Wife getting fat - I am getting upset and worried

[MagicDad]

IN the last six months, my wife has put on loads of weight, and it's really upsetting me because I don't know how to tackle it, or encourage her to tackle it. (I don't mean a couple of pounds, either....)

It's safe to assume she knows this. There are mirrors in the house, and her clothes don't fit. The last time I tried to gently raise the issue, a couple of months ago, she got very upset. I don't want to hurt her, so I've more or less shut up about it, since when she has got fatter. She eats stuff that she never used to touch: biscuits, sweets etc. She eats far more than I do and I'm four inches taller and a bloke.

It's a bit more complicated: her mother died last year, which may well have something to do with it, as might the menopause: she is 50 and the change has started, she is pretty certain. Now, I'm no shrink or female health expert, but may either or both of these things contribute to her over-eating?

Even if that is the case, how do I help her? If she is eating because of grief for her mum, how can I help her through this? If it's a menopausal thing, what can help? Even raising the subject will hurt her feelings and I don't want to do that. I hate the possibility that she may be miserable inside, but if I broach it, it will come round to the most obvious symptom: her weight gain.

I love my wife, and I value our marriage and family massively. I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do.

Amelia - I am when I think a poster is being snide or patronising without good reason, but the rest of the time I'm a bundle of chilled out loveliness [insert appropriate smiley face here]

spend, but she's always been in that position and I assume they aer both happy about their roles, as he's looking after the house/kids well. She must be used to stress. I still think it's menopause and craving for comfort food as hormones (and her mood) fell. My aunt put on weight during that time whereas before she was very slim. OP says the wife now eats sweets and bisquits, that's sugar craving all very typical! she has to be careful with possible diabetes.

used to stress at work, I mean, not physical changes related stress.

Why do you asume she is happy in her role - he has hardly mentioned what she has said. She hasn't said she loves her work, she loves him shopping and cooking, he's just said she's too tired to cook, but not that she hates cooking - or likes it.

I'd be interested to hear from him whether she is ever on MN?

because it's been a long marriage and it's hte first time she started stressing and putting on weight, what, just a coincidence that it's her menopause starting? I think it's the obvious reason. I'm also sure she's assertive as she's successful and would raise whatever bothered her in the setup, but this is one delicate subject that she doesn't want to raise (her appearance).
I think men need more educating about menopause, and am surprused that OP haven't looked it up on internet before getting advice on forums. It's also psychological stress as it's an evidence of getting older for a woman, more than enough reasons to do what she's doing.

I pointed this out up thread and I'll say it again- not ALL women by any means gain weight as a result of the menopause. Actually- stats show that weight gain is no more than 5lbs ( 2kgs) for most women. yes, she may be miserable if she can't cope with the end of her fertility, but you are wrong if you think that women suddenly balloon by several stones or whatever once they get to 50 -ish. It's not true and none of that applies to me friends and me aged 50+.

not all, but many do during menopause, sometimes the drop the gained weight later to some extent. Is partly genetic how you react to menopause. In this case too much of a coincidence. All my older relatives had a hard time with it - one put on weight, my mum didn't but she had hot flushes and felt stressed - it just wasn't comfort food she resorted to thankfully, but many do (or the drink).

MagicDad -- do you think your wife would like a session at a spa? Might be nice for her if she is stressed at work. (If).

I think there are stats somewhere showing that 90% of women experience weight gain during menopause. What they end up gaining may be less than they gained at intervals over the course of the menopause -- i.e. a woman could gain a stone, panic, join Weight Watchers, lose 10lbs, ease off on the Weight Watchers, gain another 5 lbs back; over the course of the years from 45 to 55 she might gain and lose quite a lot but might end up with a net weight gain that is possibly 5 to 10 lbs more than she started with, and bear in mind that figure is the average too. It takes the high and the low end of the spectrum to come up with the average. There will be women who gain more, and women who gain less.

