Wife getting fat - I am getting upset and worried

[MagicDad]

IN the last six months, my wife has put on loads of weight, and it's really upsetting me because I don't know how to tackle it, or encourage her to tackle it. (I don't mean a couple of pounds, either....)

It's safe to assume she knows this. There are mirrors in the house, and her clothes don't fit. The last time I tried to gently raise the issue, a couple of months ago, she got very upset. I don't want to hurt her, so I've more or less shut up about it, since when she has got fatter. She eats stuff that she never used to touch: biscuits, sweets etc. She eats far more than I do and I'm four inches taller and a bloke.

It's a bit more complicated: her mother died last year, which may well have something to do with it, as might the menopause: she is 50 and the change has started, she is pretty certain. Now, I'm no shrink or female health expert, but may either or both of these things contribute to her over-eating?

Even if that is the case, how do I help her? If she is eating because of grief for her mum, how can I help her through this? If it's a menopausal thing, what can help? Even raising the subject will hurt her feelings and I don't want to do that. I hate the possibility that she may be miserable inside, but if I broach it, it will come round to the most obvious symptom: her weight gain.

I love my wife, and I value our marriage and family massively. I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do.

I am 5 foot 7, I weigh 13 stone 5lb I am a size 18. (I come from a family of not over weigh people)
I comfort eat, I get out of breath walking up the stairs.
I am surrounded by people who love me and who love me enough to say Rabid you are getting very big and it is not healthy, I know I am loved weather size 0 or size 30 but sometimes, someone has to turn round and say stop shovelling cake in your face before it hits home.

Fat is NOT healthy no matter how much people want to harp on about how wonderful Adele looks, yes bigger woman can dress beautifully, yes they can look sexy and yes they will need bigger coffins.

I am glad I have people around me who love me enough to say that they are worried about my size effecting my health especially as all my grandparents died of heart attacks and my dad died at 49 of a heart attack, and my mother is diabetic.
I think OP you need to sit your wife down and tell her how worried you are about her health and if she gets upset so be it, better to have her crying then dead

madonnawhore, something2say placed all that stuff firmly at the door of pleasing men. Whether you are I (or both) are correct merely proves that it was all misplaced blame.

MagicDad - as mentioned before, it can sometimes be a matter of control. If your wife has some control over what you cook and what you shop for the house she might feel better about eating.

Think of it from her point of view. At the moment she's a bit like a child - being fed by you. It is possible that she's snacking precisely because it's something she has control over. What job does she do - does she have autonomy in her job or is it a reactive one?

Many working parents share cooking and shopping roles even their partner stays at home. She could cook and you could wash up?

Amelia - Why do you prefer your hair blonde rather than mousey? What is wrong with mousey in your opinion?

I think you know why I asked that question and it was not a hijack.

Sanjeev, women dress and primp to compete with each other, for men, not among each other just for the heck of it or to one up each other.

Allboxedin, you won -- you got the man and the home and the children. 'Wouldnt go out without a shower or a little dab of slap but I am not bothered half as much because I guess I am so much more settled in my life. I am married and I do think it is important to make an effort and I hope I always do, but not to the same extent.' The rest of your post illustrates exactly what I said about women's status in society, and refutes Sanjeev's argument.

Amelia can you please stick to discussing OP and his wife's problem?

OP, perhaps you could get your wife on here (not this thread of course) to discuss why she overeats? She really isn't the only one in the world that does it and it might help.

I still need to know more about why you think it's the menopause/Mum's death that's the problem. Most women go through these with a few blips but it's rare, once you are a sorted adult, to go into meltdown about either. There must be something more to it. I think it's about lack of autonomy - what do you think?

Math, this is my last comment, because this is the OP's thread. If women go through all that palaver, from primping their hair all the way up to plastic surgery, then they are wasting their time. We don't notice new hairdo's, dresses, shoes etc. Absolute waste of time. Women NEVER miss these things though - funny that.

You are being conned by the fashion industry, and that is a problem for women to address, not men. If you do it for madonnawhore's reason then more power to you. There is nothing wrong with having some self respect.

math, not before I went through what I don't want to discuss on here beforehand. I didnt just 'win and get it' Life is not that easy is it?! You sound almost bitter about that one.
I was really just thinking out aloud, not trying to 'agree' or disagree with anyone but I can see where Sanjeev is coming from, if that is not too much of a crime!!

...and I have never dressed to compete with someone else for a man. That is just as shallow IMO You dress to feel good about yourself, if you feel good about yourself it doesnt matter if you get a man at the end of it or not if you have your own mind. If you are looking for a guy who cares just about the way you dress then you wont get much further than a one night stand.

spenditwisely
a) Can I ask if you are a moderator here?

and

b) Your request about staying on topic should be addressed to mathanxiety. If you read the last few posts she made, she was the one to post a question to me, which I made clear to her was a hijack of the OP's thread. Which is why I have not continued to engage with her, even though her agenda is obvious.

But in either case, it's not your place to tell me or anyone what we can post.

AThinginYourLife sorry I missed your question. I had to learn, I was being slowly poisoned by thryoxine and collapsed. Turned out it was not being converted in my body or getting into the cells where it needs to be, I was hours from coma/death. If you feel well on your 50mcg, you must be converting it so don't worry. If you feel dreadful, with lots of chest pain and palpitations, you do need to look further. PM me if so and I will give you some links. x

spenditwisely: I don't think it necessarily is about her mum or the (peri)menopause, I just wondered if that might be behind it. TBH, we talked a little this evening about her mum, and so far as I can tell she is OK about it all. I mean, I'm not an expert in this but I do know my wife very well! I guess I am trying to find reasons that a woman who always cared about her appearance and health (not in an obsessive way, just normal stuff: watching what she eats, doing a bit of exercise etc.) should have apparently decided (and I use the word advisedly) that it's no longer so important, either for herself or for me.

