Are relationships work?

[menopausemad]

What do you do when your marriage is crap and your partner truly believes that a good relationship is just good without any effort? When he thinks that you should not have to work at having a happy relationship? When he believes you do not need to make any effort to makes things work if you were truly meant to be together? This is after 20 plus years of marriage, an affair and total loss of trust and security. He does not think we should have to work to make things better? We are at an impasse.

He doesnt believe you should have to work at things so probably won't and you think your marriage is crap. I'm sorry but I don't think there is much future for your relationship. Fwiw I think you are right and that work is required at least some of the time in long term relationships but it sounds like he has emotionally checked out so I'm not sure it matters who is right.

I agree with Cas - relationships do take work. Life is work.

I guess I should add what kind of 'work' I want/need. I need to feel loved and lovable, for him to tell me he loves me, compliment me when I try and look nice, notice me, acknowledge what I do for him. If I am honest I need this to be repeated again and again, he calls other people (woman) lovely...but not me. He says I should trust him because he will not leave again, but if I do not feel loved how can I trust? I was stupid enough to fall for all the lies last time. Worse than that I begged him to return but he is not the person I loved so I think I made a mistake. There is no one I would rather love and be loved by, but if he won't put the effort in, and more to the point does not think he should need to, can I make this work?

I dont think marriage dhould take work, but the things on your list I would expect but wouldnt view them as work. I think those things shouldnt feel like work it should be what you do for each other just because you love each other

It sounds like he is treating you like shit and even worse trying to convince you that is how you should be treated. On top of his previous behaviour this must be so damaging to your self esteem.
You could ask him to go to councilling to try and resolve some of these issues but I think if he refuses then you have your answer- he is not willing to put in any effort to repair the damage he has done to your relationship.

what he means is that he shouldn't have to do any work and you should just shut up and put up. could be that he considers kindness, respect, being considerate etc as work whereas most of us would consider it love.

doesn't sound good does it?

He's just marking time, imo - I think he will cheat again. He sounds totally uncommitted to putting things right. After all, he's the one that put a bullet through the marriage by the affair - he should be earning your trust and making real efforts. He can't be arsed. It's going nowhere.

Sometimes you lose sight of each other and need to remember not to take each other for granted and do nice things & say nice things to each other. But that's just taking the time and giving your partner attention. That's what I'd call 'working at it'.

But it shouldn't be hard work normally - and doing those things should be rewarding for yourself as much as your partner. OTOH, after an affair, it is hard work - it can't just spring back together like elastic - it's got a huge fucking rip in it.

Relationships/ marriage isn't just fun and games. Of course you need to work to make relationships work. Relationships involves a lot of time and effort as well as a good sense of responsibility. It is his responsibility to make you feel loved, wanted and needed. The things you've mentioned I wouldn't even call work but it seems as if he is not even putting the effort in making you feel loved. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation OP. Your H seems to be taking you for granted and does not sound as if he appreciates you. If he's had an affair and you've forgiven him and taken him back he ought to be grateful and be treating you with a new level of respect. He doesn't seem to know what a great loving wife he has :(. I am not sure what to advise but you deserve better. Good luck.

I did love him, and I totally believed he loved me. Now I believe he doesn't. He told me that often enough. He thinks it is up to me, I should just believe and trust and love; my choice. He is right to some extent but surely he should want to try and make me feel loved?

I think you should tell him to leave again. He's opting out completely - no responsibility, no remorse.

He thinks I should be over it by now. Life should just continue as always but without the love I mistakenly believed in. He does not see why he should make an effort at all. Scratch that, he makes promises but does not follow through. I should just love him without making any demands/requests. I should believe he loves me even if he can not be bothered to tell me. Even on Valentine's day he did not say he loves me.

I am being an idiot aren't I?

Well you would be an idiot if you believed him... but you don't, so you aren't.

Why should you just believe him? He hasn't exactly given you reason to.

He would say that being here with me and kids is enough.

Then he would say we do not have enough money to run two houses and he does not want to go back to his mum's - we do not really have enough money to run one.

You're not being an idiot, you had hope of regaining the life and love you'd had together.

But you have been (and continue to be) treated appallingly. And you can't rebuild what's been smashed on your own. He's being extremely cold and arrogant - and he isn't in the marriage any more. He left and he never really came back.