One aspect of estrogen loss is that underlying issues that were previously masked by the metabolic boost of estrogen are revealed when the estrogen levels diminish. Insulin resistance that was an invisible problem up to the menopause can rear its head. Insulin resistance can be an issue for men too. It might be a good idea for you to check what you cook and how you cook it, MagicDad, just to be sure you are both enjoying the most healthy diet you can have. If you don't already do it, it might be worth checking out some heart healthy or diabetes oriented cookbooks.

The issue here is that she's overeating, not just put on weight due to chemical changes in her body. Surely OP needs to find the reason behind that first? Her eating habits have changed, that's all. Unless menopause makes people feel really hungry or something.

As giraffequeen stated earlier on, eating disorders are a result of another underlying problem. And as I stated, it often has to do with feeling loss of control and autonomy. A stressful job can add to this for the same reasosn, as you are simply reacting to what has to be done (although OP thinks because she's a senior manager there is autonomy). He does everything at home and it is likely that she has no autonomy there (correct me if I'm wrong OP).

horse, physical changes and ageing can also cause feelings of loss of control. Menopause is uncomfortable in 99% of cases, whatever the symptoms of each woman - and food is comforting, whereas metabolism is slowing down which also helps to put on weight.
math echoes my point that weight gain can be up and down during the process but the stats are taken mostly AFTER it ends so it's a bit one sided.
OP, you could read up on the subject of sugar craving and how to sunstitues the bad foods for healthier ones that are still tasty but balance the mood. Sugary stuff really causes mood swings, it's a vicious circle during this unbalanced time.

arrh - *to substitute

I would think having 2 young kids and being a senior manager working full time, having lost your mother, as a woman, would be plenty to push anyone towards overeating. Whatever SAHDs say in theory, in practice I think dcs mother will still be taking on the burden of the home responsibility, even if she's not doing the housework per se.

I think the menopause is used as an excuse for all sorts of stuff. It's a hormonal change, that's all. She will have had one of those every month for the last 30 years.

Wrt cravings and menopause -- if insulin resistance is present you will get cravings.

Insulin resistance, cravings -- and there is also the possibility that there is adrenaline, cortisol and stress involved too.

There is a difference between developing an eating disorder and gaining weight or losing it.

The menopause is a far cry from monthly menstrual hormone fluctuation.

And if you're overworked, exhausted with 2 kids and a man that wants a perfect body and thinks you're lazy because you haven't, well...

A craving is different from overeating. If she had a craving it would be a novelty- something she would talk about, as you do when you're pregnant.

Horsetowater - if you choose to disbelieve the OP and think that his wife has responsibility for most things at home, doesn't that mean that she does in fact have autonomy there so would rule out "loss of autonomy" as a potential problem?

OK - thanks all. Please don't mistake the brevity for anything other than, well, brevity. Super-busy ATM.

1. Exercise. Unfortunately, DW does none (walks the dog at weekends). She used to, but now says - with some justification TBH - that she has no time. Up at 7, back at 7, and she wants to see the kids more than pound a treadmill (who wouldn't?!) IMO she could schedule 2-3 lunchtimes for a run or gym visit: her colleagues seem to manage it. She joined the gym at work a couple of months ago, but hasn't been yet...
2. Cooking: she's not all that keen on it, really. I mean, she's fine with it, but she doesn't actually like it (and I do!)
3. Would she like a spa visit? Show me a woman who wouldn't... Can't quite see this being a long-term solution to stress without unlimited funds (which, tragically, we do not possess). Nice idea for a treat though.
4. I did check out menopausal symptoms - didn't say that weight gain was all that certain. Besides, DW is technically peri-menopausal (like I know what I'm talking about!)
5. As for sugar cravings, it brings us back to kind of where this thread started: I can't very well say, "Ah darling, wouldn't you prefer this lovely apple to that cake?" without it becoming a dig at her weight gain. Besides, she's not daft, my missus: she knows perfectly well about balanced eating!
6. Finally, I think we should be cautious about the term "eating disorder" - she's not scoffing whole chickens at midnight. It is, as was suggested up thread, another biscuit, a slightly larger portion, a pudding, another glass of wine - all fairly uncharacteristic - that has done this.

