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Original poster

Are relationships work?

201 replies

menopausemad · 17/02/2012 20:38

What do you do when your marriage is crap and your partner truly believes that a good relationship is just good without any effort? When he thinks that you should not have to work at having a happy relationship? When he believes you do not need to make any effort to makes things work if you were truly meant to be together? This is after 20 plus years of marriage, an affair and total loss of trust and security. He does not think we should have to work to make things better? We are at an impasse.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 18/02/2012 10:57

basically his saying, 'well you wanted me back' is a challenge - put up with it or tell me to go. and he thinks he knows you'll never choose the latter. it's the stalemate and always will be until you say well i've changed my mind, go.

Charbon · 18/02/2012 12:46

I really hope you can find it in yourself to say "Yes I wanted you back and I'm glad that happened, because it's shown me that you really aren't good enough for me and therefore not worth having" - and mean it.

Original poster
menopausemad · 18/02/2012 13:13

Trying to weigh it all up. Perhaps another four years of family life. It is too long isn't it? We are friends I think. Just not partners if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 18/02/2012 13:15

Nothing good or interesting comes for no work! Life is work.

Charbon · 18/02/2012 17:02

Another four years of modelling this relationship to your children and living with someone who doesn't love you and only came back because of his own comfort, is too long in anyone's book. Be brave, you'll never regret it.

swallowedAfly · 18/02/2012 17:20

far too long. do you have daughters? do you have sons? neither need to learn that this is an acceptable way to live and treat others/be treated.

Original poster
menopausemad · 18/02/2012 20:55

I am just not sure. He says he loves me (when I am upset) and sometimes touches me affectionately, but then nothing. What I am not sure of is if it is me making it impossible. I just don't know.

Today he has been affectionate and I have cold shouldered him totally.

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 18/02/2012 21:00

I'm so sorry. If he was sorry and cared, just being there would not be enough. He'd be kissing your feet.

OriginalJamie · 18/02/2012 21:01

I think swallowedafly said it all

Charbon · 18/02/2012 23:15

He says he loves you when you're upset because he thinks he's in danger of losing his housekeeper, his children's nanny and his assets. So he throws you a few crumbs when these things are endangered. He doesn't say this to reassure you, or help you to feel better. This is all about his protection, not yours.

If you don't feel loved, you're not.

When you say you're not sure, I wonder whether what you mean is that you're scared? Scared of going it alone and scared of not being in a couple any longer?

That's understandable, but it's a fear worth facing rather than spending years in a fruitless quest to be loved by someone who won't make you - or your children's lives - happy.

swallowedAfly · 18/02/2012 23:25

honestly, and i'm not trying to be cruel, your choices blatantly are end this relationship or put up and shut up. he's made it quite clear he'll stay if you don't question him or make any demands on him or expect him to work on the relationship at all. so those are your options that he's given you.

swallowedAfly · 18/02/2012 23:25

if she called him tomorrow and said she'd changed her mind what do you think he'd do?

Original poster
menopausemad · 18/02/2012 23:31

I don't think he would go to her. I think he is fundamentally a good man and does not want to cause pain. Now he knows how much pain he would not do it. He might want to but he wouldn't.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 18/02/2012 23:33

you don't think he knew how much pain it would cause the first time? or acknowledge that the only reason he came back was because she didn't want him? i'm sorry but i don't think you're looking square on at this.

izzyizin · 18/02/2012 23:52

You think he might want to go to her but he wouldn't because of your pain?

If you believe that, you've reduced yourself to the status of a charity case wholly dependent on any crumbs of affection he deigns to throw your way.

It seems the price you've paid for taking him back is the loss of your self-respect. Do you truly think he's worth it?

solidgoldbrass · 19/02/2012 02:48

If he was a fundamentally good man, he would either be working with you on repairing the marriage or he would have moved out even though the OW knocked him back. Because a good man would appreciate that if you no longer love your partner, it's not ethical to live with her just so you get your cooking and cleaning done while rubbing her nose in the fact that you're only there on sufferance and can usually get improved domestic service by threatening to leave again.

Lizzabadger · 19/02/2012 06:55

This can't be fixed. Please don't live like this.

mellowdramatic · 19/02/2012 07:24

Maybe there's a third option?

