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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are relationships work?

201 replies

menopausemad · 17/02/2012 20:38

What do you do when your marriage is crap and your partner truly believes that a good relationship is just good without any effort? When he thinks that you should not have to work at having a happy relationship? When he believes you do not need to make any effort to makes things work if you were truly meant to be together? This is after 20 plus years of marriage, an affair and total loss of trust and security. He does not think we should have to work to make things better? We are at an impasse.

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Original poster
menopausemad · 26/02/2012 09:36

How was a practical how.

I have read about compassion cbt and depression quite widely but will then about what to read again. I don't have anyone other than husband to say all this to as your step one.

Being busy and getting outside are usually my best bet to stop intrusive thoughts. Being outside does not stop them but makes it easier to look at them more objectively. Pretending and fighting thoughts is exhausting. I try and I fail. I end up so tight that I break over something inconsequential.

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OriginalJamie · 26/02/2012 09:47

menopausemad

Do you work in the home?
Any option to work outside the home?

I think this might help a lot

sternface · 26/02/2012 09:55

often there is a reason why we get stuck in a particular state and that is because there is something to be lost in changing, or a fear to be faced in moving on.

I agree and was what I said upthread. There's obviously some pay-off for you in this behaviour OP and is why you won't take responsibility for making changes to your life.

I bet all your threads have a similar script. You start by telling everyone how awful your husband and marriage are and everyone agrees. You then back-pedal and say he's a good man really and that you're useless. Kind people insist you're not (which is of course what you want them to say) and you self-flagellate some more. Fewer people then contradict you and a tiny minority says that actually your own behaviour does need challenging. You then run away for a while and in the meantime someone turns up to say it's all okay, he's just 'being a man' or that all you need to do is give it time. You latch on to that poster because it's what you want to hear. The minority perseveres in getting you to look at your behaviour and why you won't change it. You get angry and hurt and lash out, or leave the thread.

That behaviour in itself would be worth examining along with all the others, but I don't suppose you will - so I'm out of here too.

Original poster
menopausemad · 26/02/2012 10:29

Jamie. Yes I have job that I started a few months ago. It has it's own problems but on the whole is great. I think stopping working from home and starting this was a major step forward in stopping the ads and getting a bit better. Just having a really rough patch now for which there are some good external triggers but think saf is right in implying internal issues are important. I do know the only thing I can change is me and I really really want to change me.

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Original poster
menopausemad · 28/02/2012 08:24

Row here last night prompted by son number two being very rude to me. Asked for support was told it was not the right time ( h had a point it was very late) but I felt let down. I suspect I am being over sensitive but anyway I ended up bringing everything including the kitchen sink into it. Was a shame. Had good day at work and did some other stuff that gave me a sense of achievement. I think I need to find real life friends that will make me less dependent on home, validate some bits and give a reality check in others. Am seen as a caring capable sorted person and have pushed away anyone who chips into facade. Need to make a plan. It is horrible here this morning and I think I Over reacted so feel bad. My poor family.

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swallowedAfly · 28/02/2012 10:11

oh yes your poor family and mean old bad old you for thinking your husband might support you when your son treats you apallingly.

it's all your fault obviously Hmm

LISTEN to yourself!

Original poster
menopausemad · 28/02/2012 16:12

He was right. It was late and keeping argument going would have been a bad idea when everyone needed to sleep. And I did over react. I hope he will talk to son this eve.

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swallowedAfly · 28/02/2012 16:29

bit late then when he's already undermined you and taught your son it is fine for him to be rude to you and he doesn't have to worry about being called on it by his dad.

would have taken two minutes to go say something to your son about how he was out of order and there were going to be consequences and they'd discuss it the next day. 2 minutes to support you. instead he put you in your place and undermined you.

you reacted - so would anyone with such a slap in the face.

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 16:38

I agree with swallowedafly

There woul be no argument to keep going if your dh had supported you, at your request

Perhaps you do need to get some perspective from outside, because there are lots of us who have suffered from depression and have received support from our partners, even when we're behaving in an emotional manner

OriginalJamie · 28/02/2012 16:38

Oh, and did not fuck us over, either

Original poster
menopausemad · 28/02/2012 22:06

He has not spoken to son.

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Original poster
menopausemad · 28/02/2012 22:07

Sorry. I suppose I am using this thread as a kind of journal. But I am reading.

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Original poster
menopausemad · 28/02/2012 22:52

Today has been a very minor hiccup in the scheme of things but it feels big. I have not said how I wept before work this morning and outlined things over the past few days that have reinforced me feeling low. Not just last night but a refusal to let tam down so would rather let me down and other bits. What throws me is that despite all this webhave watched tv together. Chatted about programmes. He has been kind. Done some washing and cleared up after tea having done the veg with me. Hour. Y hour it is so confusing.

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Original poster
menopausemad · 29/02/2012 07:10

Ok I asked him to think about how we could spilt up last night. He had already said he did not want to talk about it when I raised subject of son. He repeated my words in a horrid tone mocking and turned over and went to sleep.

