Wife getting fat - I am getting upset and worried

[MagicDad]

IN the last six months, my wife has put on loads of weight, and it's really upsetting me because I don't know how to tackle it, or encourage her to tackle it. (I don't mean a couple of pounds, either....)

It's safe to assume she knows this. There are mirrors in the house, and her clothes don't fit. The last time I tried to gently raise the issue, a couple of months ago, she got very upset. I don't want to hurt her, so I've more or less shut up about it, since when she has got fatter. She eats stuff that she never used to touch: biscuits, sweets etc. She eats far more than I do and I'm four inches taller and a bloke.

It's a bit more complicated: her mother died last year, which may well have something to do with it, as might the menopause: she is 50 and the change has started, she is pretty certain. Now, I'm no shrink or female health expert, but may either or both of these things contribute to her over-eating?

Even if that is the case, how do I help her? If she is eating because of grief for her mum, how can I help her through this? If it's a menopausal thing, what can help? Even raising the subject will hurt her feelings and I don't want to do that. I hate the possibility that she may be miserable inside, but if I broach it, it will come round to the most obvious symptom: her weight gain.

I love my wife, and I value our marriage and family massively. I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do.

And I can't say a thing about it
Don't you dare. What happens when you tell an alcoholic not to drink? It just goes underground - it doesn't stop.
I went through a phase like this and it's just like giving up drinking or smoking. No amount of anyone else saying you have to do this will help. She has to feel strong enough to tackle the eating - and that will only happen when all other things are in place. If she unhappy and grieving, then now is not the time. First find and deal with the cause, the symptom can come later.

Read somewhere that women turn to food as it's the easiest of addictions to manage. You can still take care of the kids, function in day to day life and still get a high of sorts. It's the responsible addiction you might say...

mamadoc, I doubt she'd be telling OP anything about herself. She can probably sense his hostility all too well.

OK OK, "attack" was poor. Sorry. It's just very frustrating to see it happening and not to be able to either help (if that's what's required) or come to terms with it myself (if that is what is required).

But you're right: "attack" was inept.

Your response, though, has at least shown me what a delicate minefield this is. It has to be handled with such extreme care that I feel kind of paralysed.

Why do you need to handle it?
I don't handle dh's smoking habit of 10 years. It's frustrating but nowt I can do till he asks me to. And before you say it's different - it's not.

Why don't you take up some form of exercise together such as walking.

The time alone together, out in the fresh air, doing something new, may lift her spirits. It would give her opportunity to open up to you and talk about her grief.

And it is exercise too.

And most importantly, it is time alone with her loving DH. Bring a flask of coffee and some healthy food like bananas. Stop and have a little picnic and watch the view and be together. Be there for her. Don't mention her weight or eating, you will just drive her back into her cave of comfort.

After the first few trips up the walking pace, get her heart pumping. Go for longer more adventurous walks. Then buy her a little present as an incentive, it doesn't have to be anything expensive, a new pair of gloves to her hands warm or a scalf. Tell her you really love your new hobby together and spending time with her, it will incentivise her.

My DH tried this approach with me and it worked.

It is a minefield, OP.

I can't think of any practical advice; you don't sound shallow.

We're just getting through the worse part of the year for comfort eating and difficulty getting out though. Can you do something with her- Saturday walk, or swimming? And do ask her if she's ok, very generally, without mentioning weight.

Has she had a healthcheck recently. Undiagnosed thyroiditis can cause massive weight changes as can a few other things which can present like the menopause. I'd start with that. Also if she goes to the GP and says 'I've gained three stone in six months' that's an excellent starting point for getting some counselling.

But I think actually you may find this has a natural conclusion if it's grief related. Some people go through a period of reacting physically to grief instead of emotionally IME. And then it stops. For some at the anniversary of the death - they just feel better. For no apparent reason.

OP other than get her to a doctor there's very little you can do other than keep the food in the house healthy and encourage healthy habits by doing them yourself and listening when she's ready to talk (and she will be eventually - though it may not be to you).

What did her mum die of? Would a support group for bereaved sufferers be a good place for her? She could come on here and we'd listen at least and it's anonymous. She does need an outlet for this.

I would start getting her active, go on walks, swimming etc excercise makes you feel so much better.

Also do the shopping.