(ANd while I know you mean it kindly and helpfully, changing the cooking arrangements is not the answer, not in this case, anyway. The last thing DW wants to do when she gets in at 7pm is start to cook a family meal.)

My God, it takes up time to participate in a thread on here, doesn't it?! SOrry if that's stating the obvious, but I'm not an MN regular and if I don't respond much more it isn't because I don't value the input people are offering, but for the next few days I won't be at the computer so much.

sounds much more like hormonal changes than anything else, appetite is up, metabolism down. If progestogen is falling, then so do 'happy' emotions and she may crave food to raise mood. Maybe she needs hormonal 'alternative' supplements or HRT even.
OP, or yes, it takes a LOT of time, some of us are on here all eve!

I like your name HGT :)

Sanjeev -- Do men prefer women with 'self respect' then? (If that's what you wish to call it).

I'm not sure I can be accused of an agenda here and would be interested in hearing what it is. I can assure everyone that I am not taking a swipe at a huge part of society (i.e women older than 45, myself included).

Allboxedin I was just trying to be concise as I was rushing somewhere. All of your observations about women's appearance all over the world pointed to what I said that women do not compete with each other just for the heck of it. They are doing it to secure a partner and the favoured appearance that they work to achieve depends in every instance on what they think men want. So in some Asian societies women appear thin and frail, in some African societies women are fattened to make them attractive in the marriage market, etc. And western gentlemen prefer blondes, or so it is alleged.

MagicDad, I think you are right about your DW not wanting to come home to a hungry family and the prospect of cooking dinner.

It can be very discouraging to find that your system is far less forgiving of the odd dietary blip when you enter peri-menopause, and that your normal healthy exercise is far from enough to prevent the effects of diminished estrogen and other hormonal changes. Your wife may well be feeling very discouraged that she is doing what she always did but gaining weight instead of maintaining it. Weight loss is another ball game entirely when you are hitting the menopause. However, what it has in common with weight loss at any other time of life is that it rarely happens as a result of someone else saying it should be done.

You still haven't answered my questions about your dear wife's autonomy - at work or at home. Does she work weekends? Perhaps she would like to cook then - it might be worth a try just to ask her what she would like to do.

If you are still reading Magicdad have you asked your wife if she is happy- or unhappy- with your relationship?

These boards serve a purpose at times BUT a lot of the time, the answer to the problems posted is communication with the person, not a bunch of strangers!

I wonder if your wife is unhappy in her marriage and you simply haven't thought about that?

have you asked her?

She may feel that as she approaches meno her sexuality is on the wane and she may not feel so sexual. How is her libido?

If her weight is something you feel you cannot broach, I find that rather odd. As a long-married couple, surely it is not that hard to show your concern for her health- and ask her if she is comfort eating?

I think the fact that you have to ask here, rather than talk to each others, shows cracks in your relationship which may be the rot of her unhappiness- not the other issues you mention.

what do you think?

If you are sponsible for the family cooking and shopping then maybe there are changes you can make. Low fat cheese, fewer creamy sauces and soups, more unusual veggie dishes? Fewer biscuits and chocolate in the house - your children don't need these either.

Thanks ameliagrey, but so far as I can tell, things are otherwise fine in our marriage.

Spendit: she's a senior manager at work, plenty of autonomy. Stress too, natch, which could of course be another contributing fatcor.

And Amaretti: thank you, but this is not the problem. As I mentioned above, our family diet is pretty healthy anyway.

(Now I've REALLy gotta go and do all those things that I've been neglecting through being on here. Otherwise my marriage really will be in trouble!!)

I was asked why I don't draw attention to my husband's 'moobs'. It's fairly obvious: he knows he has them, we have discussed many times how he can exercise more/lose weight, he has been told by health professionals the same.

I don't then add to the societal, professional and self-flagellation by pointing them out further.

I also wanted to agree with mathsanxiety that it can be very discouraging to find out how easy it is to gain weight, and how very hard it is to lose it around the pre/menopause. To gain a stone and a half in six months would not be very hard, you mention eating normal foods like having a flapjack or some cheese alongside ordinary portions, not her binge-eating junk food in excessive quantities. The sad thing is that it's easy to put on that weight even if you were a skinny minnie or never really had to watch your weight into your thirties and even fourties. Your wife may literally have been having a couple of extra biscuits and slightly bigger portions to have that weight gain.

I don't disagree with people having loving conversations, or even frank ones about weight. I actually think that's better than a silence and lots of judgement (which I still think is being ladled on here about a middle-aged lady putting on a stone and a half). But, there's nothing to be gained by watching other people eat, judging them if they have a piece of cheese, or expecting them to stay the same weight til they are 90.

"I think the fact that you have to ask here, rather than talk to each others, shows cracks in your relationship which may be the rot of her unhappiness- not the other issues you mention."

Well that covers a huge swathe of Mumsnetters then doesn't it? Or was it just a way on insinuating that this is all the OP's fault really?

Nesbo are you always this touchy?

Yes, it covers a lot of MNetters. That was the point I made. Glad you got it.

And no, it doesn't mean it is the OP's fault. It does mean that a direct discussion might be better than lots of virutal agony aunts trying o 2nd guess what is going on in his wife's head.

Ah - she' a senior manager. If she's under a lot of stress at work perhaps that is what's taking its toll - stress builds up adrenaline and if that' not worked off it can have nasty side effects. Does she do any exercise? I've recently taken up the morning power walk which has made a big difference to my mental wellbeing.

Rather than talk to her about her weight, perhaps talk about work?

Her being the female sole earner must be a lot of pressure on many levels.