Wife getting fat - I am getting upset and worried

[MagicDad]

IN the last six months, my wife has put on loads of weight, and it's really upsetting me because I don't know how to tackle it, or encourage her to tackle it. (I don't mean a couple of pounds, either....)

It's safe to assume she knows this. There are mirrors in the house, and her clothes don't fit. The last time I tried to gently raise the issue, a couple of months ago, she got very upset. I don't want to hurt her, so I've more or less shut up about it, since when she has got fatter. She eats stuff that she never used to touch: biscuits, sweets etc. She eats far more than I do and I'm four inches taller and a bloke.

It's a bit more complicated: her mother died last year, which may well have something to do with it, as might the menopause: she is 50 and the change has started, she is pretty certain. Now, I'm no shrink or female health expert, but may either or both of these things contribute to her over-eating?

Even if that is the case, how do I help her? If she is eating because of grief for her mum, how can I help her through this? If it's a menopausal thing, what can help? Even raising the subject will hurt her feelings and I don't want to do that. I hate the possibility that she may be miserable inside, but if I broach it, it will come round to the most obvious symptom: her weight gain.

I love my wife, and I value our marriage and family massively. I wish I could say that I don't care what she looks like, but I do.

Well take it from an obese person who knows. It sounds to me like she can't do anything about it at the moment. Emotional eating is very hard to deal with. I know. It's why I currently have 7 stone to lose. I know my DH doesnt fancy me anymore. However I also know he is part of the reason for the emotional eating. My parents have commented over the years and I finally had to warn them that their well meant comments were just making me eat more.

Now maybe the OP's wife is in a better place than me and will be able to deal with this earlier. God knows I wish I had managed. And believe me it wasn't for lack of trying. Hopefully she will have good chat with the doctor and get some help there.

Maybe the advice to the OP not to say anything is not right but I know full well that my DH saying anything to me would not help.

Maybe the OP should have a general chat with his wife about him noticing that she seems a bit down. But if he mentions her weight she will feel defensive and mire unhappy and eat more and feel like she has to justify everything she puts in her mouth.

I do all the shopping and cooking anyway.

OP, not read the whole thread, but this bit stands out like a sore thumb.

One of the problems associated with eating disorders is the lack of opportunity to make decisions or control - in children it is the key factor. It is very likely that not having control over what your wife eats is getting to her, subconsciously. I would strongly recommend you hand over the cooking and shopping to her.

I think the menopause and Mum's death are slight red herrings, though they may have triggered connecting emotions about eating. But you need to give her control over not only what she eats, but what the family eats.

but horsetowater, if he's always done this (maybe he's a SAHD - I do all the shopping and cooking, my dh doesn't have an eating disorder), why the change now?

Agree with you AThing, but he mustn't make it look like it's bothering him what she looks like (if self esteem is already low, highly likely), but that he's really concerned about her.

Merry - why the change now? Either the menopause or Mum's death has triggered something or it's a kind of gradual build up. I don't know I'm not a psychologist - but it might be worth a try for her to take control of the household food intake for a while.

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MagicDad - sorry if I've missed you mentioning this, but what does your wife do? Does she work, is she a SAHM, what's her daily life like and has it changed recently?

The only reason I say this is that I know that if I am bored and unchallenged I will eat between meals, biscuits etc. When I am busy and doing something challenging it never occurs to me.

Assuming there is no physical cause, it may be a factor, coupled with the metabolic changes around the menopause, and of course the effects of losing her mother.

There may not be one single cause but a train crash of circumstances.

Hmm, a stone and a half in six months is a significant amount, but not as much as I thought you were talking about. She could still be a healthy BMI if she was at the low end of healthy to start with. I'd guess she was, as 20 pounds had made such an enormous difference to her appearance. What size clothes is she 'bursting' out of?

I was right on the border between healthy BMI and overweight when I got pregnant, and 20lbs would have made a massive difference to my appearance and had me bursting out of my clothes.

20lbs is a lot of weight to put on.

OP, I salute your courage and outright chutzpa to post on Mumsnet about feeling that your wife is overweight. This is more or less the equivalent of wandering into the lion pit after showering with BBQ sauce and commenting that you are feeling unusually tender today.

Respect.

thirdfromleft

OP, you ask upthread if she knows she's overeating. I think it's possible she's not fully aware of it, or not aware to the extent that everything she eats is a conscious decision. If you try to understand this it might ease your frustration with her. I have a tendency to undereat when I'm stressed or upset, and I am not really aware that i'm doing it because there's so much other stuff whirling around in my brain. My subconscious is desperate for some kind of control so starts being extra careful with what I eat, iyswim. Your wife is desperate for comfort , acceptance and love, and finding it in food, as a probably temporary way of coping.

So don't judge every little thing she eats as if she's doing it on purpose, just be there for her. Also, don't step on eggshells around the issue, that just distances you from her further. Her button popping should be something you can giggle about together, not a source of unspoken tension and resentment.

Kind of agree with AThing.

And also, yes it's true that a marriage is a partnership that requires love, support and understanding. But what differs it from a close friendship is that its a sexual partnership. That's part of the contract. So if one partner doesn't fancy the other, for whatever reason, that's valid.

I don't think the OP's shallow for feeling the way he feels.

LeonieDelt you may be talking about hyperthyroid with your rapid weight loss. I had that after my ds was born and rapidly lost two stone! Eating loads I should add. But, after removal of thyroid I was aware of weight gain whilst eating healthily and normally . The op's wife is not eating normally, she has changed her eating habits. It does thyoid sufferers no favours to equate unexplained weight gain with this scenario, which is eating for comfort/emotional reasons as opposed to slowed metabolism.

thirdfromleft that was genius

I don't agree at all. My gran is in her 90's, she's old and wrinkly, it's not legitimate for my grandpa to just go off her as she's not the physical peak of perfection. People get fatter, saggier and baggier. It IS shallow to think that physical attraction is going to be what sustains your marriage for 50 years, as well as unrealistic.