Oh great. That must make you feel wonderful.

Look into what you're entitled to. Talk to a family law solicitor.

You don't need to run two houses. He can get a bedsit.

Kodachrome is right. It may be that he's left and not really come back. You can't fix things on your own and will just become every more despaired as you try in vain to do it.

In my view, relationships aren't hard work, if they are working. If there is mutual respect, genuine deep love, empathy, equality, all the stuff that's needed, it doesn't feel like work. It's like being in a job you love doesn't feel like work.

I wonder sometimes if folks who insist you have to work hard to make a relationship work are working hard in their relationships, probably not achieving much as they'd hope, but they kind of have to believe everyone else is in the same boat. Otherwise, they'd have to take a cold hard look at things that perhaps they aren't ready, willing or able to see.

If someone loves you, and knows it is important to say those words...but forgets or can't be bothered...does that tell it's own tale?

I really would like to feel loved, I really would like that love to be from the father of my children, but am I kidding myself?

What amount of effort or work is needed for a happy marriage of what should just be taken as read?

He has gone to bed and seems angry. He is fed up of me saying (crying) I ma unhappy. I think he is happier when I am quiet and easy to live with.

Bugger - have read that back. I am totally fucked.

BTW he would not consider a bedsit. If I break things now he will want the house that suits the kids. A month or two ago he was looking a two bed flats in the town that OW works in, but he can't (we can't) afford it.

Yes, it tells it own tale. I'm so sad for you.

Did he come back mostly because the OW wouldn't have him? Or is he still seeing her?

He can want what he likes, it doesn't mean he'd get it, if it came to settlement.

Meno, I'm so, so sorry to hear this. It's an awful realisation when it hits like a clunk like this. But, sometimes that clunk has to happen before you can shift gears and move forward.

One thing to remember is that it's not YOU that's failed or necessarily changed or let anyone down. He is the one who made all those moves with regard to the relationship. Of course he doesn't want to see you crying and upset. He doesn't want to be reminded that he is the cause of that distress. Well, wail all you like. It's your right.

Have you someone in RL you can get support from? You will probably need to blow off steam form time to time. You'll also need good legal advice. Just take things a step at a time though. If you know in your head and heart it's over (and it sounds like you do,) just take baby steps to establish that. As Koda says, just because he wants something doesn't mean the law will allow that. It sounds like he's used to getting whatever he wants without question, but he's got a surprise coming. You think of YOU and what YOU need to get through it and move forward to something happy. It will come.

Love is a verb and therefore requires actions.

You don't feel loved and he's got no intention of loving you.

So get some good legal advice and part.

Yes, he came back because ow changed her mind. Fuck. I feel screwed. This is why he won't work at it. He will not tell me he loves me because he doesn't. He makes me feel si stupid because I think/ feel he should. I feel as though it is all because I want something daft. Do your partners think saying they love you is work? Probably not.

Well, don't let yourself be the fall-back position OP.

Wanting your partner to love you and show that he loves you isn't daft. It's a minimum standard.

You're worth so much more than this.

What you want isn't daft. You're just not going to get it with him.

You deserve better than him.

Ok. I might have been pissed posting but not too bad

Every time we talk it kind of with him saying, well you wanted me back. This always left me without a leg to stand on ( I guess you would have to be there to hear how that ended our discussions so effectively but it did!).

I had not realised until reading this last night, it was not just that I wanted him back whatever, it was that I did have hope that we could regain the love and trust. I feel so stupid for not seeing this. How can I have missed the blindingly obvious?

I think all hope of loving and trusting here has faded. I think he thinks him bring here is what I wanted and I should have got everything out of my system by now. There is no one I would rather love or be loved by ( I even looked at match last night ). But... Hope is fading fast. Your comments last night have opened my eyes a little more.

i can see how it ends the discussion. he thinks he's got you over a barrel, you've taken him back despite him blatantly having chosen someone else and only coming back because she didn't want him. having accepted that and had him back anyway he feels he 'knows' that he doesn't have to do anything because you are so desperate for him you will put up with whatever to avoid being alone.

time to wake him up. this is not good enough - you can't live like this and you deserve and want so much more. please don't resign yourself to this being your lot.