I felt unloved/unappreciated in my marriage. Xh was selfish, I let him treat me like a doormat. When he strayed I kicked him out - that was 2 years ago, and it's been a hard 2 years with my 2 dc's even without financial worries.

My advice to you is to be more selfish yourself. Look after you, work on your appearance, figure, hobbies, friends. Do it for you not for him. Don't work on your marriage any more put all your energies into you and your kids. He might just sit up and take notice. And you might decide he's not what you want but you'll be in a better place to split, with a good support network and higher self esteem.

For the record I've had a handful of dates/a couple of relationships over the last couple of years and it seems to me there are quite a lot of blokes out there who are rubbish at making you feel loved/appreciated. And the ones that are good at it are sometimes not sensible choices. It's a bit of a minefield!

Good luck.

startail · 19/02/2012 08:17

Yes,
Sometimes you have put yourself in the other persons shoes and consider their needs before your own. Sometimes they should do the same in return.

Original poster
menopausemad · 19/02/2012 10:26

He has gone to do sport. He says that yesterday he felt warm towards me (there was nostalgia involved as we were doing something for my mum) and that us why he touched me. I think he is hurt that I shrugged him away. Sometimes don't understand myself. Ge is s good man and he feels very guilty and inadequate. I have made him feel that way. I dont know.

I don't know if I can let him love me. I dont actually feel as though anyone can or should love me. I know I push him away. I have failed again to give up smoking. He hates it but it makes me feel as though that is why he does not love me. I can make that a reason and try not to think it is me. I need Walls around me. This is not a happy house. It is not a safe home. I told him this mrning I wanted him back because I had hope that we could be good together. He said he only says it to stop me going at him. I do go at him. I am horrible.

OP posts:
letthembe · 19/02/2012 11:06

I have read every post - sorry!

I believe all relationships are about working together. Sometimes, fucking hard work (my H was unfaithful) but you need a common goal, time and the ability to converse.

All my RL friends would agree. And how do you recognise the good times if you don't experience the dull times? (I didn't need to experience the rock bottom, shit times of life after an affair ...)

kodachrome · 19/02/2012 11:13

If he feels guilty, it's because he cheated on you, left and broke up the family. He should feel guilty. He is inadequate.

When you've done wrong, you should work to put things right and make amends, not just walk back in and shrug your shoulders, say 'ah, well, I'm back now'.

You're angry and hurt - that's normal. No wonder you're feeling you need to have walls against him - he broke your trust and threw your marriage away - he hurt you comprehensively, the man you loved and believed in. It would be weird to just act as though nothing had happened now he's back and it was all resolved - it isn't - it patently isn't. You can't just snap back like elastic.

Have you done any counselling? I think you might benefit from talking to someone, on your own.

Then maybe think about relationship counselling together.

Original poster
menopausemad · 19/02/2012 11:40

I keep coming back to wanting a loving relationship and wanting that with him, no one else.

We did some counselling early on. It all came back to me being too dependent on him (we only ever did a couple is sessions, sometimes just one with any counsellor). I have asked for us to try it again but he is very unwilling. If we forget the past I think it is me that is making the present so horrible. He says we cannot change past, he can't change the past. He is absolutely right but it leaves me feeling only I need to change now.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 19/02/2012 11:45

he felt 'warm' towards you? and that was an event? and you were supposed to magically be receptive and grateful from a bit of warmth, driven by nostalgia, from a man who has reduced to this state of self contempt?

it's painful to read what you wrote at 10.26 - so sad.

you can't forget the past when you are wounded by it - it needs to heal. it's like breaking someone's leg then telling them to just forget about it and stop going on and everything will be fine. it won't, it takes the right attention and care and time to heal.

kodachrome · 19/02/2012 11:47

You can't forget the past - that is impossible. You need to deal with the anger and pain - just shutting it in a box doesn't work. It leaks out, as you are finding. But that's not on you - he caused this pain and anger. So he needs to accept it and help you - which it doesn't sound like he's been at all willing to do. It's not that he has to put up with recriminations for the end of time, it just means that in the next year or two you will need to go over old ground and come to terms with it. Otherwise it's just a pus that oozes.

What people do when they get back together after an affair, if they want it to work, is rebuild the whole thing from the ground up. They can't just pick up from where they were before. It's like a new relationship.

I really think you doing some counselling yourself, on your own, might help you.

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