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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so he is having an affair you were right :( now what do I do?

438 replies

greyriver · 19/02/2012 22:20

history www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1400435-Marriage-advice-please-ways-to-turn-it-back-around-we-used-to-be-best-friends

Have now found countless text messages and calls, confronted him and he has admitted to texting someone and becoming close to someone. Then this morning he's admitted to having a full blown affair...sex in my car down back lanes Hmm and he is now in love with this woman....

he said he wants to try and work things out with me, try to love this 'woman less' and 'love me more'.... jee's seeing this in text makes me feel like such a fool :(

He doesn't want to lose me, my family, the children...our life....

But he isn't sure he can give this woman up totally? ie may still need to text her etc.... Part of him still loves me, but he said that currently his chest is pounding at the thought of ending his 12 wk 'relationship' with someone else.....and that he 'loves' soooo much I just dont understand the turmoil he is in apparently....? He is dreading telling her that its over, and that he can't promise anything...(whatever that means.....)

wtf? Sorry but am i being a fool?? Clearly you ladies can see through everything, and I was actually cuddling him earlier because he was so upset about giving this (girl) up....for our marriage....what am I doing??

cant think straight....actually i cant breath either :(

OP posts:
lurkingaround · 20/02/2012 11:48

I know you feel like shit. Of course you do. :(

But if you DO something, like get him out, (i sound like a broken record), or make a plan in your head, while you will still feel like shit, you will feel better iykwim. You will have protected yourself and your self esteem etc to some degree.

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/02/2012 11:49

You need real life support and that means telling people in real life - start with close friends and family members.

notanotherstatistic · 20/02/2012 11:54

I cant bear the thought of telling people

Neither could I at the time, but it will give some power back to you, give you some real-life support and also make it less easy for you to deny what is going on. Please listen to what all these wise people are saying.

Your situation is so similar to where I was three years ago; make it different by not handling it the way I did. Be bold.

EightiesChick · 20/02/2012 11:54

The very least he could do is cancel the 'long-standing' work event tonight. He could lie and say he has a stomach bug, whatever. Tell him you two need to talk tonight and if he can't prioritise that there will be a suitcase waiting for him on the step at the end of the night.

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 12:04

hes already gone....again saying he wants to try but cant promise anything

OP posts:
PosiePumblechook · 20/02/2012 12:05

Grey you have nothing to lose by making the first move to boot him out of your life, and everything to gain. Make it your choice, not his, you'll have some self respect then.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 12:06

then he has to have his suitcase on the doorstep upon his return

this "can't promise anything" means he is setting you up so he can dick you around

you would be a fool to allow it

QuintessentialyHollow · 20/02/2012 12:07

He is an arse. He has more concern for the mistress than you. He wants you to console him and show him understanding. WtAf.

Please pack his bags and start preparing for the inevitable.

Speak to a solicitor about what rights you have, and try to work out your financial situation, to see what you are entitled to.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 12:07

he is seeing her tonight, I would bet my house on it

notanotherstatistic · 20/02/2012 12:16

he wants to try but cant promise anything

This is hardly him making a commitment to you, is it? Weakest, blandest statement ever. You should be angry! I'm angry on your behalf.

imoanruby · 20/02/2012 12:31

grey i wasn't going to post on here as i have never been in your situation but i had to say something as am so very Angry on your behalf.

He said he would be honest to you from now on and then he lied about responding to her text...that's just awful, he can't even be honest now and to say to you - the mother of his children, his wife "i can't promise anything" i'm sorry but that tells you all you need to know.

Pack his bags for him tonight and make him leave, if he really wants to be with you he will go and stay with family, not the OW. Then maybe, if you want to, you can try to rebuild your marriage.

Please be strong, you deserve to be treated with so much more respect than he is showing you.

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/02/2012 12:49

Grrrrr at "I will try but cant promise anything" , what a weak, spineless and selfish coward he is. He is taking the piss and I am now convinced he is going to see OW tonight.

flywiththecrows · 20/02/2012 12:50

this man has a fucking neck the size of a giraffes Angry

he doesn't respect you OP

Now it's time for you to take the lead, don't let him dick you around.

all this can't promise anything bullshit, suitcases on the doorstep imo.

In fact, I'd text him saying 'get home now, work thing or no work thing to sort this out or you'll find your suitcase awaiting your return'

flywiththecrows · 20/02/2012 12:53

The conversation with OW tonight will be more along the lines of 'can I move in?' that's why he can't promise anything.

If she says yes then he's leaving you anyway

If she says no then he'll try again with you

Do you want her to dictate the rest of your life.