We don't have a spare room. I have asked him to go before and hr has just said he doesn't want to. The usual thing is that he days something nice and I do not have heart to stand firm and it all fades away. It would take a lot of sitting and prob selling house for us to separate. I don't blame him for not taking me seriously we have been here too many times before. And there is still a big part of me that wants him to persuade me he loves me and will try and make out relationship good again.

I think our marriage was anhilitated by his affair and lies and he is not man enough to sort it out. As at the start he has a fundamentally different view of relationships. I used to live with crap because I knew he loved me, we had a solid base. The base went and everything else has become insurmountable.

I am panicking about how to do this. I can't leave my children and have no where I could go with them. Not at all sure they would want to come with me anyway as middle lad hates my rules and knows there would be far fewer constraints with dad. How do I do this now? I am pretty sure he will refuse to move out of bed and house. I would ilke him to start by sleeping in sitting room. He will absolutely not go back to his mum's. In past I have offered to ask my mum if he can go there but that us bit really on.

We have a female friend who has a room. But this is a friend who has snogged with him in past causing me huge upset. I suppose that does not matter now.

Brain hurting. Eyes sore. Off to work shortly. I need to find a way out of this mess. I need a plan.

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OriginalJamie · 29/02/2012 15:51

Hi menopause. I am wondering what

"I used to live with crap" means .....

I am here, on and off. I'm really a bit crap on the practical stuff, but the emotional stuff ...

Original poster
menopausemad · 29/02/2012 19:37

Thanks Jamie. I told a real life friend today. Not how useless I feel (although he probably knows that) but that I had asked husband to leave. He was very practical and I did not cry at all. It was interesting that he thought I was doing the right thing for me and we talked through how we thought boys would react and deal with it.

I am hoping to reinforce my message to husband this evening and at the moment feel calm enough to do so without getting upset. I feel pretty calm all round to be honest. I have found out about benefits (working tax credit and council tax) that I would probably be eligible for if I lived here alone. I do need to work through numbers but I think that husband renting a very small, but perhaps two bed, flat until we sell and sort things out might just be doable. My husband is a money man - it is making me wonder if he knew it might be doable but choose to let me think otherwise.

I have also made one appointment for an estate agent to come round on Friday and will line up some more. It just means I need to do some serious housework! I need to know if I need to press on with the decorating to get a good price or whether just to let it go.

I am worried, worried he will say sorry he loves me etc etc and we will go around this all again. I truly don't know if he could persuade me or not. I plan to refuse to discuss us, merely to discuss how next few months might be managed. He will be away on business tomorrow night so that will make a little space. I wish we had a spare room.

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Original poster
menopausemad · 29/02/2012 19:40

I used to live with crap - as accused earlier really. There is some truth in that I did more than my share of housework and relationship work. Also that his desire for leisure time took precedence over me. Not major crap. Just not nice long term and if the solid foundation of love/respect/trust/affection/appreciation is absent not even nice for short or medium term

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OriginalJamie · 29/02/2012 19:48

You are really moving things forward. Well Done

Original poster
menopausemad · 29/02/2012 19:53

Thank you. I know I need every bit of strength I can find to go through with this. So scared of letting it all happen again. Have not spoken to hin yet and beginning to feel sick.

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swallowedAfly · 29/02/2012 20:54

good luck speaking to him. i'm afraid i'm a bit cautious of saying lots in case tomorrow you're back to denial and it's all your fault stuff. i really hope that's not the case and this is the beginning of seeing things clearly and taking some control over your future.

Original poster
menopausemad · 29/02/2012 21:56

So do I very sad butt have not cried at him

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Original poster
menopausemad · 29/02/2012 22:20

Oh god. He has gone to bed. Am crying now. I wish I could see into future. I have loved him all
Adult life. Feel very very old and alone. Why can't I just live with him and not care?

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Original poster
menopausemad · 01/03/2012 06:01

Managed night without cracking. Not that he wanted me to crack this time. He is away tonight on business do will be easier. Just dreading weekend. I wish this could be quick.

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OriginalJamie · 01/03/2012 08:28

Why can't I live with him and not care??

Because you have enough self-respect left to see or remember what it is like/might be like to be happy, relaxed and live with someone who you can trust and who supports you. It is possible

swallowedAfly · 01/03/2012 09:11

because you do care and the way he is affecting you is dangerous. your thinking about yourself and your future is so low and he pushes further and further down. it's not much further to, 'there's no future for me and they'd be better off without me....'. it's dangerous.

have you ever considered that he isn't just careless but in fact is trying to make life more and more unbearable for you, step by step, whilst corroding any self confidence you have and always refusing to leave himself. maybe he's decided you're the one who needs to leave. then there's the deliberately not backing you up with your sons and them turning against you and seeing you as the the one with rules etc. your sure that isn't deliberate so the kids would chose him?

he may be thinking of the long game here.