It sounds like being thinner and eating is all a big deal in your house. My husband is a bit podgy, as am I (I am about a stone overweight). We both want to lose weight and have done so in the past, but for whatever reason, we haven't been able to keep up the exercising/more restricted eating. But I really really hope we don't get to the stage of tension over it that you are in, my husband's button popped off his jeans the other day, he came and showed me and I commiserated with him, we had a bit of a laugh (and sewed it back on). He's not stupid, he doesn't need unspoken disapproval at every turn. I know when the time is right he'll lose a few pounds, as will I. However, you also have to face the fact that you are older now and no, women don't lose weight as easily at 50 and after the menopause. She might well be a couple of stones overweight for the rest of her life.

If someone was sighing at me, and disapproving if I popped off a button, I'd be eating more biscuits wondering how I could break free. Sorry, but weight just isn't the be all and end all of life.

I also massively disagree that its ok for a partner to start suggesting walks when you are sitting on the sofa, getting you swimming etc. I have personal autonomy, I decide what I do in my leisure time. If someone started 'suggesting' I take a walk, or giving me big portions of salad and sighing if I ate a biscuit, or any other interfering measures, I'd really start to hate my life.

I certainly support my husband in losing weight, by cooking healthily, putting nice food in the fridge, and looking after the children so he can go to the gym. But ultimately it's his body, his life, his choice.

I accept that this is a difficult situation, and your wife is unhappy and it's not at all wrong to feel you want to help her even if that does mean facing up to some awkward stuff about how you feel about her weight.

Having said that, I am a little bit confused when you say 'Your response, though, has at least shown me what a delicate minefield this is. It has to be handled with such extreme care that I feel kind of paralysed.'

What do you mean exactly?

Did you think worrying about her weight wasn't 'delicate' before? Or do you mean you needed a load of women to explain things in woman-talk so you could understand our need for 'extreme care'?

It's just, you do come across as if you're trying very hard to make this about her overreacting to you and you struggling to know what to do. I expect it feels like that to you, because we're all naturally inclined to be a bit self-centred. But, you know, this is really about your wife and her weight, and what she wants to do about it. It's really great you want to support her, don't get me wrong. But I think you will make her feel pretty awful if you use this kind of language, which just reads as passive aggressive.

She's not requiring 'extreme care' - she's requiring a normal, considerate response from her partner. Don't make the mistake of thinking this is a situation where you just can't possibly understand it without translations into woman-talk - you just have to engage brain and think how you'd like to be treated in a parallel situation.

That was interesting, JerichoStarQuilt - and you made me smile with your reference to "translating into woman-talk"... I came here because I figured women would show a good knowledge of this issue and generally I think you all have, so thanks. It's not a thing a man can talk about with his friends of either sex, really. Well, not mine, anyway. Since posting last night I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my own responses and feelings, much of that reflection prompted by the postings here.

i guess the "extreme care" I am referring to is the caution required if broaching the subject of her general wellbeing and/or weight. I simply don't want to hurt her feelings, knowing (and having been told on this thread) that her feelings may well be at the root of her weight-gain. That's all, really.

Turns out she has an appointment with the dr tomorrow anyway, about her menopausal symptoms. Maybe she will mention the weight gain - though, no: I won't suggest she does.

Well, I talk to male friends just like this and so would my DH. I think the issue isn't with you as a man, it's to do with the fact that if you want to learn how to communicate with someone, you have to start by trying it out - it's not some magic skill some of us are born with. So, maybe you are finding it tricky to talk to your wife because you're not a big communicator anyway. Not that there's anything wrong with that - but IMO it's one of the quickest ways to put someone's back up, to assume that if you can't communicate with them, the reason must be that they're 'delicate' or require 'care', instead of that you're not very good at practicing the necessary communication skills.

You did mention in your OP that her feelings might have been the root of her weight gain, so I think you are doing yourself down really, to say you've been 'told' this on this thread. You already knew when you first posted, surely?

What I'm basically saying is, don't kid yourself this is a problem you, as a man, are just under-equipped to cope with - you probably don't mean to, but that is making it all about you, and not really about her and what she wants to do.

Just love her and be nice.

Really you have neither to fix it nor come to terms with it (you yourself state these are your two options). You have to realise that it's not about you and you have to not make it about you.

Plenty to think about. Thanks a lot, all. (Well, most!)

Well OP , you may well be damned if you do and damned if you don't show any concern, notwithstanding some of the nastier responses on here.

