Wife getting fat - I am getting upset and worried

[MagicDad]

IN the last six months, my wife has put on loads of weight, and it's really upsetting me because I don't know how to tackle it, or encourage her to tackle it. (I don't mean a couple of pounds, either....)

It's safe to assume she knows this. There are mirrors in the house, and her clothes don't fit. The last time I tried to gently raise the issue, a couple of months ago, she got very upset. I don't want to hurt her, so I've more or less shut up about it, since when she has got fatter. She eats stuff that she never used to touch: biscuits, sweets etc. She eats far more than I do and I'm four inches taller and a bloke.

It's a bit more complicated: her mother died last year, which may well have something to do with it, as might the menopause: she is 50 and the change has started, she is pretty certain. Now, I'm no shrink or female health expert, but may either or both of these things contribute to her over-eating?

Even if that is the case, how do I help her? If she is eating because of grief for her mum, how can I help her through this? If it's a menopausal thing, what can help? Even raising the subject will hurt her feelings and I don't want to do that. I hate the possibility that she may be miserable inside, but if I broach it, it will come round to the most obvious symptom: her weight gain.

I love my wife, and I value our marriage and family massively. I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do.

I would imagine that the only person qualified to give an unbiased opinion of whether an individual is under, over or correct weight AND also healthy is a doctor; not rabid gender Nazis on an internet forum. Do you have a sympathetic GP at your local practice who might assess her health and then advise? There might also be hidden symptoms like increased blood pressure that may need addressing, for her long-term health.

The OP is über tactful. But clearly, for some posters, even noticing that a female partner has gained weight is not PC.

" I know about the propanalol inhibiting the conversion of T4 to T3 but surely the consequence of that is also more symptoms despite the benefit of weight loss? I had poor conversion and low T3 due to beta blockers and felt ghastly."

Sorry to hijack, but what?

Arghgh I have so much to learn!

I just pop my 50mcg levothyroxine every morning, like a good girl, and that's it.

How do you know all this stuff, perfumed?

Ahhhh MN, this takes me right back to the helpful advice given a couple of months ago to someone who had issues with her husband's weight gain.

It went along the lines of "walk behind him chanting hey fatty boom boom", "blubber is repulsive", "it would be like having sex with an oversized walrus/weeble", "tell him that naked he looks unattractive", "tell him his big belly makes his cock look small". Oh, and some insistence from a couple of people that their response would be no different for a woman!

Glad your you survived your flaming OP and hope it works out for you.

Flaming? Pah! That was nowt! Thanks, though.

TBH, most of the posters were pretty sympathetic and the ones that weren't, well, hey ho. Stuff 'em!

My husband does have moobs. I would not dream of mentioning it in a million years. Really. He's not blind or stupid and what would I have to gain by drawing his attention to this. I love him far too much for that.

Magicdad, has your DW had bereavement counselling for the loss of her mother? It could be helpful as she may well be comfort eating.

Also, sorry if I've missed it, but do you have children? Are they at an age where they have left home or become mainly independent? This could also be making her feel a bit miserable in general, especially combined with menopausal symptoms. Some women feel a bit useless when their children don't need them as much. It's worth asking if she want to talk to a counsellor.

Hardgoing, have a look here;

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obesity

Yes, it is only Wikipedia, but there is a lot of support for the assertions within;

'Excessive body weight is associated with various diseases, particularly cardiovascular diseases, diabetes mellitus type 2, obstructive sleep apnea, certain types of cancer, and osteoarthritis.[2] As a result, obesity has been found to reduce life expectancy.[2]'

So, what you may gain from drawing his attention to it, is to reduce his chances of suffering any of the above, improving his health and extending the time you have together. I am failing to see why you wouldn't.

Hardgoing what would I have to gain by drawing his attention to this. I love him far too much for that.

er...what you'd have to gain is a few more years together perhaps, and a better quality & longer life for him??

Is love not doing th best for the people you love?

Magic do you think your wife is depressed?

I have not read all the posts so forgive me, but many people assume the stance of an ostrich when it comes to theri health and weight- a kind word from a loved one is sometimes necessary to make them take action.

'1. keep quiet for the sake of my wife's feelings, for nothing I say can or will affect her weight and how she deals or doesn't deal with it;'

Keep quiet, be nice to your wife and make it plain you love her and value her as a woman and as your partner -- and you will find she will eventually start valuing herself and losing the weight.

Nag her about it and you are guaranteed to have the thing blow up in your face.

Your wife's feelings are more important than what you think of her shape. The loving, tactful "I love you but..." -- yes, see how far that gets you.

Go ahead with the gung ho 'stuff em' and you will end up hurting someone you claim to love.

No, mathanxiety, you misunderstand. "Stuff 'em" was not to those who may have suggested that I keep quiet and spare my wife's feelings - many expressed that opinion kindly and politely. It was to those (few) who said rudely that even having concerns, of any kind, meant that I was a twat.

Fair enough.

But I do think it's too easy to coat self interest with the 'loving concern for health' gambit -- and I think any expression of concern for health is going to be interpreted by your wife as 'he doesn't fancy me any more', and contribute to whatever dynamic is causing the weight gain.

Bear in mind that if your wife is going through menopause, she may well be dealing with a completely different metabolism from the one she is used to, on top of whatever else is going on in her life. Mentioning her weight, if she is also faced with reminders of losing her youth and attractiveness such as grey hair, wrinkles, creaky joints, as well as the sexual side effects of menopause, will backfire badly.

