Wife getting fat - I am getting upset and worried

[MagicDad]

IN the last six months, my wife has put on loads of weight, and it's really upsetting me because I don't know how to tackle it, or encourage her to tackle it. (I don't mean a couple of pounds, either....)

It's safe to assume she knows this. There are mirrors in the house, and her clothes don't fit. The last time I tried to gently raise the issue, a couple of months ago, she got very upset. I don't want to hurt her, so I've more or less shut up about it, since when she has got fatter. She eats stuff that she never used to touch: biscuits, sweets etc. She eats far more than I do and I'm four inches taller and a bloke.

It's a bit more complicated: her mother died last year, which may well have something to do with it, as might the menopause: she is 50 and the change has started, she is pretty certain. Now, I'm no shrink or female health expert, but may either or both of these things contribute to her over-eating?

Even if that is the case, how do I help her? If she is eating because of grief for her mum, how can I help her through this? If it's a menopausal thing, what can help? Even raising the subject will hurt her feelings and I don't want to do that. I hate the possibility that she may be miserable inside, but if I broach it, it will come round to the most obvious symptom: her weight gain.

I love my wife, and I value our marriage and family massively. I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do.

Fat communicates something which someone cannot communicate in any other way, and may not even be aware that they want to say.

And yes, she knows she's doing it. The thing about 'comfort eating' is that it actually feels incredibly uncomfortable - you're constantly stuffed, probably windy, possibly also constipated. You lose touch with what it feels like to actually be hungry, and not being painfully full can actually be terribly frightening. Overeating is something which people do over and over and over again, day after day after day after day. It's not an accident. It might not be fully, consciously intentional but it is serving a purpose - I do believe that.

I hope you are getting the sense that I know what I'm talking about - because I do.

A direct approach might work - I don't know your wife so I don't know. She might be defensive, but if you are gently persistent and genuinely loving and unthreatening then her defensiveness might be got past. Tiptoeing around may not do anything except perpetuate the communications-freeze which is a big part of the problem here. Tell her you're ready and willing to listen to anything she needs to say & mean it. And do it. Really listen - with your mouth closed.

And can I suggest that you take a long hard look at all your wife's burdens and see which ones you can take from her? Move around the house like your wife would - see what needs doing and do some of it. Set yourself to clean the loo, mop the floor - be regularly and actively useful without prompting or having to ask too much about how things are done - and persist in it.

She's having a shit time. Step up and be there for her in every way you can.

This is one of the books I read (a while ago now) which I found quite enlightening. It's aimed at professionals so is free of all the 'hippy, feel-good' sort of twaddle that some self-help books are full of. If you decide to look into it further it's worth a read. Don't want to shift my own neuroses on to anyone though so feel free to ignore!!

www.amazon.co.uk/Counselling-Eating-Disorders-Practice/dp/0803977255/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1329690776&sr=1-8

I think Flanelle has a lot of good advice too - if the gentle approach is no good - direct may pay off if as she says, 'you are gently persistent and genuinely loving and unthreatening.'

Hope all goes well for you both.

Just out of interest, overweight is far less dangerous for women than it is for men. Not to say it's not dangerous at all - just much less so. But our culture finds female fat intolerable for cosmetic reasons, and so health risks are actually exaggerated, overall.

THanks Hattie11, I think I see, it's just quite a difficult thing to understand. I'm quite a practical sort of person in many ways: if there's a problem, then sort the damn thing out. It's not a worldview that easily lends itself to the subtler ways that a mind might work, though it seems I may have to learn!

To answer other queries, I do all the shopping and cooking anyway. As a family we eat fairly healthily anyway, but we have growing children and an empty fridge is not an option.

And I know she hates being fat. She hates it for herself, and I know she does not like the fact that I don't like her being fat. It's a sort of vicious circle that is damaging to our relationship and causing a lot of unspoken tension. The other day her tummy popped a button on her shirt when she sat down. Of course, I didn't say anything, but she had seen that I had noticed and there was an unstated hurt.