One issue that came up with people I used to work with who had gained weight was that they wanted some response from loved ones (and I also know this from my own issues around weight gain), but it was very difficult to say what that response was , on any particular day it could vary. Sometimes we wanted straight talking tough love, sometimes sympathy and encouragement, sometimes to be left alone; not easy for others to interpret and resolve.

Show concern for health reasons? Nagging.
Admit you don't fancy her so much any more?Bastard.
Ignore it as it is not your business what an autonomous human being decides to do? Ignorant and insensitive git

...I have worked through many of these issues with male and female clients in the past and you are right, it is a mine field for anyone to comment upon, and many unintended consequences came about from well meant, genuine concerns voiced as appropriately as was possible in the circumstances.

No easy answers from me I'm afraid, but at least you have tried to get some support here, to your credit.....some of the responses have been shameful, well done for coming back.

i think its the job of BOTH partners to ( all other things being equal) to keep themslves trim and attractive,
not just for each other but for work and LIFE.

The thing is she already knows she is putting on weight. She is probably feeling shit about it but is not able to do anything about it at the moment. If she knows you are watching everything she puts in her mouth she will be feeling worse and therefore eat more. Its horrible and is such a vicious circle.

I think if I were you I would leave it alone completely. No matter how you approach it she will resent it.

See how she gets on at the doctor. Ask about it all and maybe even ask her how she feels about it. But then leave it alone. If she mentions the weight just say something along the lines of "just as well I love you anyway" and leave it at that.

Also - just having a salad will not be helping. It's not filling enough. That's why she then has cheese etc.

Pharoahnuff - sounds great in theory but emotional eating is hard to deal with. Very easy to say eat less etc. We all know the theory. But then something happens be it good or bad and all bets are off.

"She is probably feeling shit about it but is not able to do anything about it at the moment."

Not able?

In what sense?

This thread is a living illustration of our cultural obesity problem.

Man is worried about wife who is overeating, gaining weight rapidly, and unhappy about same.

Is variously told that he is not allowed to even mention this problem, that he is shallow for caring, that his wife should leave him, that she can't do anything to stop a completely preventable problem, that becoming fat is how women age, that it is none of his business how his wife looks or feels.

It's like on booze threads where people desperately try to assert that it is entirely normal to drink a bottle of wine a night - you can see a cultural dysfunction laid out in front of you.

This woman has put on a stone and a half in 6 months and is bursting out of her clothes. Somebody needs to talk to her about what is going on and how she can stop doing this to herself.

She might be in denial as to how much she's eating and how much weight she's gained. Or she might be miserable and ashamed of how she looks.

Either way, she's not happy and it's affecting her marriage because her husband is having to pretend not to notice something they both know is going on.

But the main advice is to leave her to keep going, eating herself into health problems and utter misery as she makes it harder and harder to undo the damage she's already done.

Baffling.

AThing...

I completely agree with you!

My other-half has to prod me to exercise sometimes. I am completely within the normal healthy weight range and generally do 'some' exercise! However, he sees it as important that I am healthy well into our old age together and also important that our lovely DDs see exercise and healthy eating as a normal part of daily life. This is not unreasonable of him - in fact it's definitely 'something to do with him' and I'm delighted that he cares so much .

Good luck MagicDad. I hope some of the constructive comments on here have helped.

Bloody well said AThingInYourLife

What is a marriage for if not sharing, talking and being honest. This man wants to be honest that his wife's weight gain worries him. He is her life partner, no he doesn't own her body but he has a concern over it and is entiteled to share it. It's not the same as being a body fascist and casting up every calorie she eats. A stone and a half over six months is a lot, and if she carries on will only be harder to shift.

Thyroid problems don't make you overeat, they slow your metabolism. His wife has totally changed her eating pattern. Differet thing.

I certaily would tell me dh if he was doing the same. Not so I heaped more guilt or stress on an already stressful situation, but to bring reality in to it. A marriage takes two. He needn't be silenced.

AThing - it isn't baffling, not for MN anyway. Too many people here see this - like any other issue - as a gender issue. If it is a man worried about his wife, he must be a twat. If it is a woman worried about her husband - well, he must be a twat too.

His wife needs his help and support, because that is what a loving spouse does. He will need a bit of tact - we all have an ego - but twenty lbs is a health issue, not middle-age spread.