Gotta go...

Whoops, didn't mean to be flippant about eating disorders just then: sorry!

I haven't read the whole thread, but this sounds like emotional eating and peri-menopause.

I expect she is still grieving for her mum. Can I also say that it is flaming hard to loose weight at that age. I speak as someone who goes to the gym twice a week, walks about an hour and a half a day most days and watches food intake. I still can't shift a single pound. If you don't see results, it is tempting to take solace in the biscuit tin - and that is without grief to contend with.

Please do not be as blunt with her as you have been on here - she needs your support.

There is a fine line between peri-menopause and menopause. It's all peri-menopause until menopause - technically menopause is just the point when menstruation ceases, and that point is diagnosed 12 months after that happens. Peri-menopause is the months or even years before that during which there is a gradual hormonal shift, and lots of other changes associated with that.

Why is there cake? Does she buy it? Do you buy it or make it?

Visiting a spa doesn't have to be a twice a month thing to have the effect of making her feel fab. Would twice a year be doable?

Does she have any time just for her?
She works from 7 to 7. She probably doesn't have time or the gym, with the shower and dressing and makeup and hair fixing that would be needed afterwards. People are under a lot of pressure these days in the work environment to work and be seen to be working.
She comes home and spends a few hours with the DCs and DH, whom she loves. She spends her weekends with the family I assume? She walks the dog (takes care of the dog chore) instead of exercise at the weekend.
She comes across as a very conscientious, capable, family-oriented mum from your description, MagicDad I just wonder if she could do with some time every week when the only person she has to please is herself (hence in part the idea of the spa), time when she can just be herself as opposed to wife or mother or manager, following a hobby, reading a book, going to the cinema with a friend, browsing through shops a guaranteed afternoon off in other words, with no claims on her time and attention.

Men and women alike can start to feel like gerbils trapped in a little wheel if they don't get a little time to themselves.

5.I can't very well say, "Ah darling, wouldn't you prefer this lovely apple to that cake?" without it becoming a dig at her weight gain.

Magic- you seem to pussy foot around her a lot. Does she rule the roost? Is she easily offended?

I say all of those things you shrink from saying to my DH! I have told him we are not having puddings or cakes except once at a weekend as a "treat" as we are both 55+ and prone to putting on pounds if we just look at a cake.

I don't buy any now (DCs left home) and we try to eat healthily 90% of the time.

I poke DH's little belly daily and remind him "It has to go". He has come home from work tonight and gone out to the gym. He's not doing this for me but for HIM.

Surely this kind of banter is normal in a marriage? i think you are being a bit wet and just need to be straight with her- tell her you are worried about her weight, cancer risks ( a 3rd of breast cancer cases are attributed to weight gain) , heart disease risks and ask what you can do to support her to get fitter.

'The last time I tried to gently raise the issue, a couple of months ago, she got very upset.'

From the OP. Next step is therefore to do it again?

A couple of months ago was closer to the death of her mother so doubly insensitive. I don't think the second time is going to be seen as anything but nagging and failure to register her feelings no matter how it's dressed up as concern for health.

Magic- the langauge people use says a lot.

When you say it would be a dig at her weight that shows how you feel about her weight.

Why choose the word dig?

Why can't you simply be open and honest and do something together, as a couple, to keep both of you as healthy as possible?

I'm bowing out of this now simply because I fail to see how it is SUCH an issue for you.

As another poster who was overweight put it some pages back, better to have her offended than dead from heart failure or cancer.

Why does everyone keep bleating on about the menopause? It happens. Some people put on weight, some people don't. Some people put on weight and it bothers them so they adjust their eating habits. Some people aren't bothered - is she possibly not bothered that she's gone up a dress size or two?

But who knows it's hard to tell from OPs posts so far - I'm still not getting a very clear picture of your wife at all apart from that she works 12 hours, gets home exhausted and has been eating too much. But what does she feel good about or bad about?