when I took him back following his affair. That ruddy OW was there between us all the time though, yet he was the only one who could see her.

Like yours, he was/is in a fantasy world, but you need to take control now and take the "choice" away from him as to who he is with.

xx

You, Grey, an idiot???? I would like to tell you: you are one of the strongest women I have ever 'heard of'.
Your clear decisions, your clear boundaries, your (on the whole) radio silences whilst in shock and grief just show the most incredible resolve. You are doing the right thing whilst in terrible pain and having your life as you knew it and your future blown up in your face.

Please compare your behaviour with a certain idiot who shall remain anonymous :

I let him straight back home (he had had 2 years of my blindness to Thoroughly Explore Her Options and come to the conclusion that he felt worse. Well, that is what splitting yourself and lying does, sweetheart);
He 'tried really hard' whilst I was in shock and disbelief (still all about him);
The consequences of his choices (my pain rage and mistrust) are very hurtful to his fragile little self;
We rapidly reverted to the usual pattern of relating;
It took me this long (3 years) obsessing about the hot sex, then the wonderful relationship, they MUST have had, for him to throw me and his family under a bus, to finally realise, what he and the counsellors told me in the first place: that 'she' was irrelevant, if it wasn't her it would have been somebody else, it was all about HIM;
Me starting to realise that 'the affair' was merely the most unacceptable and hurtful part of a PATTERN of selfishness and abandonment;
We reverting to our old pointless futile patterns etc (sorry, this point is important) in which I realise (thanks Charbon) that the problem really is not 'us' except to the extent of my co dependence but has always been him;

for me to finally, after 3 years, to give him an ultimatum: you choose between your personality disorder/defenses or losing your family, and you have 3 months. That unless you demonstrate clear and measurable signs you are confronting yourself/your behaviours, you leave.

I am calm, and clear in this. Life really should not be this painful.

Three years it has taken me. Now, compare that against your 'idiot' self, Grey! Respect!

Oops, no edit:

Could I make it clear that he was absolutely certain he wanted his wife and family back and that family is the most valuable thing. I know this to be true. He just didn't want to do any serious 'me' work apart from lip service and tinkering round the edges. His highly qualified IC certainly treats him with tremendous kid gloves to keep his trust (I still wonder if he can, really, face himself ever (trauma based NPD)

He is also a wonderful father and good provider and DOES have a sense of fairness.

So it is not as though I am a battered Stockholm syndrome person. But to get your head round the reality of narcissism and the insane, destructive lengths they will go to NOT to face themselves, is so not normal that it takes time to get it. I still don't tbh.

I have followed your story (which is quite like mine) with huge sympathy, you poor thing

As long as he is vacillating between you and OW, don't let him tell you hurtful things. Refuse to listen.

If he can't handle you pushing him away only a short while after he blew your life apart, his declared desire to try again is worth nothing. It might be what you want to hear, but it's a hollow declaration. He is in no way ready for the long, rocky and painful road to rebuilding your marriage.

So whatever you do, do NOT let him draw you in a confidence-destroying battle to win him back. He's no prize anyway...

Keep your distance and hold on to whatever strength you can find.

Hi Grey how was the weekend? Are you ok? X

Grey Just sat here and you popped into my head.......Hows things going?
Hope you are OK?

Hi Gret, how are you?