Growing older has a more negative connotation for women than it does for men, and so does weight gain. Men can grow old and grey and look like authority figures, distinguished. Women are still given whatever status they have in this culture from appearance, from attractiveness to the opposite sex -- from having a certain acceptable body shape and youthful appearance. Do not remind her she is on the verge of losing this status by mentioning her weight gain. She is already on the slippery slope towards the invisibility of middle age if she is peri menopausal.

As with all other situations in life, you will never regret being kind.

Whoa - I don't think we know enough about OP's wife to make any judgements about whether he's being fair/ helpful / destructive.

OP - I think it would benefit her to have control over the shopping and cooking. What is your wife like? Does she enjoy cooking/ hate it?

Nah, wouldn't work. I'm a SAHD.

Why wouldn't it work?

What, asking her to cook and shop on top of a busy job? When my job is to look after the home stuff? Not really fair!

mathanxiety
Mentioning her weight, if she is also faced with reminders of losing her youth and attractiveness such as grey hair, wrinkles, creaky joints, as well as the sexual side effects of menopause, will backfire badly.

Math, actually, as a post meno woman, i find your comments above very ageist and offensive!

I am just as attractive as I was a few years ago, have no grey hair thanks to the expertise of my hairdresser, have not put on weight as i work out, and my sex life is better than ever.

Please do not stereotype people.

I also think you are way off beam with your advice to the OP. Why is that weight is such as hugely emotional issue for so many people? If his wife was endangering her health with drugs or alcohol, I assume that it would be okay to talk about the concerns? But as it's food she is using to comfort herself, it's not okay.

What a funny world some of you inhabit.

Ameliagrey - well said! There is some awful stereotyping in here, painting MagicDad's other half as some fragile, delicate feminine wretch who will wither away if the real world creeps into her consciousness. MD came in for some advice on how best to 'tactfully' raise the subject, but raise it he must. I listed earlier the risks of excessive weight - including diabetes, heart problems and increased cancer risks. I'd rather risk upsetting my other half than witness her dying ten or twenty years earlier than she has to.

Thing is tho, weight is a really sensitive issue for women particularly, and it ought not to be handled the same as it is for men...

Some reasons I think this -

We are always told how we are supposed to look and there is a lot out there about our bodies, or a version of what men would like them to look like. What if we don't look like that? That's where our worth lies apparently, in our looks... We may not think that true and of course it is stupid, but theres a whole industry on it.

I think that the division of labour is not fair. I think more women do more work than most men do. One way to silence 'I'm tired' is to eat. Often the only time a person sits down is to eat, therefore eating and resting become linked.

Same for comfort.

I don't know anything about the menopause so can't really comment on that.

Set against all of this I have written on the side of the wife here, I do also think that we all of us sort of owe it to ourselves to try and look attractive, within our own remit of what that means. It shows health in lots of ways.

That said, I don't think everyone is living with health, and also health fluctuates over time and with life changes, and this wife here has has several big life changes recently.

I think he should cuddle her and make sure she is getting emotional support as she grieves, and then a while later yes mention the weight. But god how do you do that without it sounding awful?

It annoys me how men are such visual creatures. Right now I look OK but what would happen in a few years if I didn't? I think this is why the topic is so emotive.

Ameliagrey, why do you colour your hair?

I am sorry, something2say, but however you try to argue to the contrary, women dress to impress other women, at least as much as they dress to impress men.

Most men would shag a barber's shop floor. We don't care how much your dress cost, or your shoes, or your hairdo. All the expensive, time-consuming, hour-applying-make-up-in-the-mirror stuff is to impress other females. All the wailing about the fashion industry, size zero models, 2,000 quid handbags....all by women, for women.

There is a lot of shit that men have put in women's way over the years. This is not one of them, and it gets my goat. Fire away.

Sanjeev I dress nicely, have my hair done, wear make up, etc so that I fancy myself.

What anyone else thinks of me is secondary.

Mathanxiety it's a bit of a hijack question isn't it?
The reason is that I prefer to be blonde rather than mousey. Is that a problem for you ?

As a woman I have to agree with sanjeev to some extent. When I was late teens early twenties, I spent ages on trying to look the part. Mainly because I was insecure. I had to look perfect every time I went out. As I grew older I started to let go a bit and appreciate myself a bit more. I am now 32 with 2 children and I still make an effort when I go out. Wouldnt go out without a shower or a little dab of slap but I am not bothered half as much because I guess I am so much more settled in my life. I am married and I do think it is important to make an effort and I hope I always do, but not to the same extent.
I put on a lot of weight with the girls and have never really felt myself in that respect so am trying to lose it again now. Only because I feel uncomfortable with it.
Men all over the world have different concepts of what is beautiful. In some places fat means health,wealth and beauty and other places sickly thin is beautiful. When I was working in Asia I asked a lady why the girls liked to be so thin and she said that it was so that they looked kind of sick so the the man could take care of them! The women would start giggling if anyone had any boobs or a bum. I thought these women just looked sick, not beautiful. My concept of beauty has been influenced by my own culture and what people around me think is beautiful.
In the eyes of these Asian women I (a size 10 - 12 at the time) was an XXL and fat.
At the same time on visit to West Africa the women were trying to fatten me up!