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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So he kissed a girl....

448 replies

MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 16:55

I started a thread about discovering my husband sending dirty emails to women and then going on to discover he had signed up to dating sites, singles chat rooms and had a secret facebook account.

All this has been going on during office hours.

So through means I am not proud of I have had the confirmation he has been sleeping with someone for two years. Another girl has told me they met and kissed.

I feel sick.

I feel stupid I didnt see this coming.

and do you know what..? the bastard still denies it.

I dont know how I will get through these coming days?

My poor children, I can barely talk at the minute

Any advice on how to pull myself together would be greatly received

OP posts:
joomtape · 16/02/2012 17:03

you will get through them and you will emerge stronger

Lueji · 16/02/2012 17:05

Hugs.
It must really be a shock, but it seems that you had suspicions for a while.

And your title is "he kissed a girl"?

Tell your friends and family, his family and seek legal advice.

Tell him to leave so that you can have time to think it straight, or leave yourself with the children.

Make sure you keep evidence of his cheating.

mrscumberbatch · 16/02/2012 17:07

How did you get confirmation that this was happening if he denies it all?

Can't tell you how to pull yourself together, best advise I can think of is to think of your children. Go for a good long walk with them and think about what you want to do next.

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 17:08

Thank you,

Well the girl is a woman of 19 years

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 16/02/2012 17:09

So sorry Sad

You will need space and time to think things through - it will take you a while to process your thoughts. Concentrate on looking after yourself and DC - be kind to yourself and only do what you can.

It helps to take control - find out your legal rights by visiting a solicitor so that you are prepared for the worst.

Talk to friends and family in RL to get their support.

LiarsWife · 16/02/2012 17:09

Sorry you are going through this. You deserve better than a lying cheat. You will get through it. x

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/02/2012 17:10

I wouldn't advise you to leave the family home - your H has to go even if it means staying at his friend's etc.

Lueji · 16/02/2012 17:15

I meant, with being with another woman for two years, it seems that his greatest sin was to kiss a girl. :-)

Sorry to point this out, but it's as if in your mind, you are sort of making less of what he has done.

I agree that leaving the family home is not the greatest thing, but if he won't leave it may be more difficult for the OP to sort it out in her head.
Do take legal advice before doing anything else.

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 17:30

No not making less of anything but its just the start of a long list of filth he has been up to.

I wont be leaving the family home, he will.

I just want to cry like a baby but cant in front of the children

OP posts:
SensitivityChip · 16/02/2012 17:33

So sorry, wishing you strength to deal with all this and happiness for you and your dc's future.

SensitivityChip · 16/02/2012 17:34

He will end up miserable and alone, on the other hand.

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 17:43

Thank you, I am touched at your replies

I dont wish anything bad on him I just wish I was aware of his flaws before now.

And now my daughter has put the Adele 21 album on and that is not helping with the tears

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/02/2012 17:43

Do let yourself cry later. Sometimes it's better to ride the emotions than to fight them.
It's natural to grieve the relationship and the loss of the man you thought you were with.

It will help to talk to people in real life, who will actually be able to give you a proper hug.

Have a Brew

mrscumberbatch · 16/02/2012 17:49

Oh god no. Adele would make the happiest woman in Britain weep.

I suggest some S Club 7 Wink

susiedaisy · 16/02/2012 17:51

So sorry to hear you are going through this Sad

Don't leave the family home
Tell those people you trust and are close to what's happening
Start to separate your finances and clear your debts if possible
Book a free half hour session with a family solicitor most offer this service find one you like
Go to CAB see if they can help ( personally I didn't find them any help but some people do)
Phone tax credits helpline and see where you stand as far as financial help is concerned for you and the kids, I also found the charity Turn2Us helpful

Look after yourself, explain to your dc what might happen, speak to their school and explain whats happening so they can keep an eye out for the dc,

Take each day as it comes, you will get through this,

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 17:56

that has made me smile mrscunberbatch, I thank you

Im afraid this Adele album is my daughters favorite at the minute :(

Help!!

OP posts:
MumPotNoodle · 16/02/2012 17:56

great advise susie.

mrstiredandconfused · 16/02/2012 18:08

Oh ML (((((hugs)))) I'm so sorry you're going through this Sad

Fwiw don't pressure yourself into "pulling yourself together" - you are in control now and it sounds like you're being a bit harsh on yourself. You have so many feelings that you need to work through, you can't rush into feeling "fine and normal".

I think in the first instance you need to get him out of the house - you need space to think about what you want and how you want to do it. Secondly get to CAB/ seek legal advice - you need to know where you stand and what you're entitled to. Thirdly, is there anyone in RL who could help out with the dc?

Above all, you are the one in control and you need to do what is right for you/dc. Make sure you are kind to yourself and let yourself grieve - you have been treated dreadfully and you need care, time and kindness to rebuild your strength. When you have you will find it easier to give this bastard all that he deserves.

Keep posting ML, there is always someone here to hand hold and offer support x

fiventhree · 16/02/2012 18:31

Does he still deny all of it? Isnt that two weeks later?

It may be that the only way you can get him to face up to what he has done is to get him out of the house, and tell wider family, and certainly including his. It will be like putting a pin in a ballon, in my opinion.

FWIW, my own h denied all for the first four weeks even of Relate. However, I absolutely refused to back down, and told the Relate guy, who said he couldnt work out what I wanted from the process, that I didnt know myself until he admitted what I knew to be true in my gut.

Do you have a friend to help you in RL?

Do you have anyone to help with the kids?

If not, could you afford even some temporary help with the for a couple of months? Mine ate alot of takeaways at the time.

Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 18:32

My sister has called, heard my distress and is coming to whisk me and the children round hers for tea.

I thank you for the advice on how to move this on in a practical sense.

I have left myself in the venerable position of being a satm for years so will need advice on how to best move forward

I am fairly new to mn and if its ok I may keep posting

OP posts:
Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 18:34

sahm

OP posts:
Original poster
MomentarilyLost · 16/02/2012 18:35

sorry five just quickly, yes he still denies most things

OP posts:
fiventhree · 16/02/2012 18:37

ML, is he still swanning around denying everything?

Do notbeat yourself up for finding out through devious means. Most of us in your situation, or similar, have done the same, because we were driven to it.

It is crappy to feel that we are as devious as them. But in your case, as opposed to his, it is temporary, and for emotional self protection.

fiventhree · 16/02/2012 18:45

Well, he is a fairly extreme example of dissassociation, isnt he?

Hope your sister is really supportive.

LadyMedea · 16/02/2012 20:01

So sorry your having to go through this. If you haven't come across it yet www.survivinginfidelity.com I s a great forum and source f advice. I found it another really useful place to hang out.

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