Wife getting fat - I am getting upset and worried

[MagicDad]

IN the last six months, my wife has put on loads of weight, and it's really upsetting me because I don't know how to tackle it, or encourage her to tackle it. (I don't mean a couple of pounds, either....)

It's safe to assume she knows this. There are mirrors in the house, and her clothes don't fit. The last time I tried to gently raise the issue, a couple of months ago, she got very upset. I don't want to hurt her, so I've more or less shut up about it, since when she has got fatter. She eats stuff that she never used to touch: biscuits, sweets etc. She eats far more than I do and I'm four inches taller and a bloke.

It's a bit more complicated: her mother died last year, which may well have something to do with it, as might the menopause: she is 50 and the change has started, she is pretty certain. Now, I'm no shrink or female health expert, but may either or both of these things contribute to her over-eating?

Even if that is the case, how do I help her? If she is eating because of grief for her mum, how can I help her through this? If it's a menopausal thing, what can help? Even raising the subject will hurt her feelings and I don't want to do that. I hate the possibility that she may be miserable inside, but if I broach it, it will come round to the most obvious symptom: her weight gain.

I love my wife, and I value our marriage and family massively. I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do.

Shallow git.

Your wife is going through the change and has lost her Mum recently and you are worrying about how it affects you.

You sound like a complete catch.

Ask her if she's happy. Listen to the result. (I'm sure you do this anyway).

I do feel for you tbh - it can be difficult when your partner changes physically. And you're right, the body reacts differently as menopause happens.

I also know more than one couple who have split up and the wife's primary reason for leaving is the lack of support she felt from her partner when a parent died. Hence my reason for suggesting that you focus on her emotional state right now, and worry about the physical side later.

Ouch - I am guessing you are not the king of tact??? But I see what you mean - maybe you need to rephrase it! You are worried because your wife is distressed and seeking comfort in food. And she's getting fat and that's going to make her unhappier too, in the long run... yes?

Chipping I dont think the OP comes across like that

there have been many threads on here with women posters worrying about their partners weight

I don't think you're a shallow git. The problem is she isn't going to be receptive to comments because she is aware of it and it will hurt her. Until she is ready to tackle it all raising it will do is make her defensive and upset.

Be there for your wife. Talk to her about her loss of her mum - ask if she might benefit from some grief counselling. She is possibly grieving deeply and turning to emotional eating - and needs to find someway through where she is now.

Just be there for her.

you shouldn't care what she looks like. you should care about her health ( which i think you do )

Your wife clearly knows what she's doing (we've all been there) and is obviously taking it personally when you talk to her. You won't be able to help so don't!

I've had a fat moment in my life and my wonderful dp never said a word, and if he had i'd have been upset. If i moaned to him about my weight he'd tell me i looked beautiful ( probably lying but it kept my spirits up!)

I've now lost the weight, it was a down time in my life, and as those things changed, so did my attitude to food hence losing the weight again. She is an adult and knows the consequence of overeating - doens't need you pointing it out.

why don't you focus your energy on making her feel loved, special, supported look after her mental health not her weight.

Chipping the OP said "I hate the possibility that she may be miserable inside" Yes, the post ends with saying that he cares what she looks like, but overall there is concern for the wife's wellbeing and happiness.

She will most probably be comfort eating through grief. If you can try and be as sympathetic and responsive to her as possible and above all listen to her and plan enjoyable things to do together. She probably feels a bit shut off from the world in general and as if no one really understands. Food will be a comfort but you could try and provide the comfort too.

If my husband suddenly started overeating and gaining a lot of weight, I would sure as fuck worry about him.

It's not shallow not to want to watch your spouse binge eat themselves into an early grave.

"I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do."

Until this bit I was hoping you were concerned about her health rather than her appearance but apparently not

You need to stop worrying about her appearance and start worrying about how she is coping with the changes in her life and support her through them.

Alternatively...how much do you weigh?

I put on 2.5 stone in the year after my Mother died. I'd always been one to watch my figure and weight but it's just so difficult. Food is comforting.