When I started this thread I was angry with her for letting things get so bad; further reflection has made me simply sad for her, and a little ashamed that I attributed it to laziness or greed when there may be a much deeper cause.

don't feel ashamed because you have taken the time to find out you were wrong. And you can now take steps in the right direction.

seriously i would focus on staying close to her and ensuring she knows you love her.

At 50 the menopause may well be as big factor. I am slightly younger (47) but have had an early menopause and this year have gained a stone. I am not eating differently, but my metabolism seems to have slowed down considerably. I have had to change my diet and really cut carbs and alcohol just to maintain my weight let alone lose any. fortunatley I dont really mind my new slightly rounder self and my DP just loves me whatever shape I am.

It is difficult when people age in ddifferent ways. Instead of critisising why not sart doing a really healthy diet together and some nice evening walks as the light improves.

She may need to see a doc if the menopausal symptoms are making her feel bad. I didnt sleep properly for months and I felt like shit. Am now on HRT and feel loads better, am eating less and back working out.

Well, yes she owns her own body, but the op owns his own feelings, and if his feelings of attraction to her are waning with this gorging, he is just as entitled to them. I really don't see that as shallow.

Agree with what elastamum said. I went through an early menopause - mid thirties.

I was trying for another dc at the time too.

This made me feel very bad knowing that my dc would not have any siblings, but also made me feel redundant as a female. I felt too old, too young and deeply unattractive. Spent a good few years, not bothering with appearance as could no longer see any point. Actually got quite depressed. Finally went to see gp who helped me start to sort myself out.

Sorry, this sounds all about me, but what I am getting around to trying to say, is that if my husband had treated me any different than before, mentioned I was getting FAT (such an unhelpful word op - better to avoid) or did anything other than love and care for me despite my changing appearance, I would never have got the help I needed.

Wasn't there a thread recently from a woman getting fed up about her man getting fat, and the response was generally pretty tough on blokes who let themselves go, except one response that said if it was a man writing in about his wife getting lardy he would have been ripped to shreds. Obviously Chipping took that one to heart.

Magicdad - does she have a close female relative or friend that could broach the subject with her? She may feel it easier to unburden herself to another woman, if she cannot talk to you about it. Has she ever had any sporting interests? Is there something you could take up together? Perhaps you could suggest that you would like to get fit, and that you'd like her to join you (gym, badminton, 5-a-side etc ).

Ignore the bitters on here who put you down purely for not having a vagina, and best of luck to you both.

She's comfort eating. I read this post and felt so sad for her... comfort eating is the worst. I've done it, I still do it and like other posters have pointed out, it's a terrible cycle to get into. You feel bad so you "treat yourself" but that makes you feel fat and uncomfortable and so you feel worse. So you eat to meat yourself feel better - and so it goes on.

I think you should give your wife a massive hug. Tell her you love her, that you're there for her and ask what can you do to help.

Then treat her to some things that don't involve food - run a bath for her, take her to the cinema, buy her a voucher for a facial / massage etc. Maybe if she starts to feel a bit better about herself, she can break out of this.

Good luck OP and good on you for posting.

make. Not meat. Sorry, posting in a hurry. I didn't want to read and run!

But also - good to know, comfort eaters go for carbs / fat every time. It's actually quite physically addictive. If you're doing all the cooking, can you cut down on the carbs for her? Just a thought.

What can help is you stopping being a knobend. If you can't do that, she'd be better off without you tbh as I bet you aren't attractive enough in other areas to justify your conditional and judgmental so-called-love towards her. It's up to her if she wants to get help with the comfort eating issue, but there is nothing she can do about the menopause and if you can't deal with the fact that women age, you're welcome to go and join the legions of pathetic, undignified older men who try and pull 20 year olds while your wife has a real life instead.