Take the bull by the horns and make your own decision, don't roll over and allow then to dictate your life.

Original poster
greyriver · 20/02/2012 12:58

she lives with her parents still...

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 20/02/2012 13:00

OP, I'm going to be blunt because maybe it will help you see exactly where you are in this sorry tale.

Do you want to be the doormat wife that puts up with anything ?
Do you want to be the subordinate in your relationship ?
Do you want your H and the OW to be laughing at you behind your back ?

Is this what you imagined when you stood at the altar with your H and made your wedding vows ? Your H is taking you for a mug and the only reason he is able to do so is because you are allowing him to.

OhdearNigel · 20/02/2012 13:00

He'll be up shit creek when you kick him out then, won't he ?

OhdearNigel · 20/02/2012 13:02

OP, do you know this girl ? from your posts is sounds as if you do - or your H has been gob-smackingly wankery and told you everything about her ? Charming

LiarsWife · 20/02/2012 13:02

Sorry greyriver that this is happening to you - I've been through it all .. along with the 'I'm not sure if I can get the feeling back now '(that I love you but am not in love with you) ... As soon as I had confirmation of the affair after all the lies and deceit it was over for me however ...

Please pack his bag and tell him to go. You will get through this.

PeppermintPasty · 20/02/2012 13:04

Grey, I'm so sorry.

I was in this situation-my DP was having an affair and lying to my face about it-all the "looking me in the eyes" stuff. I so so desperately wanted to believe him that I blinded myself to the obvious and somewhere deep inside my subconscious, when I did find out through digging around, I decided to "fight for him" (oh the shame!) rather than do what I should have done and kick him out.

He certainly was a booby prize to fight for, I couldn't see it then. Although I talked a good fight, I put all the blame on myself, made myself ill with it really, while he swanned about playing us off against each other, somehow getting to play the part of the wounded honourable (PAH!) hero.

The thing is, I know now, looking back, that had I chucked him out at once, his whole life would have gone tits up, and he would have been revealed as the weak vacillating arse that he was. I did in fact get rid a while later, but some of the ground was lost-ie it had worn me out, made me ill, and I had lost 6 months or more of my life that I'll never get back again.

It wasn't until I started taking back the control that my life turned around and began to get back on track.

Take on board the experiences on this thread, if you can. I know it's hard, and unbearable, and sickening, but the fact is-if you let him go you will soon have the truth of whether he loves you or not. I really wish I had known about MN then.

We are with you xx

LiarsWife · 20/02/2012 13:05

greyriver do you want your children to have the example of a mum who does the right thing or a mum who is a doormat??

You will feel better once you take the control of the situation back - why wait for him to decide your fate???

bleedingheart · 20/02/2012 13:05

He has to go, if not for good then at least until you feel able to trust him again (if you ever do). At the moment you are waiting to see what he will do. Seize control of your life. It is horrible and difficult but you can't stay in limbo.

I am so sorry that he has not only done this to you but is being so totally and utterly heartless and self-absorbed in the way he's handling it.

flywiththecrows · 20/02/2012 13:06

of course she does, sorry OP that explains the backseat car shagging.

There is a lot of good advice on here greyriver, I hope you can take a little bit from each of us and make a decision that suits you and your family.

I do hope that you make the right decision and it proves to be fruitful. Please remember that sometimes a change is as good as a rest. It is scary to think of the future without the person you envisaged spending the rest of your life with - at this moment he doesn't deserve you and he needs to fight, beg and plead for another chance here. But if he cannot do this (and this is what he's shown so far) then unfortunately your decision needs to be to cut him out. At least for the short term anyway.

I wish you al the hugs in the world OP, do you have someone in RL to help you through this?

sandyboots · 20/02/2012 13:12

OP this is so like my exh its uncanny. he had a 'meeting' too - in a wine bar with OW as it later turned out.

If you let him he'll dick you about indefinitely until he decides what's best for him and in the meantime cause you untold pain. Even so its still not your fault and you will come out the other side.

However, if you can bring yourself to do so please follow the advice on here and get him out of the house to give you space to decide what to do and take the initiative. Like others have said, you really have nothing to lose.
He should be begging forgiveness. You are worth so much more than this.

You have probably been putting him first for so long it's second nature. Put YOU and DCs first now.
You could text him and say you some time to decide what you want to do so he'll have to find somewhere else to stay for at least the next fortnight initially?

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 13:13

she lives with her parents ? How old is she exactly ?

That explains his "can't promise anything"...the stupid fuckers don't have anywhere to go (diddums). or perhaps her parents will welcome a married man with children into their home ?

how pathetic

have you booked a visit to the clap clinic yet, love ?