I'd also hazard a guess the menopause has plenty to do with it. It's really difficult to fight hormones.

My partner has been understanding and kind to me and still loving which has helped me a lot because I want to lose the weight more because I don't feel he is pressuring me.

I think all you can do is be supportive. She's probably really hurting. It might help her to get some bereavement counselling?

She'll get through it if she has your unconditional love and support.

I'm not sure how useful my advice will be but I'll let you know what I think. Firstly, you sound like you genuinely care and want to help your wife so I hope you find the help that you need. Your wife sounds like she may be depressed but is also going through a whole load of changes that could be causing emotional and physical (hormonal) strains. After experiencing a bereavement and also beginning menopause I would say that her reactions are really very normal. The main thing now though is whether these feelings are dealt with or whether they escalate and get worse before they get better. Whatever happens, don't panic; you wife is going through issues that are difficult for many women to deal with. Have the two of you talked much about how she is feeling generally? About her mother? Her life in general? Children? Your relationship? It may be better to start conversations about her and how the both of you could help her to feel a bit happier, rather than your asking or raising the subject of her eating or weight.

I realise that you're not saying that your wife has any sort of eating disorder but in the fairly distant past I suffered from an eating disorder and did a lot of research into food and eating habits and how they can be linked to mood/emotions etc. I am also Master of Psychology so I've looked into this in quite a lot of detail. Eating habits are strongly (and I really believe strongly) linked to our feelings of security/self-esteem/happiness etc. I'm sure you realise this already, but people often eat to comfort themselves. Eating and binge eating is also commonly done to help distract someone from the other difficult feelings that they may have. If someone is feeling depressed or is going through a lot of emotional changes they may eat to help cover up those feelings. No matter whether a woman has a disorder or not, she is still going to be very sensitive about her weight and weight gain (especially if she is already experiencing hormonal changes), so I would avoid discussing this too directly. I don't think the whole issue should be avoided completely but start with what may really be bothering her - the eating habits are probably just a by-product of something more serious, sort that out and the eating will probably improve as well.

Try talking about what the two of you could do together to give her something to feel good about every week. Recommend that she does something to relax and look after herself regularly, that she has time to take care of herself. Even if it's only for an hour or two a week it may be enough for her a) to know that you care and love her and b) for her to relax and feel a bit better about herself. Also, think about counselling or maybe even buying a self-help book or something about helping her to come to terms with the death of her mother - it's obviously had a huge impact. Encourage her to have fun, take up something together to help her to get fit - walking? Salsa dancing? Bike-riding? I don't know what you're into but maybe if you suggested doing something like that as a couple (or as a family - I don't know if you have children) she may not take it too personally. Exercise also really improves our mood so would influence her feelings about herself and her weight and may help improve her eating habits. Whatever happens just remember that she is obviously going through a rough time, probably beating herself up about something - eating is a vicious circle though - if you only deal with the food issue - she'll probably just think 'oh, I'm fat, I'm useless, what's the point in trying, I'll just eat something more.' You really need to approach this from a different angle - get to the root of the problem and then make small steps to help her feel better about herself. The eating will sort itself out after that. Most of all, tell her you love her, hopefully the time that you spend sorting through the issues will help you to see past the weight issues yourself and you'll both be able to feel more positive.

Good luck.

And I don't think you're shallow. Relationships are hard and you are just being honest; that's brave and shows that you care, it's not shallow.

Who does the shopping? You should either do the shopping, or go with your wife and start cooking low fat meals yourself.

Ask her to go for a walk in the evenings or get out the board/card games.

Don't have a conversation about her weight, you may not like how she responds!

Handle with great care.

Cybbo - I disagree I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do Shallow as a puddle.

Blimey mindy, i would have thought if the OP starts taking over the food department and serving up large salads and low-fat dressings, his partner is going to feel even more out of control and 'managed' and is likely to react badly. I really think it's best to stay off the topic of food and onto the topic of emotions at the mo.