My husband is a few stone overweight. I wish he would lose it. But I don't label him fat, lazy or whatever (all words used by the OP). I see his struggle. But I don't try to interfere or solve it for him. He might look more sociall acceptable at a thinner size (which is often what people mean by attractive), luckily he's still attractive to me, just as I am to him, even though I am carrying a few extra pounds.

And, it is shallow, because it's all about external appearance. I like to look nice, but the thought of having to stay thin til I die to keep my partner fancying me is so depressing.

I do agree that it would be nice to chat openly about this though, but clearly that's not possible as it's all very tense around food in their household.

I'm unsure of the point you're making LeonieDelt. Are you underactive? I know about the propanalol inhibiting the conversion of T4 to T3 but surely the consequence of that is also more symptoms despite the benefit of weight loss? I had poor conversion and low T3 due to beta blockers and felt ghastly.

I attributed it to laziness or greed when there may be a much deeper cause, well no shit Sherlock.

OP your wife lost her mother last year. It does sound like you are the practical sort so just be aware tell you that grief takes its own time no matter how much you say you are doing ok.

Then she has the menopause. That is no fun at the best of times, one of the things that upset me was a change in body shape despite being trim. I felt that it didn't matter what I did, I was turning from Jessica Rabbit into wee Jimmy Cranky. I then overate as a comfort. Emotional eating is not logical, she knows she is doing it, she can see she is fatter, for whatever reason she finds it difficult to face and deal with.

A psychological effect of the menopause is the grief for the loss of her old self. She is suddenly presented with obvious signs she is getting older, her fertility has slipped away (big difference between not wanting children and not being able to), her hormones will be all over the place. It's a massive amount to deal with and all women have different experiences of it.

My advice is the take a step back, be there for her and let her know you love her more than ever. She probably senses your judgement so try to be understanding. She will either loose weight when she has her own trigger or remain overweight in which case you need to either accept her as she is, or not.

There is no putting the cat back in the bag once it's out. You have put your foot in it in a major way and there is absolutely nothing you can do to redeem yourself after your ill-conceived remarks about her weight and shape.

Back off and forget about it. Talk with her about her feelings, and be genuine. Talk with her about politics and be interested in her opinions. Talk with her about the Oscars or the neighbours or Downton Abbey. Take her out to dinner and take her out for a walk. Compliment what she does well. In other words, be her friend. Be kind and nice and be interested in her and not focused on how she looks. She is not a problem for you to solve or a project for you to work on.

I haven't read the complete thread but why are people giving the OP a hard time?

To say that we don't care about how our partners look is garbage - and don't pretend otherwise.

We do, but maybe we like to be kind rather than right because that is more important when we want to put the relationship first?

Oh dear OP, tin hat and flack jacket holding up are they?

Yes, do nothing and tip-toe around the subject. She can keep on eating for comfort right up until the time that she makes that well-known leap to the status of Happy Fatty - "i've had it with trying to stay thin, i'm letting nature take its course".

Only her self esteem will get lower and lower and all the resulting issues will start to play their part. Worst case scenario is the whole thing goes downhill at which point you will have become the control freak for trying to make her do things she didn't want to (oh, and for doing the shopping of course - how the hell does that work!).

At this point the solution is actually not far away. The split happens, divorce follows, and if she follows the majority of the divorcing Happy Fatty sect she'll immediately shed a few stone once she thinks about getting her kit off in front of other men.

Seriously, helping her is the right thing to do, do not let it go. Diabetes and other weight related illnesses are no fun. We're a nation of slobs, don't be a household that contains one.

Yogii, for my work, I have encountered literally hundreds of middle-aged and older people in a health-related context. By far the most boring (and I have listened to them for hours) are older men who think they are 'trim' and spend a lot of time patting their stomachs and going on about how they take care of themselves (they are usually proud of having their own hair and teeth too). Their wives do indeed usually wear an expression of barely concealed hatred as their husbands get out their 'how to prevent diabetes' magazine they have back-catalogued and leave out interesting articles for them to read.

The happiest couples I have talked with are the most accepting couples, the ones who love doing activities together, whether it be the cinema/bike-riding, but also the ones who don't have unrealistic expectations of looks or body-shapes over the age of 55/60, but are out there enjoying their middle-age and later years together.

Only the OP knows which direction he and his wife are heading in.

Thanks Yogii: protective gear a little scorched, but otherwise fine! I think this thread has pretty much run its course. In effect, it seems there are two schools of thought:

1. keep quiet for the sake of my wife's feelings, for nothing I say can or will affect her weight and how she deals or doesn't deal with it; or
2. As gently and lovingly as possible try to steer her towards a healthier weight and lifestyle, at the risk of hurting her feelings and making matters worse.

I may return and tell how things turn out.

I will, however, remain astonished at the posters who seem to be of the view that my wife's appearance and/or health is simply not my business. We are a partnership, for heaven's sake! If the same had happened to me, I could hardly complain if my wife tactfully told me that, yes she loved me but, no - my swelling belly and moobs were neither healthy nor attractive and that I should consider eating fewer cakes and going down the gym, lard-boy. Whatever the causes.

Nobody realistically expects all middle-aged people to stay as slim and trim as they were in their 20s or 30s, but there's a difference, I would say, between accepting time's inevitable ravages and giving up completely.

It may well be that my DW has gained weight as a result of emotional and physical changes in her life. Whatever happens, there will be no lack of love from me. And if her being overweight is the only drawback in our otherwise lovely life, then I guess I might have to learn to count my blessings.