Indeed I don't love her or value her any less. In fact, it's precisely because I love her, and value our marriage and family so much that this is so distressing. I'm not sure anyone who hasn't seen their other half change physically relatively rapidly can fully understand. Like many middle-aged couples, we've both put on a few pounds over the years, but it's been gradual and slight, and we've both been very careful to keep it that way, both for our own health, and for each other. But I reckon she's put on about 20lbs in six months, maybe more. That's worrying.

I think if you get your head right. That it's her happiness and emotional health you're worried about FIRST and her weight gain second, then it will come across in the right way. If she says, "You're just worried about my weight gain" you can keep saying that no, you are worried about her happiness. And if she's not happy putting on weight then she's not happy, regardless of whether it's her Mum or the menopause.

Menopause does not automatically mean weight gain. I am post meno and weight the same as I did at 22. However, I have to work harder at it- less food and more exercise. Your metabolism does slow down in middle age- men's too!

If your wife is unhappy and comfort eating, then the extar food combined with her slower matabolism will mean the weight goes on more easily and is harder to shift.

I don't think you are being shallow. My Dh recently developed a tiny belly after being a bean pole all hislife- result of being ill and not able to exercise as much- and I am quite upfront about poking it and saying it has to go.

We've gone on an ultra- healthy eating thing, so maybe if you cook, you could try that tack- to benefit you both? or suggest a long weekend at a spa or something for you both?

You need to talk to her- be blunt if you have to be, but tell her it's because you care.

Why do we have to pretend it doesn't matter if our partners get fat?

For most of us it does matter.

The thing is, we do eat healthily at home. She'll often say, "Oh, I'll just have a salad." But then she'll attack the cheese, and have a glass of wine, and a flapjack. And most days she'll have a big lunch at work. And I can't say a thing about it as that could easily make matters worse.

My DH started to get fat which I admit WAS disappointing because he used to have a fantastic body. Until he decided he wanted to change anything I did was pointless. What tipped him over the edge wasn't going up 2 waist sizes in a year, wasn't looking in the mirror and seeing a tubby man everyday, wasn't my comments - stuff you'd think bothered him. It was some photos I took of him walking out of a lake with DS where he looked like a big tummy with arms and legs and a little head on top. I didn't even think they were that bad but he was really shocked and cut out cooked lunch at work, ate better and stopped drinking wine every night. He's shrunk quite rapidly :)

I'm not suggesting you seek to shock your wife with photos, god forbid, I'm just saying its got to come from her. If you love her, support her and don't stress her out then she's got more time and brainspace to come to her own decisions.

I know its stressful though, all I could think was my DH is in his 40's and I don't want this to be the slide into tubbyness and ill health that never gets addressed.

I don't think you are shallow at all, OP. My DH has put shed loads of weight on since we've got together and is now obese. It looks horrible, I don't physically find him attractive (though obviously still love him) and am worried about his long-term health.

I have no answers though. Whenever I see things on forums about overweight spouses, the consensus seems to be to stop being so shallow and to fancy people no matter what.

Unfortunately, I don't feel like that though...

"She'll often say, "Oh, I'll just have a salad." But then she'll attack the cheese, and have a glass of wine, and a flapjack. And most days she'll have a big lunch at work"

Sounds to me as if you are monitoring her food intake very closely. Perhaps you could pay more attention to her emotional state rather than her food intake. To me it is judgemental and controlling rather than caring to be keeping an eating journal for your wife - unless she asks you to.

Sounds to me as if you are monitoring her food intake very closely

I don't think that's true. It sounds more like he's noticed that his wife is saying one thing and then doing another. That's perceptive, not judgemental.

Thyroid problem??

Can be a cause of rapid weight gain.
Does she also complain of feeling the cold, lacking energy, constipated, dry skin?

There is a possibility there could be a physical cause.

'"attack" the cheese' is very telling indeed. "Attack?" Judgemental. Critical. And the rest.

Gone right off you OP.