You do need to bear in mind, as well, the possibility that your wife doesn't mind being fatter. Some people see no need to give in to the social pressure to starve themselves or at least eat less than they would like. It's not impossible that, now her mother is gone she has reassessed her life and decided that dieting is a lot of crap and from now on she will enjoy her food.

If this is the case, you'll have to learn to live with it. Her body is hers, not yours.

GiraffeQueen: Thank you for the time you have taken to write that reply, and for the others too. (Well, not the first one, obviously, but such are the perils of seeking advice on an internet forum...)

The thing is, she has seemed fine about her mum! Sad at the time, for sure, but if I suddenly start asking about her feelings/grief etc...she'll see it as a roundabout way of approaching the topic of her overeating.

GiraffeQueen: you sound like you know about this, so tell me: does she know she's doing this? I mean, surely she knows she's eating loads more and getting fatter, so why does she do it? Can she not stop? Or is she somehow deluding herself? I know that sounds like I'm insensitive but it sounds like a serious disorder.

I'm no expert except for my own experience.

When i piled on weight i was very low, comfort ate, saw the weight go on. but didnt' care because i didn't have any self esteem anyway, it didn't matter that i didn't like the way i looked. As my mental health got healthier, i naturally started to eat less (without even realising) and then i could see the weight had gone without trying simply because i felt better mentally and had regained my self esteem.

not sure i've explained that too well but hope you get what i mean?

I can't even begin to know what's going on exactly but what I know of eating disorders and binge eating is that 'knowing that you're doing it' doesn't really do much to stop it. When I had issues I remember knowing what I was doing and even talking openly about it with people but still doing it nevertheless and it was the self-destructive side of the problem that made it persist. My problem was different, I had bulimia, but I learnt a lot about eating and how disorders can manifest themselves in so many different ways. Binge eating disorders are really common and heavily related to what I had. Plus, binge, is a stupid, widely misunderstood term too. To me, a binge could have been only one or two chocolate bars (which, now I don't think anything of). It's perception and how the sufferer feels about her/himself that's the issue. Also, I was very aware of what I was doing but I don't think I wanted to stop until I made the conscious decision to do something to feel happier (CBT/counselling). I knew that if I ate such and such I would feel bad but I did it anyway. I definitely think that people shift their negative feelings onto food - that way they can focus on that as the problem and not what's really bothering them.

It's difficult if your wife says that she's fine about her mother because she sounds like someone who likes to 'keep going' and 'put on a brave face' no matter what. That's tricky because admitting that something is wrong is therefore going to be hard, especially if she then accuses you of simply wanting to address the weight issue. I think any conversation would really need to be started off very gently and you'd have to emphasise right from the beginning that you still find her beautiful/sexy etc (even if you're struggling right now, just say it anyway!! - and besides, attraction isn't only physical, if you can both do something to open up emotionally, everything else always follows... - I digress), that it's not about the food and that you're simply worried that she doesn't seem herself.

Also, PLEASE be wary of mentioning the word eating disorder. I know I'm the one who raised it, but I swear, when my doctor told me that 'yes, I did have bulimia etc...' I definitely got worse. I'm not saying skirt the issue entirely but I would just tread carefully and still try to focus on simply doing things to make her feel good. If she says, 'I do feel good, there's nothing wrong,' try suggesting that you want to do things with her. That you miss her, want to spend more time together etc. Any wife who hears that from her husband is going to start feeling loved, happier etc and that can surely help. If she really won't admit the negatives (it's not always the best approach to dig things up for some...) just focus on what you can do to help her enjoy life more, focus on something other than the food obsession. Hope that helps - think I'm starting to ramble again!

If ALL he cared about was physical appearance that would be shallow... But weight is something that we can (and should for our general well being) control. You can't shoot someone down for saying they prefer their partner physically as they were before. That's just the truth... Doesn't sound like he loves her or values her any less.

What the OP hasn't said is whether or not his wife appears to mind that she is gaining some weight. Maybe she doesn't mind.
It is a good idea to be nice to her, suggest things you can do together, etc, whatever the situation. But the fact remains that whether she is fat or thin or just an average healthy-but-not-fashionable size is up to her.